One of the hardest lessons to date is this one write here. Being brutally honest with myself is hard. Harder still is accepting it as fact. The cold hard truth. My whole life I have played victim until recently. Never pushed past the pain of the realities of my life, going from one bad situation to the next. The same lessons on repeat, because I refused to accept myself. I am 5'5, 297 lbs, and in a relationship that I want so desperately to escape from. Living with a man who uses me to hide his dirty little secret. I play nice, i give fake smiles, and I face the reality of it for what it is. Why do I stay, I stay because I haven't saved enough money yet, I haven't finished college yet. I stay because for now, unless I wanna burden my family or live in a homeless shelter, and probably have to give up my best friend my fur baby my whole world, I have to.
For a long time, i have lied to myself. I have told myself over and over again I am beautiful and desirable. The God honest truth is, I'm not. I can't take a picture without using a filter, I am overweight and disgusting in my own eyes. I fail at almost everything I start, because I give in to quickly, defeated before I even start. This journey is changing me in ways that leave me crying and on my knees sometimes, and this is probably the most brutal lesson of all. You can't become who you need to be until your ready to face the truth and step into the light of everything you deny, every dark secret you hide and lie about. I don't work, believe me I have tried over and over again. Unfortunately my heart is my biggest problem right now. SVT attacks are pretty common, I can clean the apartment and not even five minutes later my heart rate is in the 170s to 180s. There is no cure, medicine is a temporary crutch, the specialist and cardiologist look at me like I'm some mystery that can't be solved. I go in for my fourth catheter ablation on my heart next month, which fixes the issue for a year, but now they aren't even sure it will this time, its a step to try and fix it, but nothing is ever promised or guaranteed. I have made an absolute mess of my life.
I hate the truth , hate the reality, but now I am trying to fix it step by step. Day by day, and this journey is part of it. Truth is, I'm not ready for a relationship of any sort, because I am still such a broken mess left behind by the current one I find myself in. I can't begin to explain to anyone what its like to look at the one you are suppose to be in a relationship with, and feel nothing. To know they don't even want you, that your not the type of person their into. To know that you are just a filter for them, keeping their secret desires hidden from everyone around them so they can portray this image of a perfect saint to everyone else. It leaves you bitter and broken, especially when all you want to do is run so far away just to escape.
To everyone one on here that I have lied to about my situation, and talked about things with. I am so sorry. I am a woman trying to escape the reality she has created for herself. I am changing, I am trying, and I am laying myself bare right here and right now. I hate it, it makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide, but I can't do this journey unless I do so. I can't start the process of healing and moving on with my life until I admit the truth to myself first. Today is that day, this blog is my way. I am broken, shattered, and yet I am still standing, because despite everything, one thing that has always been true about me, is I am unwaveringly kind to those around me, no matter how many times I am beat down, and left on the ground, I keep getting back up, I keep going, and I keep trying to help those around me, because I know exactly how it feels to be in pain, to feel like no one sees the real you or wants the real you. This blog is hard, harder than anything I've ever shared, because its the ugly truth.
Its true I do have a dark side, i do crave things, that could put me in harms way with the wrong person, but that is me, I have always been this way, have always wanted to serve and to please. However, it is now that I understand how wrong I am for even wanting to try at this point in my life. Life was never meant to be easy, but it was never meant to be as hard as I have made it. Sometimes we have to face ourselves before we can face the world. I think its time I started doing that. To all my readers, you have my deepest apologies for not showing you the realities of who I am. My posts have been one hundred percent honest about my thoughts and opinions, but never about who I really am in looks, and my current situation. It was wrong on my part, and I admit that freely. I will continue on this journey, and I will continue to grow and learn, I just hope you all will forgive me in time, as I do.