I am screaming inside. Pain , panic, weariness all fill my heart and soul. I'm at war with thoughts of indecision. Reaching for what I want and need so hard, yet I cant fully reach out enough to grab it. Its a new lesson on this journey. Trying to learn to believe again. Trying to understand that its ok to want and need something, that seems to good to be true. It begs the question of will I ever let myself reach for it. That burning heat and passion inside, that I hide away from the world most of the time. What happens when everything I've ever wanted is laid before my feet , what happens when I turn away from it because I keep my heart so safe guarded scared to let go. I can love myself, and rival in the knowledge of who I am as a person, as a submissive, as a female of pure need to serve and be pleasing. To live and breath it with my very being. To be sensual, and wanton in the taking of it. But what happens at the end of this journey, when I can't?
Its not enough, I need someone to break down the barriers and show me that its ok to trust and believe again. That I can be everything I want, and take it without doubt or fear. I never realized until tonight how truly terrified I am of the idea of being broken and tossed aside again. For that careful world of promises, made by another, to turn out to be lies and false hope designed to draw me in, only to leave me crying and alone, broken and shattered even more. Beautiful in a way that is breath taking, designed to be alluring, to serve, to please, yet so guarded that it seems no one will ever be able to break through the cold steel walls surrounding my heart.
Is anyone out there that is even willing to try, to fight back when I try to push them away. I'm terrified and afraid, yet I burn so hot and bright that its a crime to be this afraid. When did the fear of the pain, become more than the want and need to serve and obey...... My journey will continue, because I revel in learning about myself, but, that thought of finding my soulmate, of being owned and treasured when I'm ready....it is growing dim, and close to being snuffed out......
Music speaks for me when I can't: