So i have a story , its my story. Its one of those stories that even if i told you you wouldnt believe me. Only i will ever know it really happend and i must be ok with that.It has been a long and painful road with many mistakes ones that ive repeated over and over again. Now i dont know if it could have gone any other way. Could i have made choices that would have lessoned my pain i suppose so but thats not the story.
There has been times the universe tore me to shredds and i did not know if i was going to be able get myself literaly up off the ground where i had fallen cryjng begging for mercy because the emotianal and mental pain was so great. Yes i know very dramatic but as is life.
My point is im at another one of these cross roads and im aware that i have some choices to make that yes this time ive caught it in time that i may be able to lesson the pain that i know will come if i make again the same choices i always have made in my past. I could stop it right now but then why at this point do i feel so powerless over what im doing. Why does it feel like im a backseat driver in my own body. Why do i feel i have no control. Is any of that true or do i not want to take the responsebility of myself and actions or is what ive always believed a lie...
Its like a train wreck just waiting to happen and i know it, i see it, but i cant stop it or can i? I dont know. I used to think only God could save me from myself but uh ya it never did. What if all along i was the one, i was the one that needed to save me. What if im the one thats always had the power. Just what if.... Is that possible? What im dealing with is a long time issue and its become its own demon. Its just so powerful.i dont know if, well i just dont know.
I know im being vague but im not used to talking to anyone about myself or my problems. 95% of my time is spent alone and when im going thru something no matter how bad it is i deal with it by myself. I mean i havent done a hortible job. Ive survived, im here.
