The Lord's Realm

Some helpful tips for new Dominants... Part 2

6. Real Dominants can eat pussy. Real Dominants can suck cock... 

The notion that Dominants don’t or shouldn’t perform oral sex is one of the most ridiculous rumors that has ever been started. As if the mere act of putting your mouth on someone’s genitals denotes submission or a lack of Dominance? Dominants can take it up the ass too, if that is what they're in to. It doesn’t matter what you do, or what you enjoy, as long as you're true to yourself. Sexual acts do not define a Dominant. The mind does.

 7. Not all women are submissive. Not all men are Dominant... 

If you believe that, I’d like to introduce you to a few people who will bear personal testimony to the contrary. Do not default to the notion that scene orientation, or lifestyle choices,  are defined by gender. Or that their career choice defines their play style preference. It does not. And your time in this lifestyle, especially if you interact with the public scene, will be a lot easier, and a whole lot less embarrassing, if you accept and incorporate those facts into your psyche now. Never predetermined what somebody's sexual preferences are for them. As you will almost always be wrong.

When in doubt, ask. Or just wait for them to tell you. Just never assume. 

 8. Honor everyone’s relationship dynamic.. 

Many people have many different dynamics and protocols in this lifestyle. When in doubt, revert to tip #3. But also, once you have been made aware of them, do not dismiss them simply because you think they are silly. In reality, they may be in your opinion. But if you are going to be or want to interact with individuals who have a certain dynamic/protocol, there are only two options. Either honor it, and they're by showing them respect, to gain the ability to associate with them or if you don't want to, or can't, do that just don’t deal with them at all. Since that is what they have decided for themselves, your opinion will have little or no impact, other than showing them that you have no respect for them. So complaining or whining about it will do nothing positive for sure, and more likely something negative will come of it.

And who knows, one day you may develop dynamics or protocols that others may find strange. Think how you would want to be treated in that situation and then behave accordingly.

It’s funny how there are those who will ask for permission to touch someone’s toys.

But then that same person can somehow think that it's okay for them to treat someone’s partner however they want.

Doesn't something about that seem a little bit weird to you? 

 9. Not all slaves are submissives. Some Dominants do bottom.. 

There may come the time when you run into a really, REALLY sadistic person. Every now and then, you will find out that said person may actually be a slave. There are some slaves who put the most sadistic Dominants to shame. Trust me on this one. But don’t judge.

You also may see or read an account of a Dominant who is a masochist and really likes getting flogged or caned. Don’t be surprised. And don’t judge.

You may discover that you may enjoy the feel of a flogger or a cane. If that is what you like, go for it. It will NOT diminish you, except in the eyes of the petty people. And they don't matter. 

For some people, things can be more fluid then we are lead to believe. A Dominant can get the crap beat out of them and still remain a Dominant. It’s not always the play that matters. It’s the mindset. There are times when some things are just physical. It’s the way the scene works for them at that time.

 10. Dominant =/= Sadist

Not every Dominant is a Sadist. Not every Dominant enjoys causing a great deal of pain. Not every Dominant wants people in a pile of subbie goo due to pain infliction

Some helpful tips for new Dominants... Part 1

 1. You will fuck up... 

New Dominants WILL make mistakes. It’s a fact of life. To be fair, experienced Dominants will make mistakes. Intermediate Dominants will make mistakes. If you are a Dominant or think you want to be a Dominant, you will make a mistake. At least one for sure. But probably a whole lot more than one. 

Accept it and move on.

The only thing that makes a mistake worse is not learning from them. Use them as opportunities to grow and learn. Talk to people about them. Figure out what went wrong then incorporate that and try not to do it again.

If you act like everything you do is perfect and without flaw, then you are an idiot and whoever plays or submits to you will also be an idiot. Because none of us are perfect. But what we can do is try to learn from the mistake and improve our skills, on an ongoing basis for the rest of our lives. 

 2. Beating someone does not make you a Dominant... 

Any idiot can figure out how to use a flogger, cane, crop, do rope, punch, kick, etc. The list goes on. Simply because you have become adept at kicking someone’s a$$ is not the mark of a Dominant. It just means you have the potential to be abusive. At best, it makes you a Top. For the record, there is nothing wrong with being a Top. But not every Top is a Dominant. For many people, they are completely different terms.

There is much more to being a Dominant than simply engaging in impact play. And please do not confuse what happens in a scene as your goal for an overall daily relationship role. That would be like thinking the sex scenes that pornstars do on film are an accurate reflection of regular vanilla sex. 

