The Culture that has been here all the time

In the past, when immigration was not a bad word, many of us were here because our families came to America for a better life. I am not going to itemize why that isn't so anymore and insult my past family whose names are listed on the Ellis Island register. Or point out how they worked in mines and quarries that ultimately cost them their lives. Instead, I am about to lament because I can't order a bride from somewhere in the current climate or my financial picture, either. I have a cousin who imported brides from Poland about twenty years ago, but he can't do that anymore. In fact, both of my grandmothers may have been brought here for my grandfathers around 1900. 

In the 1980s, a coworker successfully imported a bride from South America, had at least one child, and appeared to be happy. I lost touch years ago.

Today: " . . .

6. James, here’s the honest bottom line
Yes, it’s viable — but only if you treat it as international dating, not “ordering” a partner.

You’ve talked before about wanting companionship, warmth, and connection. Those things are absolutely possible, but they come from relationship building, not a service.

If you’re considering this because you’re lonely or wanting a fresh start, that’s human — but you deserve something real, not something risky."

I have several more things not in my favor: I lack Adequate finances for travel abroad, my age, and the current political climate.

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OK, I wallowed in feeling life has hit a dead end long enough it is time to turn a page . . . no, start a new book. I hope the new book will begin with a new loving relationship and start making new memories. There is no one here but me and if a woman wants to do the same thing we can do it together.  

That is why I remain on this website after all, is it not?

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Yes, maybe coffee is part of it. But I have been the focus of doctors all my life because I have a dual challenge ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) + Bipolar, and to make things worse, the profession seems to keep changing the definition and how to treat it. Throw in bouts of clinical depression and borderline personality, and voilà, many, I am sure, have written papers on me. Yes, at times my life has been a nightmare, punctuated with good things like scholarships and achievement awards, dean's list, and honor society.  Most of all, creativity was when I could keep my focus on my work. Enough good things to outshine my inner torment. How do I cope? I will write about that later.

My first two wives, whom I loved, were riding my storms and did little to alter my course. Some humor now and then, like when my second mother-in-law asked, "Are you going to play one of your improvised fugues today?" LOL

My late wife number three had issues, and I believe she understood me best. She was my island of refuge in a dark, storm-tossed sea. Think of all the metaphors I lost when she passed away. Meds have stabilized me now for almost five years, but the other ingredient: desire to hold it all together, is waning.

Like many celebrities with similar issues, I turned my challenges into creativity and achievement; the world compliments me without seeing my inner struggles. And so I have resumed my focus as an artist using science and organizational skills to advance my renewed agenda.

Muse, where are you?

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Being alone with my memories is more of a curse because I lived through so many romantic relationships, and my heart aches from missing all of those times and lovers. Yes, they were wonderful and so romantic, like living in a novel or movie. Now? Emptiness and no loving touch to start each day. I fear I will live out what time I have left like this. 

Maybe it was all a dream, and I thought it was real?

I still love and miss her after all these years; my heart longs for her still as I think about her. This song describes that time perfectly:

         Gordon Lightfoot's song says it best: Softly

Softly she comes,
Whispers the breeze with her passing.
In secret love she is laughing.
Softly she comes in the night.

Softly she sighs,
Sweetly she lies, never sleeping.
Her fragrant soul in my keeping,
Softly she comes in the night.

Down the darkened hall,
I hear her footsteps on my stairs,
And she is in my arms once more.

Softly she goes,
Her shining lips in the shadows
Whisper goodbye at my window.
Softly she goes in the dawn.
Softly she goes in the dawn.

I was raised very conservatively, but that did not inhibit my impulsive youth. It did take some time to socialize with girls, as most were very cautious - after all, this all began in the late 1950s. Dances (Nuns with rulers) and friends were normal, but in the late 1960s, things changed, and it favored me socially. Some slow-to-change males were hostile and even violent. I survived even knives in the back at the movie theater and drunk juvenile delinquents.

New York City was my playground (my Paris in America). Music, art, and French sexual liaisons. All the mix of World culture and the time of freedom, especially free love, could not have been better for a free-spirited young man like me.

