I think its important to recognize the difference in the two, and understand the careful balance each needs. Sex can be hot, intense, addictive, mind changing, and overwhelming all at the same time. It can feel really good, or it can be bad. The question is, do you engage in it in the right ways that please you the most? Or do you only seek the temporary satisfaction of a quick lay? Well here comes my next lesson on this epic journey of learning me and the world of BDSM. I haven't allowed another man to touch me in over a year and a half. Long time right? My now recent ex, refused to touch me. Claiming he wanted marriage before the sex. Truth was, he never wanted me at all. I was his house keeper, his cook, and essentially the person he was hiding behind to keep his perfect image of false religion. However, I will say he is the very reason I started on this journey. I wasn't happy, there was much in my life I was lacking, and I wanted to understand why.
Before, for me personally, it was very hard for me to have sex with anyone who was not a permanent, or least intended permanent part of my life. I have always believed that sex as a quick reprieve was wrong. I get that not everyone see's it that way. Believe me I do. However personal preference is my own to indulge in as I see fit. I did however try it once. I was sick to my stomach with guilt and regret the next day. So its definitely not for me. It went against everything I had built my principles around. Do I enjoy sex? Oh yes , very much so. I also in the same sense believe that a woman's body is her temple. Hers to protect against unwanted and temporary invasions. I have wanted love my whole life. Love and sex in a balance is quite a heady experience. Addictive in its purest form. To be loved, and wanted, desired, and craved , not because your the quickest form of release, but because you are their whole world, is an experience like none other. That being said, I am not one to protect myself from my own wondering hands, I can do a very good job of showing my body the release it craves, needs, and deserves. I can rock my own world as they say.
I say this because through my journey I am realizing I no longer want broken empty relationships that don't last. In fact i am quite tired of it. Perhaps my whole life I have attracted the wrong kind of attention. Abusive, narcissistic, manipulative attention. That is frustrating. I am a very beautiful woman, and people love to take advantage of those who don't know how to enforce boundaries. I had to learn the hard way. It is only recently that I have learned to say no, and to push those who seek to use me away. I have a pure light and energy that people want to draw close and consume without reservation, yet I now see, and enjoy the fact of knowing I am worth so much more. I am not eager to leave the peace and happiness I have found in myself. I am in no hurry to jump into the next available Dom's bed. Why? Because this journey is not about anyone but me. Do I mind talking to others, absolutely not. I love meeting and understanding new people. I always have, that however does not mean I will simply let someone try and manipulate me into ending my journey until I am good and ready, and believe myself worthy of starting a new dynamic.
Sex in my mind needs to be balanced perfectly with love. I am not here for the world of BDSM alone, I'm here to find a partner that will keep and treasure me for life. So, that being said, here is my warning to all those seeking me out and filling my inbox with messages. I understand that I am unique, that I am rare in my way of thinking and doing things. I understand you can be intrigued by all I say and write, but know this. I will not end my journey and seek out a Dom til I myself am ready. Even then I will not kneel at your feet or accept your collar, until I get to know you and understand you. I am in no rush to jump into anyone's bed. I want love and acceptance with the intention to be kept and treasured until the day I am no longer a part of this world. I will not sleep with you just because you think it is your right. We could talk for an entire year, before I decide to finally allow you the privilege of owning and fucking me. If I do or if i don't that is my choice and my right. My days of temporary relationships with men who don't truly want me is over. You want me, you need to earn me, just as any real man would expect of his woman. I know what I want, I know what I deserve, and I will accept no less, if you don't have these standards yourself , then maybe you should be on your own journey. Do or don't , that is your choice, but understand that mine has been made.
You can fill my inbox with sweet nothings if you want to, you can try to seduce me with words, but understand I am not a woman easily tempted anymore, and you might be on a very long journey to winning me over. I am who I, and I alone choose to be. Like I said before, If I end up alone then so be it, I will continue to wait for the one who has always owned me. I will wait until forever if I have to, because I deserve no less than a soulmate to match the fire and passion that burns so deeply inside me. When I kneel for them it will be with the knowledge and understanding that they are worthy of me, and me of them. I will serve them with my entire being and nothing less. Don't like the sting of my words, well they weren't made for you to like, they were made to place a boundary and an understanding. Until next time my lovelies, best wishes to you all....
This song is close to my heart for my own reasons, perhaps you can find it on your own playlist too: