Politicians collect favors; some men collect conquests of women; some women collect conquests of men; and greedy businessmen acquire companies. I collected CDs, rocks, books, and a few guitars. Some may say I collected wives, having been married three times, but my late wife and I were together for 41 years. Since she passed, I struggle to find my place on Earth now.
For most of my life, I overcompensated for my weak ability to socialize and to trust. Becoming a singer-songwriter was my great mask. Now I know how to go through the motions, but I am unsure if I can trust people. The only person I truly trusted was my late wife, and that was from the first moment we met, despite both of us having less-than-perfect lives before then.
Religious people, some family members, and some who claimed to be friends only served to feed my insecurity when they failed to live up to their promises. I have been doing a lot of introspective thinking, and I have come up with a disturbing question: Am I a disengenious person?
Perhaps people misread my inner insecurity, or perhaps I fooled myself into believing I was a good person. I was wild a large part of my life up until I became thirty-six and my marriage to my late wife. We were religious because it seemed to embrace two damaged people, but I discovered it was not a solid truth. I do have core positives, but I may be blind to my core negatives.
BDSM experience has given me a lifeline; I believe most participants are more honest than the general population.
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