lambsone's thoughts

Well STDs are not something we typically talk about here or reveal in our profiles it seems. But since I now have one due to my last Dominant unbeknownst to me, and since I have a big mouth I need to share what's happening in my new journey with it.

When I first started having symptoms after meeting physically with my last Dominant, I was still in a state of flux and limbo not knowing what was going on. I was starting to get a very strong itch in my nether regions that wouldn't go away.

Out of irritation, I managed to get a picture of it and discovered two small bumps and immediately got suspicious but hoped it was nothing to worry about. However I sent it off via my chart to my primary doctor and asked if it was an STD of some sort.

Her response was that I needed to come in right away and get examined. I was still in Phoenix on my trip out west for my niece's wedding but was able to set up an appointment for the day after I got back.

I had her test me for all std's. So she did what she could and then said I needed to get the rest done by a gynolcologist. I was able to get that appointment a week later where the rest were done.

When the results came back all were negative except for Herpes 1. My last Dom and I had only done oral on each other and also kissed. He never penetrated me except for one finger very quickly. However the infection was immediate.

As many of you know because it's previously noted in my blog, he left secretly after we fell asleep and never talked to me again. The weekend that I thought we would have turned out to be only a few hours. And I was stuck paying the whole bill with a lifetime diagnosis of Herpes 1 on top of it.

Initially I was numb. I didn't know how to live with this change in my body. A whole lot of options for potential relationships ended. Men I considered having relationships  with were no longer available. Visions for the future life I could have had in any lifestyle, even vanilla, came to a screeching halt. 

Not only that, but I realized that kissing friends or relatives even on the cheek could possibly have serious implications. Especially with babies if any wetness from my mouth lingered on their person. I realized that I now had a barrier between me and others that wasn't there before. 

I began to wonder how careful I would have to be when I sat down on common surfaces, to be careful of where my hands had been prior to touching anything others might use, would my clothes carry any "germs" of Herpes that I might leave somewhere. I didn't know what to think and my mind was having a field day with what I didn't know.

I soon realized that I needed to find the real facts. Someone here kindly mentioned to me that there were support groups for Herpes and also dating groups for folks with Herpes. So in addition to finding out facts about the virus, I did locate some of the dating groups.

I put up a profile in one of the groups where every STD is represented and began to look around and get the lay of the land. I felt better being in a group where no one was afraid to talk about their std statuses nor hid them from others. In fact each one says in their profiles which ones they have so that you can find someone who has what you have and not risk infecting someone else.

That has given me hope back and taken a lot of pressure off. Just last night I looked at the chatrooms and found that BDSM and D/s are also represented. I put in my own profile that I wanted a little kink in my relationships. I thought that I would at least put a small feeler out there and see what happened.

Christians are also represented, and so my former life without an STD is now again open to me with an STD. I still mourn a body without a virus, but I no longer feel trapped with no options. I no longer feel that no one will want me because I am damaged.

So the future has yet to be written, and it looks brighter than it did. I am still learning about it though and realize there is more to discover until I'm truly knowledgeable about what I'm dealing with. But now I can confidently move forward without fear or disappointment dogging me.

If you have an STD, be up front about it. Do not selfishly hide it and give it to someone else without their knowledge and permission. That is completely opposite of the SSC or RISK practice that we all say is essential in our lifestyle.

Again I offer any subs here, the profile link privately, to the Dominant who gave me Herpes so that you can avoid him if he contacts you. 

For those of you who like scones, here's an interesting one for you.

Gingerbread Scones Recipe

Ingredients:

- 2 cups unbleached white flour (8oz/240g) 🌾
- 1 tbsp baking powder 🧁
- 1/4 tsp ground ginger 🌱
- 1/4 tsp ground cinnamon 🍂
- 1/8 tsp ground cloves 🌰
- 1/2 tsp sea salt 🧂
- 2 tbsp granulated sugar (or coconut, date, etc.) 🍬
- 1 tsp granulated sugar, for sprinkling on top 🌟
- 1/2 cup cold butter in cubes (or vegan butter, 4oz/115g) 🧈
- 1/4 cup molasses (3oz/85g) 🍯
- 1/2 cup milk (cow, coconut, almond, etc.) 🥛
- 1 tsp milk, for top 🥄
- 1 cup powdered sugar 🍚
- 2 tbsp melted butter (or vegan butter) 🧈
- 1 tbsp maple syrup 🍁
- ½ tsp pure vanilla extract 🍦

Instructions:

1. Preheat oven to 425°F 🔥.

2. In a large bowl, mix together the dry ingredients: flour, cinnamon, ginger, cloves, baking powder, salt, and 2 tbsp of sugar 🥄.

3. Using a pastry cutter or fork, cut the butter into the flour mixture until the butter pieces are about the size of peas 🧈.

4. Pour in 1/2 cup milk and 1/4 cup molasses, stirring everything together until well combined 🥄.

5. Bring the dough together with your hands, then flatten it onto a baking tray, either lined with parchment or lightly greased 🍪. Pat it into a circle about 3/4" thick.

