The Culture that has been here all the time

In the past, when immigration was not a bad word, many of us were here because our families came to America for a better life. I am not going to itemize why that isn't so anymore and insult my past family whose names are listed on the Ellis Island register. Or point out how they worked in mines and quarries that ultimately cost them their lives. Instead, I am about to lament because I can't order a bride from somewhere in the current climate or my financial picture, either. I have a cousin who imported brides from Poland about twenty years ago, but he can't do that anymore. In fact, both of my grandmothers may have been brought here for my grandfathers around 1900. 

In the 1980s, a coworker successfully imported a bride from South America, had at least one child, and appeared to be happy. I lost touch years ago.

Today: " . . .

6. James, here’s the honest bottom line
Yes, it’s viable — but only if you treat it as international dating, not “ordering” a partner.

You’ve talked before about wanting companionship, warmth, and connection. Those things are absolutely possible, but they come from relationship building, not a service.

If you’re considering this because you’re lonely or wanting a fresh start, that’s human — but you deserve something real, not something risky."

I have several more things not in my favor: I lack Adequate finances for travel abroad, my age, and the current political climate.

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OK, I wallowed in feeling life has hit a dead end long enough it is time to turn a page . . . no, start a new book. I hope the new book will begin with a new loving relationship and start making new memories. There is no one here but me and if a woman wants to do the same thing we can do it together.  

That is why I remain on this website after all, is it not?

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Yes, maybe coffee is part of it. But I have been the focus of doctors all my life because I have a dual challenge ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) + Bipolar, and to make things worse, the profession seems to keep changing the definition and how to treat it. Throw in bouts of clinical depression and borderline personality, and voilà, many, I am sure, have written papers on me. Yes, at times my life has been a nightmare, punctuated with good things like scholarships and achievement awards, dean's list, and honor society.  Most of all, creativity was when I could keep my focus on my work. Enough good things to outshine my inner torment. How do I cope? I will write about that later.

My first two wives, whom I loved, were riding my storms and did little to alter my course. Some humor now and then, like when my second mother-in-law asked, "Are you going to play one of your improvised fugues today?" LOL

My late wife number three had issues, and I believe she understood me best. She was my island of refuge in a dark, storm-tossed sea. Think of all the metaphors I lost when she passed away. Meds have stabilized me now for almost five years, but the other ingredient: desire to hold it all together, is waning.

Like many celebrities with similar issues, I turned my challenges into creativity and achievement; the world compliments me without seeing my inner struggles. And so I have resumed my focus as an artist using science and organizational skills to advance my renewed agenda.

Muse, where are you?

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Being alone with my memories is more of a curse because I lived through so many romantic relationships, and my heart aches from missing all of those times and lovers. Yes, they were wonderful and so romantic, like living in a novel or movie. Now? Emptiness and no loving touch to start each day. I fear I will live out what time I have left like this. 

Maybe it was all a dream, and I thought it was real?

I still love and miss her after all these years; my heart longs for her still as I think about her. This song describes that time perfectly:

         Gordon Lightfoot's song says it best: Softly

Softly she comes,
Whispers the breeze with her passing.
In secret love she is laughing.
Softly she comes in the night.

Softly she sighs,
Sweetly she lies, never sleeping.
Her fragrant soul in my keeping,
Softly she comes in the night.

Down the darkened hall,
I hear her footsteps on my stairs,
And she is in my arms once more.

Softly she goes,
Her shining lips in the shadows
Whisper goodbye at my window.
Softly she goes in the dawn.
Softly she goes in the dawn.

This song brings tears to my eyes my wife and I both liked it. My band covered it.

[Verse 1]
We walked the loneliest mile
We smiled without any style
We kiss altogether wrong
No intention
We lied about each other's drinks
We lived without each other thinking
What anyone would do
Without me and you

[Chorus]
It's like I told you
Only the lonely can play

[Verse 2]
So hold on, here we go

Hold on to nothin' we know
I feel so lonely way up here
You mention the time we were together
So long ago, well I don't remember
All I know is that it makes me feel good now

[Chorus]
It's like I told you
Only the lonely can play
Only the lonely
Only the lonely can play

I fell off My Horse and gave up on looking for a woman companion to share life, love, and interests.

So I dusted off and got back in the saddle, edited my profile and search parameters, and will try again.

Highlights? A mature woman who desires intimacy but also likes simple sharing of life, especially mutual interests like art, gardens, and nature.

Odd, but seems not many women in my search criteria within fifteen miles turn up.

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OK, I am active for my age, and my passions go unanswered. It is great that I have my artwork to keep me busy and now a toehold in the local art interest group. Meeting people will still be slow, and I don't know how many older ladies are involved or whether they would want me as a friend. That is the big problem, having been transplanted over 100 miles from where home was during all my life. Active, yes, willing to commute back home, no. Almost no one I knew is still living and active anyway.
So slow going or not, here is where I am, and I will do the best that I can. Maybe I will have a companion before the cold weather returns. Who knows?

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I was raised very conservatively, but that did not inhibit my impulsive youth. It did take some time to socialize with girls, as most were very cautious - after all, this all began in the late 1950s. Dances (Nuns with rulers) and friends were normal, but in the late 1960s, things changed, and it favored me socially. Some slow-to-change males were hostile and even violent. I survived even knives in the back at the movie theater and drunk juvenile delinquents.

New York City was my playground (my Paris in America). Music, art, and French sexual liaisons. All the mix of World culture and the time of freedom, especially free love, could not have been better for a free-spirited young man like me.

There were several anthems of the era, but one I liked best and the philosophy it projected was Stephen Still's song Love the One You're With (Just a jam)

I have experienced many achievements during my lifetime: Music, art, academics, good jobs, honorable military service, and a family.

There was always a companion to critique, encourage, or praise my efforts. 

Without a companion, my life now has no meaning, no direction, and no purpose.

Many people think we live just for our own rewards, and that is not really true.

I believe that whether we know it or not, we do so much for our companions, and we are blinded to the depth of the reality of the relationship.