This is Part 2 but I Am Who I Am - Part 1 can be found in my blog as well.
I met him (K) when I was 15, the summer after my mother abandoned me. I was lost and lonely and desperate for love. I had my first real boyfriend at the time but K did all he could to break us up, under the guise of our friendship. He would play the 'suicide' card so often and how he needed me but it was normal behavior to me after dealing with my mother. Nevertheless I felt obligated to help and that I couldn't turn my back on him. This is how we started 'dating'.
Over the length of the relationship I would endure every type of abuse including physical, emotional, psychological and sexual. Through the years the abuse escalated as it always tends to do. His troubles with alcohol grew increasingly worse until he was drunk daily.
I was cut off from all friends, only allowed to see them or talk to them if he was present. I could go to work and then straight home. It wasn't possible for me to maintain friendships, plus anyone who saw bruises or black eyes on me would just ignore it. In my mind that meant noone cared. Just exactly like he always said to me. Only K's friends were allowed over and they would get drunk and ridicule and insult me all evening.
He took my virginity one drunken night at age 17 when he suddenly pushed it in, did his thing and left me crying in a pair of bloody and cum filled panties while he went back to the party. This didn't change much over the years, if there was any sex it was fast, no foreplay and just him getting off. He would take what he wanted, even if I said no or was crying. I learnt to give a good blowjob so that it was over quickly. For years I heard that if I was better in bed or more sexy, he would want to fuck me. That it was my fault he cheated on me. He convinced me that getting wet was bad, and didn't feel good for him.
If we were out and a guy looked at me or noticed me, K would become enraged and take it out on me physically at home with his fists. He was convinced that I got attention because I was a slut. That I was asking for it. I learnt to never show my feelings and to hide it when I was horny.
I had my first orgasm at age 24 from touching myself. I had no idea what I had been missing.
Nothing I did was ever good enough, I just became so used to feeling worthless. I hate compliments to this very day because I feel like they are insincere or about someone else. My self image is distorted. Logically I know this and why but when I'm emotional or feel hurt its easy to slip down that slope.
He controlled all of the money and spent irresponsibly while racking up debt in both of our names. Without access to money, even if I was brave enough, I couldn't leave him. And where would I go? I felt trapped for a very long time.
We were together almost 10 years and it reached a crescendo one violent night when he arrived home drunk. He made himself a sandwich while I pretended to be asleep as I often did. Just my mere presence was enough to instigate a vicious reaction so I always slept on the couch. Out of sight & hopefully out of his mind. As he ate he mumbled away and then said tonight was it, he was going to kill me. He had never said that before. He stated it calmly and matter of factly and I knew he had thought it through. Something was off, he was different. My heart started racing as I frantically thought about what I was going to do.
That night will be Part 3 but not tonight.
