Last night was a hard wake up call for me. I found a cigarette pall mall red 100s to be exact on my porch railing. What most don't know is the fact that I am in hiding from my abusive ex husband. He smokes that exact brand of cigarettes. Now clearly I thought I had gotten over my fear of him and his mind games, but last night I found myself cowering on the ground in my hallway tears streaming down my face and my service dog doing everything she could to calm and reassure me.
When I realized I had no one I could turn to , to call and come search and check around my house it made the situation even worse. For an hour I hid and cried and shook with absolute fear and terror. Every noise making me jump, to terrified to even try to get to my truck. I never ever thought I would have to face these fears again. I thought I was safe. I called my mom sobbing she was over Two hours away with my dad at her job. Neither able to get to me.
They called my landlord and he walked around the house and made sure no one was lurking or hiding in the shadows and even came inside to check all my rooms. He eventually called someone and found out the cigarette had been left by them by accident. I was of course relieved to hear that. I could breathe easier and my landlord went back home and went to bed.
However, the fear was still there. The what if. After checking all my doors and windows I proceeded to barricade myself, Arcadia, and killua in my bedroom with a small kitchen knife held tight under my pillow. For the rest of the night I jerked awake at even the slightest sound.
Now, there is something to be said about a woman left to her own defense. I noticed that the more I jerked awake heart pounding the madder I fucking got. Until by morning time I was enraged at the fact that I was still so terrified. I shouldn't have to feel afraid in my own home, I shouldn't have to fear someone who I ran away from and hid from. So what did I do?
Well this bad little girl went and bought a ranger knife, a taser, and pepper spray. As well as a gym membership and another round of self defense classes. One because I want a chance at survival if the bastard ever does find me. Two I'm sick and tired of still being afraid, and three I need to be in shape if I wanna have a chance at escape.
Seems like I have my work cut out for me. But at least I won't be lying dead somewhere , because I couldn't save myself. Fuck relying on others while I cower in fear. I'm gonna be my own savior and white knight.
To anyone else out there going through something similar, don't wait until it's too late, make your moves now, and fight for yourself. You can be just as hard-core as anybody out there.