6. Brush the dough circle with 1 tsp of milk and sprinkle with 1 tsp of sugar to create a crunchy topping 🌟.

7. Cut the dough into 8 wedges 🍰.

8. Bake at 425°F for 17-20 minutes, until golden brown and risen 🌟.

9. To make the icing, whisk together powdered sugar, melted butter, maple syrup, and vanilla until smooth 🥄.

10. Spread the icing over the scones using a spoon or knife 🍴. The icing sets quickly, so work fast!

11. Enjoy these gingerbread scones with a hot drink! ☕

The last few years I've been wanting to celebrate my celtic heritage from my dad's side of the family. So this year in addition to attending various heritage functions here, I gave myself this portrait called The Celtic Princess from Turn Me Royal. The castle in the background reminds me of the Campbell Castle in Argyl Scotland with it's many spires. This portrait is 12 x 16 as I don't have a fireplace to hang a bigger portrait over. It's on stretched canvas. It's fun to have it.

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1AcpSJccB1/

Wow I actually made a soup dish that tasted more than decent for a change. Macaroni, beef, ham, asparagus, carrots, sea salt, red pepper spice, garlic and herbs seasoning, onion salt, and parsley flakes.

So in the forums we've lately been discussing similarities and differences between men and women about what they want from the other. 

It might help to study the actual science based characteristics of each to understand how each is wired.

Are our similarities or differences influenced by societal beliefs or biological evidence? It turns out that many studies have attempted to answer this which may give insight to what we want from the other and why.

One such study has some interesting explanations/observations. Of the ones I've read it incorporates ideas from the others but also deals with actual brain structure and how men and women tend to use that structure in general in their everyday lives. Their are exceptions to the rule of course but this is what generally goes on. 

Check it out:

https://stanmed.stanford.edu/how-mens-and-womens-brains-are-different/

For the more scientifically minded the US government, specifically The National Library of Medicine, has some fascinating information regarding this topic as well:

https://search.app?link=https%3A%2F%2Fpmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov%2Farticles%2FPMC3030621%2F%23%3A~%3Atext%3DMen%2520and%2520women%2520are%2520different%2Cthat%2520are%2520rooted%2520in%2520biology.&utm_campaign=aga&utm_source=agsadl2%2Csh%2Fx%2Fgs%2Fm2%2F4

I was encouraged to write my story and share what happened so that other femsubs wouldn't be taken in by my last Dom. He is still at the cage and I'll share the link to his profile in pm if anyone wants to know who he is.

He contacted me about a month and a half ago and we began to talk via pm here, eventually moving to texts and phone calls.

I thoroughly enjoyed talking to him and learning about his life. He is a Born Again Christian, which is what I was looking for and an experienced Dom. 

All seemed normal to me as we talked. But one red flag I saw was that he wanted me to accept a collar of consideration after only a day of talking to him. After asking him what he considered that to be, I said no and that it was too early to do that. He was okay with that.

So little by little I got attached to him. And eventually accepted him as my Dom. Things seemed to be going well but I did notice that once he had the "prize" he began talking to me less and less. It's happened to me before but I kept it in the back of my mind.

Finally we decided to meet halfway between us at a hotel. He asked me to pick the motel and book the weekend that he selected. He said he would compensate me for all my expenses for the trip. And he told me what he wanted me to wear.

The location was 400 miles away, but still only a days drive. I got there and brought all the stuff in which you can see photos of earlier in my blog. And I got ready for him.

He showed up about 9 pm and we began to play. Just oral for both of us and the only penetration was one of his fingers. Afterwards we slept in each other's arms.

Sometime during the night he left. When I woke up at 5 am to turn over and hold him, the bed was empty. He mentioned the night before that he had to get some coffee in the morning and asked if I wanted something as well. We had enough food so I said no.

Around 9 am I texted him and told him that his key card was still on the bathroom sink and he'd have to knock to get in. I also told him that I had breakfast for us. There was no response.

At 10 am I texted him again and said I was getting hungry and could I eat and would like him to eat with me. No response.

So having some extra time, I got all dolled up as much as I was able to and waited. At 2:30 pm without any response from him, I got angry. I changed clothes, lugged everything up and down two flights of stairs multiple times to the car, turned in my key card and gassed up the car.

At 3:30 pm I texted him to tell him I was on the road back home and that it didn't make sense to stay if he wasn't there. No response.

The next day I texted him and asked why he left.  No response. A few days later after giving him time to think about the situation and continued silence I texted him and really reemed him, blistering his ears. I tried calling him first but it went to voicemail.

This man was talking marriage to me and I was submitting to him and doing tasks for him. I must have spent at least $350 during the course of our relationship finding clothes he preferred me to wear, preparing food and the time it took to accomplish everything he wanted done, plus the cost of the trip. He never compensated me for anything. Basically I did all the work and he had all the fun, responsibility free.

And on top of this he gave me Herpes 1. Either he didn't know he had it or knew he had it and didn't disclose it to me which is a direct violation of our Safe, Sane, and Consensual BDSM code.

So, now that I'm altered forever, I have no idea if a good man would even take a chance on me. I've been with other men at least 25 years ago but never got a disease from them. I guess it was my time to join the ranks of Herpes victims, which are many.

All I can say is subs be very careful in your enthusiasm to submit, that you know the person very well. Don't be quick to latch on to someone too soon just because you have a longing to submit to a Dom. If the guy protests that you are taking too long to trust him, kick him to the curb. It's not worth playing Russian Roulet with your body and your future. 

Also this applies to any BDSM situation as well. Mine just happens to be Maledom/femsub.

_______________________

UPDATE:

After researching this evening (11/16) I have discovered that it is a criminal offense to give someone an STD/STI in the USA. States vary on exceptions, and each case can vary. But I'll be talking to a Sexual Abuse lawyer and get advised about my situation.