Consistency:
Definition - conformity in the application of something, typically that which is necessary for the sake of logic, accuracy, or fairness.
Something many discuss as a necessary prerequisite to a healthy dynamic.
I believe the devil is in the details here however.
What one may desire/need/want in the form of consistency may not at all be something another person is willing or able to be consistent in for a multitude of reasons.
Example:
You have a fear of abandonment. You desire someone to consistently communicate with you or your fear is activated.
Query: Is it another's responsibility to tip toe around your fear? Or is it your responsibility to navigate your fear?
I am NOT expressing that it is not kind and compassionate for another person to understand you may be afraid, and therefore offer sincere encouragement and reassurance. That is NOT the same as their consistency changing, fixing, solving, managing your fear.
You know how I know?
Because I have expected the same thing from those around me. Believing that if someone would just show up consistently like this my fear would disappear. And, it never will or can. Again, that is NOT saying they do not support you by being consistent. It IS saying that no matter how consistent an individual may be it is still our responsibility to take accountability for our fears, insecurities, doubts, traumas, triggers. That is no one else's to have to navigate. Making it someone else's is cruel. Because you are setting them up for a failure. They will never know how to quiet your heart. They may have the capacity to do so in a short term fashion. But they will not be able to pull that concern out by the root because they cannot see eit, nor are they in control of removing it.
One of the greatest failures I have ever witnessed of myself was thinking that if someone would just love me like this.....I would be all better. I would feel safe. I would be healed. The honesty is......I put a hell of a burden on someone else AND I expected them to do something I had no idea how to even achieve. I mean, others in my life had attempted time and time again and I could not receive their consistency as something that healed me.
Why?
Because I did not navigate or face the truth within me that I was the one that refused to trust that regardless of how someone showed up I was going to be fine. Of course I wanted to be loved honestly. But I would not let them. I barely even knew for myself what that meant. To boot, people are human, they will get it wrong. Rather than accepting that reality I chalked it up to them being inconsistent, because it served my narrative that I could not be loved. That narrative was born from my fear because it was easier for me to blame someone for their consistency, or lack thereof, rather than look and admit I had some work to do personally on allowing someone close enough for them to actually cause me hurt. And trust that even if someone chose to do so I would survive. AND, that did not mean I was wrong to open my heart and trust someone that had earned that trust. It just meant I got to learn I trusted in the wrong sort of individual or I was wildly naive and gullible. All of which still pointed back to me and my opportunity to grow.
Consistency is important. Valuable. Necessary.
So also is our ability to see honestly what they are showing us.
Often, we desire someone to consistently show us their ability to hold us safely, and because we desire it SO much we 'believe' we see them being so. Disregarding the evidence of our consistency to choose those who want us only for what they have to gain with us. Rather than seeing the consistency we actually need is someone who will not allow us to depend on them, rather, they encourage us to find our own safety and protection for our hearts.
THAT, becomes a comfort and security. When an individual will encourage our capacity to love ourselves enough to not be co-dependent on another for whether we feel safe or not. Rather, we feel safe because we know that regardless of what happens within our relationship (at whatever level that is) we will learn, adapt, grow, thrive. We may feel some sort of way if it does not go how we had hoped, but we will not be destroyed.
That is a consistency we actually seek. Or rather, one that is actually healthy for us. The former will ALWAYS lead us to a disappointment. Because NO ONE can hold us and our heart safer than we hold ourselves.
The definition of consistency proves this truth.
- 'That which is necessary for the sake of logic, accuracy, or fairness.'
It is accurate that no one has the capability to make us feel safe. That is something we are responsible for (again, no denying that others can help).
It is logical that humans will fail us. They will not always know how to meet our needs. Regardless, of how much they see us.
It is only fair to own our peace and be accountable for our safety. Yes, others will and can support us on our journey.
Very welcome and quite important!
This is my encouragement to all of us who have had, or do still have stories that others will somehow magically 'solve' our fears, insecurities, worries, traumas, triggers with their consistency. To own our part of what supports our healing and growth. So we get to have the most vibrant and actively healthy relationships possible.
I hope you find your center and peace today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
11/18/2023
