The Culture that has been here all the time

I have had an average, successful life and always had some friends. These friends knew me, and I knew them because we shared time and places. Co-workers and people from church, community, and neighborhood all interacted directly. I have mistakenly accepted people I have met online in various ways, changed email and messages, and somehow assumed they were equal in friendship to those I know personally in the past. I was and still am wrong. There is no known way these online acquaintances can compare to real friends. I look at pets and swear I know what they are thinking because they interact and communicate in some way.

These people online are clever and seem to be experts at manipulation. No. They are not friends.

I had a dream during which a younger self met me as I am now. He said, "Old man, what are you doing? You made better choices when you were my age." "Your adventures in your teens and twenties? You are lucky to be alive." "Your dad made a mess of women's lives, especially your mom, and so you worked hard not to let your omnipresent libido emulate his life."

"Allow me to list what was a good choice and what wasn't."

Good:

Chose to raise a family with your kids from previous marriages and your wife's - a blended family. A son and a daughter each.

You were carefull when it came to how much money you put into automobiles unlike your father.

You purchased several houses that were ok and in places good for the kids.

You chose to remain loyal to your wife when she was diagnosed with dementia in 2017 - early onset she is eight years your junior.

You tried to get a situation where you would have help caring for her by moving to Pennsylvania - wound up buying a modst home there.

You sought help as an Army Veteran.

So, in that list, I ignore mistakes now and then, especially when I let drinking alcohol cloud my judgment.

Bad:

Your ignorance of caregiving and not understanding what it means to a family when dementia is diagnosed.

You expected too much from others and that angered you.

The move from NJ to PA and your wife's prognosis stressed you and you were hap hazard when you shed possessions.

You squandered your assets in a futile effort to achieve two things simultaneously: Help with care for your wife and having an intimate compantion woman for you. You fell "hook Line and Sinker" into the hands of internet scammers. You put out thousands of dollars for nothing.

You learned from past mistakes in real eastate, fine art and popular music.

Crossroads: Wake up and think carefully; do not repeat your past errors; work to minimize your loss and continue caring for your wife.

What is my problem? There is no intimacy, and the doctors tell me it is necessary for a healthy life.

What does having sex have to do with it? Isn't that a song?

Pixabay.com

I am trying to understand why I am the only one who is taking care of my wife with ADA, and I am so utterly alone and feeling it all the time. Is there anybody out there? pixabay.com

One benefit of living into my seventies is that we have lived through scary times. Hiding under the desk at school in case of a nuclear attack. Dictators and belligerents pounding their fists on their tables, criticizing the US. Polio and cancer threaten our health. Gasoline shortages. Inflation. Immigration concerns. Spies and counter-spies. Clashing ideologies.

Guess what? We survived. Enemies became friends, and friends became enemies. 

Meanwhile, in the hidden agendas, greed and profits played a big part in keeping the world in one piece.

Yes, the headlines in Tabloids and their equivalents do a good job of keeping us on edge, joined by fake news online. And don't forget the apocalyptic and post-apocalypse movies added to our uneasiness.

Yes, if you are a victim of COVID, live in an area where a disaster occurred, or are in a war zone, the worst may happen, but thinking of life in these United States, we seem to get through it all and life goes on.

So far, at least.

I am thinking a lot about my old friends.

Hey all, I finally realized something: Since my only social life is when I interact with people online, I now know I am like a worm on a fish hook. I can squirm all I want, but nothing will change until a fish swallows me up.

My bad mood is getting worse fast. Life is hopeless.

I could have an open house kink party, but I live in a very conservative, conventional little town so that Idea died before it even was thought of.

What people in this town openly support and what they support in private remains hidden. AI image from pixabay.com

I went to bed somewhat early because I was not feeling right. My wife was already asleep, and soon, the two dogs and my big cat were in bed, too. I put the TV timer on for five minutes and lay my head on my pillow, with the dog in my arms and the cat snuggled between me and my wife. Christmas lights from houses in the neighborhood dazzled on the windows. I only have two LED imitation candles in the windows, and they are just because we live in an old house - a tradition of some kind. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine oblivion. 

Suddenly, I was walking around in a warm setting, almost tropical. The palm trees swayed nicely. People were enjoying the balmy weather, strolling or sitting on benches. I could hear the surf not far off, so I walked over to the fence between the road and the sand and watched some children romping on the beach and several fishermen surf fishing. The image was similar to when I surf-fished in my youth, except there were no palm trees where I fished. I lingered and did not keep track of time. The sun began to set, and the sky was as beautiful as I had seen. Softly, I felt a hand on my shoulder, and it was the woman behind me.

She was like my second wife, with blonde hair and green eyes. Trim and graceful, she spoke almost in a whisper, "I have been looking everywhere for you, Jim."  She softly lifted my hand, and we walked. As we did, she said, "I will help you care for Jeanne. Now you don't have to worry any longer."

pixabay.com

Bam! The cat pulled on my beard, which was his way of telling me to get up, master; "I'm hungry."

Sigh, it was only a dream.