For many of you, this may be an introduction. Hi there. I'm not really active as much on the cage much any more. I'm sure with the busy lives of many on here, you could probably care less. And that's fine, I'm not here to force anyone to read or anything else for that matter.
This is more of just venting? Trying desperately to hold on to my sanity? I'm not too sure what this may evolve or devolve into.
I normally try to be a positive kind of guy. But over the years...and I'm talking 20+ years...damn I'm old. It has been increasingly difficult for me to stay positive. I've been through alot...I'm sure many others have been as well. So I don't pretend to think my situation or what I have been through is somehow worse than anything anyone else has faced in their life. My situation and things I've been through have taken its unique toll on my life, my perspective, my mental health, and my interactions with people as it tends to do with everyone I'm sure.
With that said, I'm not happy about it. I'm not happy with the outlook I have. I'm not happy about my attitude nor my perspective on certain things or people. I look back on how I use to be and what I have turned into. It's almost as if I don't know this person I have become. I use to be a very kind, compassionate, fun loving guy. I miss that guy sometimes...let be honest. More often than not I miss that guy. If you talk to anyone I know personally...I would make a bet that I am described as one of the biggest assholes they have ever met. And they would probably be right. Facts don't care about your feelings...and those are facts. I wasn't always like this though.
It's almost as if in a slow motion movie...replaying in my thoughts...every situation...every conversation...every action/reaction that I am not forced? To watch but it's just so prevalent...I can't help but watch. As if it was a train wreck you just can't look away. And it's constantly showing me...with each and every playthrough....how I turned into what I have become. I'll not mince words and I'm plenty self aware enough to know...I am not a pleasant person. And I know there are many that will read this...and immediately not care. Hey, I can't blame you. I don't blame you. People are dealing with enough of their own issues. And that's not why I'm writing. I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm not even asking for understanding. I'm not asking for anything really. Just a space to write.
I'm not writing with the intention of 1000's of people reading and understanding what I'm even talking about. Criticism is not going to bother me. If you think for a second, anything negative you have to say...I haven't already said to myself...or had that conversation in my head..you probably need to be alittle more self aware of yourself. Positivity? I'm not looking for that either. The upside? "Just change back to the way you use to be". Lol, if it was that simple, one would think I would have already done that a lifetime ago. If, by chance...you have thoughts of reaching out to me...you should probably prepare yourself for some rough conversation and viewpoints you probably aren't comfortable with. If you have plans of changing that in a conversation within 15 minutes..you are going to get your feelings and ego hurt pretty bad. Can it change? Yea probably. But it's not gonna happen soon.
If you made it this far...you probably deserve a medal or something. I may post more often. We will see. Depends on how I feel.
