The Culture that has been here all the time

Dear blog reader, if you are a woman 55 - 70 and live near me, maybe you and I would take a walk and have a talk. We may even become friends.

I am posting this because I am not gay and want to discourage males from sending me letters and invitations.

From a sexual point of view, entering puberty and senior status have some things in common: erotic dreams.

When we are young, and our sexuality (hormones) is influencing our body and mind, we can do very little but ride out the storm.  Erotic dreams point to the future when we will be able to enjoy our sexuality (even though we may not truly know what that means). Adjusting to the limitations as we age is not as challenging if we are open-minded and have a partner who understands what it means too.

Since life has taken me this far, I have learned several things about aging sexuality: 1) You need to adjust to bodily changes and not fear them; 2) Desire doesn't go away; 3) Adjusting socially to be able to engage in sexuality necessitates new attitudes and expectations.

Without a partner and no option to engage in sex, our minds pick up where we were in those days of puberty: we have erotic dreams.

My annual urology check-up went well. Why is this worth telling you about? At my age, it isn't a given; in fact, most men have serious challenges related to urology and sex; mine are minor, well within the scope of an aging man who is aging gracefully. Now that my intense caregiving role is past, what is the one thing I can do to help my health? Walk.

From my new urologist about my nonexistent sex life.

This is me every morning since my wife died: "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get" is a famous quote from the 1994 film Forrest Gump. Why? I cared so much for my late wife and had taken care of her through a long illness that I wonder if I have burned out all my goodness because I feel so empty. I sometimes imagine she is in the next room and talk to her ashes in the beautiful urn I placed them in. Miescule comfort.

"AI Overview (Google)

Mourning a spouse after forty years of marriage is 
a profound loss involving the grief of a shared life, identity, and future. It requires immense self-compassion, as healing is a non-linear process that often feels like a "roller coaster of hell". Key strategies include seeking support groups, engaging in self-care, and taking life one day or minute at a time.  Reddit +4"

This morning, I do not seem to care about myself at all. Unmotivated. I force myself not to think of lovers and sex, of travels and dreams, and I barely force myself to play guitar and sing old songs. Thinking about doing some simple artwork, like sketching faces, as a challenge. Life's experience has taught me that it will go on unless I am met with a sudden death.

Can there be a new woman to love and love me? Right now, (this morning), I doubt it with no reason to think otherwise.

My whole being is like a jigsaw puzzle, especially my heart. I live one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time, looking for one missing piece.

I am Neither Human Nor Machine, but in the right situation, I entertain. I can play guitar and sing songs for you and your friends. Or, I can tell stories and anecdotes to your heart's content. Just feed me and give me water or coffee (I do like half-and-half). I can plant a garden for you and keep it watered, weeded, and fed. When the time comes, I can bring in flowers and produce. I can escort you and drive you to where you want to go. I am low maintenance (still, despite having many miles on my body). I like animals, and most of them like me. How long I will last may depend on you, but nothing lasts forever, and my being and parts will rejoin the cosmos one day as I will vanish in a puff of dust. images all pixabay dot com.

A way older people can have a safe and affordable life:

"Two single adults receiving Social Security can live together in PA without losing benefits, provided they maintain separate financial responsibility for their housing costs. For Supplemental Security Income (SSI) recipients, paying a fair share of rent and food is crucial to avoid "in-kind support" reductions.  Social Security Administration (.gov) +2"

Apply to the Shared Housing and Resource Exchange (SHARE) Program | Commonwealth of Pennsylvania

Politicians collect favors; some men collect conquests of women; some women collect conquests of men; and greedy businessmen acquire companies. I collected CDs, rocks, books, and a few guitars. Some may say I collected wives, having been married three times, but my late wife and I were together for 41 years. Since she passed, I struggle to find my place on Earth now.

For most of my life, I overcompensated for my weak ability to socialize and to trust. Becoming a singer-songwriter was my great mask. Now I know how to go through the motions, but I am unsure if I can trust people. The only person I truly trusted was my late wife, and that was from the first moment we met, despite both of us having less-than-perfect lives before then.

Religious people, some family members, and some who claimed to be friends only served to feed my insecurity when they failed to live up to their promises. I have been doing a lot of introspective thinking, and I have come up with a disturbing question: Am I a disengenious person?

Perhaps people misread my inner insecurity, or perhaps I fooled myself into believing I was a good person. I was wild a large part of my life up until I became thirty-six and my marriage to my late wife. We were religious because it seemed to embrace two damaged people, but I discovered it was not a solid truth. I do have core positives, but I may be blind to my core negatives.

BDSM experience has given me a lifeline; I believe most participants are more honest than the general population.

For many years of my life, I had a kind of compass that pointed me toward the future. Yes, a big part of that was having a loving and trusting wife. Even though I was her primary (no, solo) caregiver for eight years, I had purpose and a sense that I had accomplished something in my life. Poof, all that evaporated. Now I am left with confusion and seem to drift without purpose.

I have many interests and even hobbies (I could resurrect), but without someone to share the joy they once brought me, it seems pointless. Yes, I have mourned, and yes, I believed I made it past most of that because of "The Long Goodbye Effect", but no, it still leaves me empty (very empty).

Sometimes I feel antisocial, and I'm misanthropic (minus hate, however), which limits my comfort level in social settings, which doesn't help. Having been scammed a great deal doesn't help. Being disappointed by the church and family doesn't help. In fact, I am irreligious, left with only a sense of spiritualism, which I embraced when I researched Native American spirituality.

Here on "thecage" are the closest people I consider friends, and I am glad for them.  I hope to meet a woman here who resonates with me and my sensibilities, so we can be the companions we each need. My recent foolishness leaves me financially ok but with limited ability for travel. I own a house and live in a nice old town, but my interaction with locals is sparse. First, because of all the caregiving for my late wife, and now my reluctance to plunge into the local society and culture, I am not a native of. Ironically, during my army days, I fit in with local people everywhere I went.

What is in my favor? I have a great capacity to love and share with the right woman.