Being fiercely independent has its drawbacks, including needing to be needy sometimes. I was trying to go it alone for basically my entire life and finally hit a wall this year. Spinning wheels, burning money, delivering pizza to usually grateful people. School was progressing and sure, I had a dream to change my town, but nothing felt real. I marked each day on the calendar, riding the bus of life. Now I feel like I’m driving it.
I snapped one day and confronted maybe my deepest fear, intimacy. I was so anxious that I blew past my reservations and let myself admit the thought- I need someone. Going it solo was not working. I couldn’t get nearly as far alone.
Sometimes, in the cruel way it has, anxiety will push me past the walls it helped me build and swing blindly into the future. Success rate: varying.
What appealed to me so much about bdsm was letting down my guard enough to not be worried about the environment or a knock on the door or being too loud or pretending to be someone different. Looking forward to giving someone control of me?? The high from intimacy is better than a wake-n-bake that lasts through the day. AND, it’s a two-way road, I get to give pleasure while satisfying my urge to satisfy? It’s genuinely incredible. It’s also done wonders for my own philosophy. I’m seeing parallels everywhere.
But, I haven’t been in that kind of dynamic yet. I think I need a dynamic that grows individually, where both sides don’t necessarily have expectations. It might be the true demisexual way.
