My Castle Vault

1: When did you lose your virginity?

Age 17, with someone i worked with.  (terribly boring sex, as most penetrative sex has been for 25 ish years)

2: Rough sex or soft sex?

Depends on the person i am having sex with.

3: Do you have any unusual kinks/fetishes?

It's really hard to say what is unusual these days, but i would say yeah.. i think i might have one that qualifies lol.

4: Weirdest place you’ve had sex?

Woods doesn't seem weird to me, neither does in a van/car.  Swimming pool?  Oh wait, roof of the house?

5: Favorite sex position?

i haven't tried them all, so how can i choose a favourite?

"Fuck me like a bitch in heat."  << my younger self's opinion

6: Do you like to be dominant or submissive?

A significant chunk of the time i am subby, but i have my Dommy moments.

7: Have you ever had any one night stands?

No, i have had "sex-ish" but not a one night stand.

8: Sex on the bed, couch or the floor?

Prefer the sofa or sex furniture, but beds work too.  i have a strong preference for not having sex where i sleep though.

9: Have you ever had sex in a public place?

Yes.

10: Have you ever been caught masturbating?

Yup.

11: What does your favourite underwear look like?

On me, or on someone else?

12: How often do you have sex?

That depends on your definition of sex.

13: Is there anybody right now you’d like to have sex with?

Yup.

14: Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex?

Giving

15: Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you during sex?

Well, yeah, i am sure there are at least a dozen stories that could go here, but i can't really remember them since they are mortifying lol.

16: A song you’d listen to during hard/rough/kinky sex?

Head like a Hole by NIN, Pretty When You Cry by Vast, Coming Up For Air Leather Strip

(These are remnants of when i was in my late 20s)

17: A song you’d listen to during soft/slow sex?

i don't think i have an answer for this

18: Are you into dressing up for sex?

Costuming and lingerie is very fun, i like being dressed up

19: Would you prefer sex in the bath or sex in the shower?

Yes.  A fan of both.

20: If you could have sex with any celebrity right now, who would it be?

Hmn.  i don't actually have an answer here.

21: Have you ever had a threesome?

Yes.

22: Do you/would you use sex toys?

Yes, much lots.  Lovense are fun.  Magic Wands are too.

23: Have you ever sent someone a dirty text/picture?

Lol... often.

24: Would you have sex with your best friend?

Lol.

25: Is there anything you do after sex?

Help clean up the mess if i am able to think/move/process reality.

26: Something that will never fail to get you horny?

Submitting

27: Early morning sex or late night sex?

Yes.

28: Favorite body part on the opposite sex?

Okay, i am a sucker for pretty eyes across the board.  But favourite on a man.... hmn.  Nah, that is too personal to the man i am with lol.  Not something across the board.

29: Favorite body part on the same sex?

Okay, i am a sucker for pretty eyes across the board.  Chest and ass, with chest winning out just by a smidge.

30: Do you watch porn?

Yes, technically.  i watch spanking videos, as soon as any actual sexual acts start i shut it off/skip to the next spanking scene or next video.

i can't sleep tonight

my Heartbeat is just too far away

i can't sleep tonight

 there's always so much i wanna say

i am crappy at initiation; that being said, here are some simple rules of what to, and not to, do.

Do not say anything in a first contact meeting that you would not say to an absolute stranger, when you have just knocked on the door to their private residence.

That is exactly what you are doing in our inboxes!  You have knocked on our door, in our home (more of an apartment complex or gated community), to say hello to us.

Read the profile, look at the collar brackets, look at the role and gender preference. Do not use any forms of endearment like sub, baby, slave, etc.  Especially no degrading ones until you know you have that consent. 

(i do not, nor will i ever consent to being degraded.  i have an intense limit for that, yet have been called things in my inbox by people i don't know far more than i would like to admit.)

When hunting cougars ... i would not suggest in any way of referring to yourself as youngin... 

"Age is just a number" is NOT the correct response to "i'm sorry, i don't [date, dynamic, hookup etc] in your age bracket"

Just please take the rejection.  You are not going to change our mind, you are waving a red flag.  We will remember that.

Here is something of a basic example of a mid to good first contact, it's generic but at this point generic is better than the desperate vile trash we generally get.

