I have discovered on my journey a massive truth no one I have witnessed yet can ever deny.
What you put in, is what you get out.
I have learned quite painfully when I have given lack of boundaries and opted for pleasing someone else in an attempt to 'create connection' I got out of it failure. For a multitude of reasons.
When I gave only physical, the depth of the relationship was very surface. While I was dismayed at the lack of depth, it hardly was surprising since what I put in was very little.
No one would ever argue that someone who puts in the work, let's say, to learn rope tying for many years, would then be proficient at tying.
Or, if we do not invest trust, vulnerability, care, grace we will not receive it in return.
I wrote a writing a long time ago now about Be The Person You Hope To Get. It was, unknowingly to me, about this very idea. That writing was, quite loosely, attempting to encourage others to grow in the best way possible to be the best of themselves to attract the best to themselves.
This writing galvanizes those thoughts around this truth as mentioned above.
Return On Investment
I would dare say most of us invest in our relationships in varying degrees and in unique ways. I am not here to judge what that looks like or to question the merits of that investment. I only seek to offer encouragement and support for those whom have not gotten the return on their investment in the way they had hoped.
What are you putting in?
Because that is most certainly what you will get out.
"Drago, that's not fair or true! I have invested SO much in the wrong person and got crumbs in return!"
I am sorry for that for you! I resonate! I've been there!
But the honesty is, why did we invest in someone that would not return our investment? Why did we not know, or see they were not going to give back what we hoped?
I get it, no one has a crystal ball. If I could see what stocks would provide me with the most return for my investment I would be richer than I am!!
But, there are analytics. Those who know or see more than I do. Those who are familiar with certain stocks. And, there are the relatively stable stocks that produce a slower yield, but gradually rise nonetheless.
This is about our homework. Our vetting. But also, why we would choose a risky investment where we know we may 'lose it all' but still do so.
Or, why we want the 'quick return' instead of an investment that is for the long term?
It is also about, what we personally bring to our dynamics.
I am guilty of offering little but expecting much. A doubling of my investment immediately because that's what I desire. And there are no two ways about it, I didn't want to work for it. I felt I deserved it just because I showed up. I am unsure if this is a 'domimant' mentality or just a human one? I know for ME I thought, "I am a dominant and because I identify as one I SHOULD have an s type bow before me.
What I was investing was arrogance. Hubris. Maybe even shades of narcissism. What I received in return was not very healthy. Or valuable.
It did not take me long to realize that just because I could handle a flogger did not mean I had enough to hold an s types heart or life responsibly.
Well shit. There were a lot of things I had to unpack before I could even invest something worthwhile to have a solid enough return.
Then there were the s types that I attracted to me. They wanted to invest very little as well. Most bang for their buck. Invest little but ask for a giant return. It is not any wonder I drew such to me. That's exactly what I was attempting to do.
Oh, I reached a point where what I had to invest was substantial and I chose to invest it in some who would only squander it and give nothing back. And, I believed that was right. For a season.
No one I know however, has EVER stayed in a dynamic or relationship that they did not get back what they put in. It just will not work. Either we are together investing into the relationship or we are not going to work out. There is hardly a middle ground.
That can look like a million different things of course. And what one needs in return for their investment may be wholly unique and diverse to them, without judgement.
I may never find it worth my time to invest in a purely physical relationship and not get my emotional needs met as well. But there are plenty of others who are content with such an investment.
What type of return are you looking for in an investment into your person(s)?
Are you investing enough to get such a return?
I can hardly go to my broker and ask them to take my vintage T-shirt collection and turn it into a million dollars. It is just not feasible or practical. No one will return to me an investment of that nature with an increase in value except that they were the correct individual who found value in what I had to offer. Even then, my offer, while important to them, still will not garner a huge sum of return.
So? I get to offer as investment tangible, reliable, healthy, viable, reproducible pieces of myself that will have the highest return. And while that return may be unimportant to others, I only needed one person who found value in what I offered and who offered me that which I sought for as valuable.
I got to work diligently on those pieces of myself that I found important. And, I dropped my ego enough to listen to the types of s types I valued and what they valued and discovered what, if anything, I was willing to learn to offer that my prospective partner would desire. I focused on attaining those pieces. Finding out if they were a part of my character or adding them if I felt they were a necessary component of my investment. I got to nurture those pieces within me. I worked on building them. Polishing them. I cared for them. Crafted them. Grew them. So I could offer the most value. Because, to be honest, I was truly sick of receiving low yield, poor return for what I put in.
It took a while, but I realized I could not expect the return I hoped for without putting in the work to earn it.
What I put in, was what I had gotten out of BDSM dynamics. Which, sadly, was not as much as I had desired.
When I worked on what I had to invest, I discovered that those whom I considered investing into around me normally were actually a poor investment. As we hone our value, and acknowledge our gifts we begin to see those who are all too happy to benefit from us. Of course they find value in us. But they want something for nothing. A hand out. Which truly means they do not value US. They value what we have to offer them. What we can DO for them.
When we see the worth of our investment we become more aware of people who would try to rob us. We recognize in short order that what they are offering is too good to be true. Or a fantasy. Or not realistic. Or not grounded in honesty.
We all can tell a story of a time we invested in someone who, for whatever reason, gave very little in return but asked the world of us. They may have sold us a dream. Making promises and writing checks with their mouth that their ass could not cash.
We hear all the time of more 'seasoned' players in the community counciling the 'newbies' to take it slow and work on themselves. In effect this is what they mean.
What do you have to invest in a dynamic that is unique and valuable that others want?
Not just submission surely?! Plenty others have that.
Not just dominance surely?! Plenty others have that.
What makes YOU valuable?
I am NOT here to answer that for anyone.
That's for you, the reader, to decide.
What kind of value do you want in return for your investment??
Is what you are investing worth what you are asking for in return??
I hope you find your
purpose and clarity today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
11/16/2023