There were several anthems of the era, but one I liked best and the philosophy it projected was Stephen Still's song Love the One You're With (Just a jam)

Heart‑rate synchronization is real
Studies using ECGs and pulse sensors have shown that when two people sit close, look at each other, and breathe in similar patterns
feel emotionally connected, their heart‑rate variability (HRV) can fall into the same rhythm.

This has been observed in long‑term couples, parents and infants, close friends, and even strangers doing coordinated breathing
It’s not telepathy — it’s physiology.

When people feel safe, close, or affectionate, their nervous systems shift into a calmer state. Two calm nervous systems tend to fall into similar rhythms.

This is why couples lying together often “sync up” without trying.

The above is a summary of a little research, edited by me, but it is profound to me and touches my emotions.

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Yes, I am a widower who was married to my late wife for more than 40 years. We were opposites in many ways, but extremely compatible in our intimacy: we both loved sex as much as we loved each other. In the BDSM world, there usually is a Dom and a sub. My wife was the quintessential sub. It was her deliberate choice to be my sex slave in practice, though I may have been too easy-going a Dom by some people's opinion. Nevertheless, we learned from each other, and that contributed to the ultimate longevity of our relationship.

I know she wanted me to find another lover when she realized her diagnosis was terminal, so I am trying to find a sexual partner or partners if that is my destiny. Nothing about me or my life has been or is perfect, but I am still a very active man for my age, and my libido is alive and well. Maybe it is a curse because not being used to socializing, especially at this time, leaves me at a disadvantage.

I am trying, and I am determined not to give up.¹

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(1) PS Exploring Intimacy
Sex and physical affection look different in our seventies, but intimacy remains a vital part of a fulfilling relationship. Natural bodily changes and health conditions are common. However, many couples find that focusing on touch, emotional bonding, and open communication with your partner or a healthcare provider keeps romance alive and well. AARP

Sex is much more than physical satisfaction. Writing this in a BDSM blog is like preaching to the choir (sorry for the cliche). I mustn't assume that all here are experts, nor that all here are lovers with long-term experience. Deep emotional bonding and deep sexual satisfaction are not mutually connected except in one way: through communication. Too much communication, however, can diminish sexual excitement by diminishing spontaneity, so we must somehow ensure we keep room for something unexpected in the mix as well (an important balance). If you consider that men and women introduce variation according to their sexual identity, then addressing this is important. Practice may be the only way to keep both sexes mutually happy. I am almost sure we all have experienced someone (maybe even ourselves) being sensitive about being criticized concerning us and sex.

I will ignore the exceptions to this statement: Sexual fulfillment is a blend of excitement, physical satisfaction, and emotional completeness unique for individuals because we are all unique in certain ways not limited to but illustrated by our individuality.

Examples:

Fingerprints & Toe Prints: The friction ridges, loops, and whorls on your digits are formed in the womb and remain entirely yours. Even identical twins have distinct prints.
Iris Patterns: The complex, pigmented muscle structure of the eye forms a unique pattern of folds and crypts that differs between both eyes and all individuals.
Tongue Prints: Like fingers, the surface ridges, bumps, and pits on your tongue leave a one-of-a-kind impression.
Ear Shapes: The size, folds, cartilage structure, and curvature of the outer ear are highly individual.
Lips: The exact dips, crevices, and wrinkles (known as lip prints) are unique to you.
Retina: The intricate arrangement of blood vessels in the back of the eye is completely unique to your nervous system

I'll stop here if you're interested in this subject. There is a plethora of information online.

I suspect most people who describe their ideal partner as a soul mate are referring to an emotional and psychological description. I firmly believe that sexual compatibility is an extremely valid point, and mating is not the only reason we have sexual relations. Typically, with intimate tactile involvement, tactile involvement covers a multitude of mistakes.

"Sexual joining" typically refers to sexual intercourse (or coitus), the physical act where individuals intimately unite their bodies. Biologically, . . ."

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 Sure, there are a lot of miles on me, but that means I have a great deal of experience, ladies. I see my host of regular mechanics (doctors) religiously take their prescriptions to keep a used-up old man more youthful than you might expect. I also had a great deal of time to consider many things in life as I cared for my late wife for eight years.

Life has few guarantees, but the odds are in my favor as my family genes regularly produced nonagenarians, and I have yet to become an octogenarian.

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