It’s been quite a while since I’ve shared my thoughts, emotions, and feelings. I’ve started a few times and then end up deleting it. For many reasons. Fear is the main one. But I will fear no more.
I started this journey at the beginning of the year. I have had the opportunity to meet all kinds of people. I’ve been lucky enough to have made a true friend. A friendship I cherish and appreciate very much. She is someone special to me. You know who you are...I love you lots!! Thank you so very much for being YOU! 😘💖💗
I was also fortunate to have met someone whom I love and adore. He is who I have given myself to completely. I can’t fathom a future or life without Him. When we finally had our weekend together...well...my love for Him only got deeper and stronger. We’ve made it through distance. We’ve made it through misunderstandings. We’ve made it through haters. We’ve made it through time. But...can we make it through this?? My heart and soul want to believe we can make it through anything.
However, my confidence grows weaker with each passing day. My mental and emotional pain and suffering is amounting to such a level like none I’ve ever experienced in my life. I am feeling defeated and utterly helpless. I ask myself...how much more of this can I take?? But I don’t have an answer because I don’t know. I just know that this is destroying me! I’m going crazy!
As I wait for Him to react...I am pray that I can make it. All the love He made me feel has somehow been replaced with coldness and non-emotional responses. He tells me He still loves me...He still wants me...He doesn’t want me to leave Him. He tells me many things. But what He shows me...how He treats me...is so completely opposite. It’s driving me insane! Does He care? He says He does. But does nothing to make it better. Is He enjoying this? He says He isn’t. But doesn’t do anything to fix things. Is He punishing me? No is His answer. But still He does nothing.
I have told Him in many different ways how He is making me feel. He knows what I’m going through. I have tried to make Him understand that His treatment is tearing down. He knows. He knows everything I’m feeling and thinking. I have apologized for all I’ve ever said or done wrong. I have assured Him of my complete submission to Him. I have bared my soul to Him. I have hidden nothing from Him.
So, I don’t know what else I can do. I don’t know that there is anything else I can do. He has all the power. It is all up to Him now. Will He love me or leave me?? I pray He will love me!!
This has been the hardest blog I’ve ever written. The most painful and tearful. I share with you a piece of my soul. Thank you to all who taken the time to read my words. I hope all of you have a wonderful morning or afternoon or evening (depending on where you live).
XOXO,
Missub