 3. Ask questions... 

Ask as many questions as you can, of whom ever you can, about just about anything you can. For every pompous jackass out there who thinks they are too good to help out a new person, there are several more who are more than willing to assist new Dominants. You can learn something from almost everyone, even if it is what not to do or what you don’t want to do. The more questions you ask of individuals the more informed you will become. And don’t limit yourself to just Dominants. There are submissives and slaves out there with a wealth of experience and knowledge who you can draw from as well. Their knowledge is just as valid as a Dominants is for you. In fact, they tend to be much more willing to share and give you the time and attention necessary for you to fully understand and digest the knowledge given you. And then of course to also answer your follow-up questions that are sure to come up. Also, they have the unique perspective of not only completely understanding the submissive end of it, but also being able to explain the Dominant end of it as it pertains to them. 

 4. Be realistic about who and what you are... 

If you give yourself a title such as Sir or Master or Mistress and you have only been in the scene a few months, prepare to be mocked and laughed at. Seriously. It’s not cool. Now, of course, you are free to refer to yourself in any way you see fit. Likewise, people are free to respond in a way that THEY see fit. If you are 26, 36 or 56 years old and have only been involved for 3 months, perhaps calling yourself Master Tony isn’t the best idea. And expecting people to refer to you as such probably isn’t going to fly.

Understand that there are people who go years before attaching a monicker to themselves. Or better yet, before the community gives them that title. Because that is the definition of earned. Respect that. Don’t make a mockery of their time and energy simply because you thought it would be cool to add Master or Mistress to your name. Especially if you aren’t one yet (emphasis on yet — because who knows, it very well could happen). And will, if you are willing to devote the time and energy necessary to achieve it

 5. Just because you saw someone do it, doesn’t mean you can, or should even try to... 

So you went to a private play party or went to a demo and saw someone do something really cool and interesting. The person doing it made it look so easy that you are sure, with your vast intelligence, that you can do it as well, right?

Wrong!

The reason they made it look easy is most likely because they’ve been doing it for quite a while. They’ve had a bunch of practice and have studied it. Maybe had a mentor show them how to do it. The value of hands-on experience cannot be overstated. But who knows where they originally gained the knowledge?

But I think it's safe to say, they didn’t just decide to grab a needle and thread and sew somebody's pussy shut, without doing some sort of incredibly thorough research and looking into all of the things that go into that activity long before ever actually trying it. 

So when you see something happen that you want to try, first observe as closely as possible without overly encroaching on the participants. And then when appropriate, refer to item #3.

Ask the person questions, provided their scene is over or maybe at the conclusion of the demo. If they are giving a demonstration, then they are there to answer questions, so ask them and make sure you figure out how to do that cool thing before you try it for real. 

When you get better at relationships, your entire life becomes more connected. When you get better at managing your money, your entire life becomes more stable. When you get better at managing your reactions, things last.

They last because you know how to take care of them. Because you first learned to take care of you. You are the most constant relationship in your own life, and the most constant presence in your own life. You are the most common denominator in every experience you ever had, and will ever have.

Invest in yourself and the ripple effects are often greater than you can imagine. Remember, you get to decide who you want to be. What you are going to value, what is going to matter. You get to choose, and cultivate the kind of person you're going to become, because an amazing life rarely happens by accident. You are your own vessel, and the way you build it changes the way you experience everything- every last thing that will ever come your way.

You are the key element of every single thing you will ever see and feel and know, and that is why it matters. The variable is not whether or not the future will arrive, it will. The choice is what version of you shows up to meet it.

Because You walk through a room with a commanding presence, confident in your superiority, you can leave a perfect handprint on a sub’s rump, and you have a killer suit with great cuff links...

Tell me about your ethics.

Tell me how you calm a sub who is in the midst of a panic attack at work.

Regale me with a passed experience where you made the choice to be selfless for the care of another.

Better yet, tell me about a time you failed and how you grew from it to never make the mistake again.

Being a Dom isn’t just having confidence, a sharp look, and a firm hand.
You are never as Dominant as when you are caring for your submissive.
The tough talk and bluster will only get you far enough to give a sub an experience she will walk away from knowing what she doesn’t want.

You want to be a Dom?

Be a gentleman first and foremost.
Shed the ego, it has no place here.
This is a call to the gentleman Dom’s, the Daddy Dom’s, the Masters, the real Dominants.
Stand up and let’s show the unowned, the newly awakened, and those submissives hurting and ready to give up that they have hope.
That there is still a chivalrous and steadfast order of worthy Dominants ready to care, nurture, protect, and punish from a position of power and passion granted by those with the boundless wells of strength, devotion, and love.