Paraphrase from a viral video i came across: I don't want anymore: Autistic Burnout and Functional Freeze
Growing up I was taught in order to get the things that I wanted, I had to do things that I did not want to do. So much time spent on doing things that I did not want to do, to get the things that I did want. Now, I don't want anything. Wanting means I have to do things that I don't want to do. I know what I don't want... that is easy. I don't know what I want anymore. Every path I take seems to be littered with shit I don't wanna do, and I can't find what I want anymore.
The intensity in which i identified with this clip when i had come across it, punched me in the gut so hard it physically took my breath away. i am so exhausted with forcing myself to do all of the shit that brings me sadness, and pain, and frustration, and depression, and all the shitty feelings.... for what? Like, i can't see the point right now. The payoff doesn't come near the ick that i would have to invest, because i can't want something reasonable anymore. i can have super unrealistic fantasies that aren't humanly possible... but to set a realistic goal, or want or desire? i'm fucking burned out. Gas tank has been on e for years, and i done burnt up the last of the fumes; and i don't have the first clue how to refill it. You know why? Cause i don't want to. Cause i don't want to do all the bullshit miserable crap that is required for wanting anything.
i'm hormonal, and i don't know where else to fucking vent. Maybe this is temporary, but it feels like the opposite, the few times i brave the energy to want something... those are the times that feel like temporary insanity. Usually when i rant like this i do some research and put some rationale and logic to the drivel. i just needed to purge this shit out into the world. So, sorry, and thank you for reading. Maybe when i feel less angry? Frustrated? What is the emotion that is energized hopeless? i don't know, feelings are stupid and hard. i don't want them either to be fair.