When I was young I saw the disconnected relationship of my parents and swore I would not ever live that kind of connection.
I also believed that the way to have a viable connection was through emotional transparency & honesty.
In my impatience I believed that looked like sex. So, I 'connected' with 100s of women.
Of course, time would show me......there was never really an emotional connection......just a physical.
As I got older, I became convinced that connection would only come through marriage. So, I was engaged 3 times to different women before I finally was married. In my impatience I decided connection must mean co-dependent giving my all to my spouse.
As I grew in my marriage and was mistreated (abused) I discovered emotional investment & transparency must be a negotiated and agreed upon goal.
The dissolution of a 17 year marriage found me investing fully into BDSM. I could negotiate a consented dynamic for the type of connection I desired!
In my impatience I stepped into repeated dynamics that 'said' they wanted similar to myself.....but their actions straightaway showed me they were only saying what I wanted to hear.
When I finally stopped and looked at why I was so impatient, for the first time in 40 years since I began my journey for a deep connection, it was humbling to recognize I felt that it would be the thing that fulfilled me. Gave me peace. Brought me joy.
My impatience sought for an outward source of appeasement. It never occurred to me that I would not find it that way. It never occurred to me that I was not a stable force capable of having peace that nurtured connectivity. I did not model transparency.
Impatiently, I believed I should just get what I wanted because I asked.
I spent 40 years looking for something I KNEW I needed/wanted. Without so much as a thought to whether I could offer that which I expected from others.
I wanted honesty.......but was not honest with myself firstly and then, of course I could not be with others.
I wanted deep lasting trust. I did not know how to earn it. How to show up as trustworthy consistently.
I needed deep spiritual connection where i felt seen, heard, met by my partner. Yet, I did not know how to see myself. I did not know my own heart and how to listen. I was guilty of being what everyone else wanted me to be. In my impatience I believed that was how I was going to find the connection I so desperately felt would 'save' me.
I needed voraciously passionate sex. I violently wanted to be needed physically because it equated to being loved or emotionally met. In my impatience I mistook others desire for me to mean connection when all it truly meant was they would connect in this way so long as it gave them what they needed. Sadly, my impatience showed me I was doing no different.
40 years.
A LOT of pain. So much of it though, at MY hands. I am NOT shaming myself for what I did not know. And, I am NOT expressing any of this as a pity.
Rather as an encouragement.
Sometimes, many times, the thing we want the most, we are the enemy against receiving.
In our impatience we will take the easy way. The path of least resistance. Not realizing that resistance is what brings us the growth we desire.
For those of you who feel like they are on the verge of giving up. Those who do not believe you can receive that which you feel you need/want/desire.
Hold on.
When I was at my lowest. When I was used, again, for what seemed like the millionth time. Frustrated. Angry. Crying bitter tears of regret for needing what I do. Feeling guilty because I like what I do. Wondering what is so wrong with me that I cannot have what I desire. I gave up.
I resigned myself to not find it. I had run out of ambition to pursue it any longer.
I sat my impatience down.
In the proceeding weeks I discovered the years of my impatience. Because I was able to see. I was no longer willing to ignore an inconvenient truth for a moment of pleasure.
I began to see ways I gave up my power. How I abdicated my needs to please others because it was easier than standing up and expressing what I would not live without. How I feared others reprisal and rejected myself.
So I began facing some challenging pieces within myself. Ones I am still navigating today. The universe forced me to be patient. To sit still and see myself, like it or not. Oh, I was, and still am at times, repulsed by or scared by what I discover.
And while I can tell you without a doubt the connection with Amethyst is EXACTLY what I was searching for. It is also that which I had no idea was so confronting. I ONLY received that connection when I quit being so impatient.
Did you notice the running theme in my impatience???
'I' was the one trying to create the connection. In the image I believed it should be created in. Because it met my standards of 'safe'. None of those connections were ones that forced me to see myself and grow. They kept me asleep. Comfortable in the deception of being fulfilled looks like...... whatever was 'easy' and not facing the truth.
What truth???
That when given the opportunity what we all will choose is what is convenient over what is confronting. The only honesty we find in convenient is how disillusioned we are to what serves us best.
Hold on. What you NEED versus what you believe you need are often two diametrically opposed ideas.
Submissives:
Can you trust that what you need is more than what you see/know/believe/understand? I mean, after all, that is often why you seek a dominant right? To guide you in the best way? Otherwise, if it is just so they lead you in the way you want to be lead, is it really submission?
Dominants:
Can you accept that what you need is more than what you see/know/believe/understand? Can you drop your ego enough to gain some patience thereby growing in your perspective? After all, you are the leader. Where you allow yourself to be lead is what you model for others to follow. If you are going nowhere, because you somehow have all the answers, do not be surprised when no one will truly follow. It is not very believable, because it is not honest.
Hold on. What you are looking for is on the other side of what you perceive you need.
I hope you
find your patience and clarity today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
11/12/2023