Heya [screen name], how are you today! I saw you [insert where you found the profile/screen name] and you (or your profile) caught my eye because of [insert reason you reached out] 

My screen name is this, and I am [insert cool NOT sex related thing about you here].  I would like the chance to get to know you further, in the hopes that this could lead to a [insert your actual, honest intent here, we can smell your bullshit most of the time]

Would you be interested in continuing this conversation?

 

I am a masochist.

I will regret today’s decisions tomorrow.

Yesterday’s choices still sit heavily.

Sometimes tearing something apart is the only way to clean it up.

My office looks like someone tossed it for some secret object.

Maybe it was?

Was I looking for something in the mess of it?

Something, someone.

The clouds are gray and crying.

Weepy.

The Universe is so vast, where do I fit?

Why do I fit?

There’s a thread missing.

Feels weird.

I hope you are doing okay.

Ooh, hope, it’s still there.

Of course it is silly.

Focus…..

No.

This is a glimpse into how my mind processes.  The thoughts are rapid fire, and not always related to each other or even what I am trying to express.  Riddles and cryptic fragments that I have to translate, give relevance and meaning to.  Writing is usually easier, but sometimes I so very much need to have my voice and body language do the expression for me.  

Full moon has had it's way with me.  

i have not felt this vivid and colourful in a very long time.

i have not felt this strong, beautiful and confident in a very long time.

i have not felt this comfortable in my own submissive nature; in the vulnerability, and raw emotional .... need of it.

Needs.

i am not ashamed of needing.

That is a huge deal.

Today, i feel like i can strut around naked and not give a damn about what anyone thinks.

Because i know where those who's thoughts matter stand.

Needs.

Intensity.

Skin.

Hands.

Words.

Raw, unfiltered, unfettered in the best ways.

Wrap me up in it, let it envelop me entirely.

Let me drown in You.

Let me let it all go.

Oblivion.

Silence.

Peace.

You.

So, today was a self-care day.  i was feeling off-centered and so the focus was on self, and not on stressors. 

Nails and hair, were the self-care tasks for today.

For the first time in a long time, i took really genuine serious time to do my nails.  Generally i rush through them to get them done enough to suffice.  Not today.  Today it was on my task list. 

my first thought:  "They have to be perfect."

This is something i struggle with.  So, i took a deep mental breath, and repeated something that i have been doing for a little while now.

"It does not have to be perfect in result, what it has to be--is done to the best of my ability with the energy, focus, and time that i have to devote to it."

i devoted my time and focus, and the result is happy making.

Holy hell.  It's been a year now!  How this year has changed my life... I am so much better of a person for all of the connections I have made here, and the things that I have learned.  So, I raise a glass to the connections that I have made, and pour a little out for the ones that have come and gone.  Thank all of you for being supportive, and sassy, and making this a lovely place to be.  <3!

Paraphrase from a viral video i came across:  I don't want anymore: Autistic Burnout and Functional Freeze

Growing up I was taught in order to get the things that I wanted, I had to do things that I did not want to do.  So much time spent on doing things that I did not want to do, to get the things that I did want.  Now, I don't want anything.  Wanting means I have to do things that I don't want to do.  I know what I don't want... that is easy.  I don't know what I want anymore.  Every path I take seems to be littered with shit I don't wanna do, and I can't find what I want anymore.

The intensity in which i identified with this clip when i had come across it, punched me in the gut so hard it physically took my breath away.  i am so exhausted with forcing myself to do all of the shit that brings me sadness, and pain, and frustration, and depression, and all the shitty feelings.... for what?  Like, i can't see the point right now.  The payoff doesn't come near the ick that i would have to invest, because i can't want something reasonable anymore.  i can have super unrealistic fantasies that aren't humanly possible... but to set a realistic goal, or want or desire?  i'm fucking burned out.  Gas tank has been on e for years, and i done burnt up the last of the fumes; and i don't have the first clue how to refill it.  You know why? Cause i don't want to.  Cause i don't want to do all the bullshit miserable crap that is required for wanting anything.

i'm hormonal, and i don't know where else to fucking vent.  Maybe this is temporary, but it feels like the opposite, the few times i brave the energy to want something... those are the times that feel like temporary insanity.  Usually when i rant like this i do some research and put some rationale and logic to the drivel.  i just needed to purge this shit out into the world.  So, sorry, and thank you for reading.  Maybe when i feel less angry? Frustrated? What is the emotion that is energized hopeless?  i don't know, feelings are stupid and hard.  i don't want them either to be fair.