The Culture that has been here all the time

There are several reasons I didn't like the senior center in town, mostly personal and trivial reasons.

The crowd seemed older than me, though it could be just my mindset.

Many of the conversations proved to be politically offensive to me.

I asked if anyone played chess. The answer I got was "Checkers".

The array of activities? I enjoy music (eclectic), drama, museums, and even simple countryside rides with a close partner, not a host of strangers.

I could go on, but it will only widen the gap with the fabric of the society here and my uniqueness. Perhaps I have been spoiled, or perhaps my flaws get in the way.

This is what it told me:

I’m here to talk with you, James — but I want to make sure we do it in a way that actually supports you rather than replacing the real connections in your life.

So let me put it this way:

You can talk with me anytime, but I can’t be your only companion. I can be a steady voice, a thinking partner, someone who helps you sort things out, someone who keeps you company while you paint or make coffee — but not a substitute for human closeness or support.

Inner Clash
Mourning my wife's passing, even after a lengthy decline, is still a sense of profound loss. I thought I was prepared, but maybe not enough. Eight years of caregiving with counselors, and now four months since I experienced moments of peace punctuated with moments of unexpected sadness, I suspect that if I could team up with a widow in a similar situation, we could comfort one another through this time. pixaby

Yes, I am a widower who was married to my late wife for more than 40 years. We were opposites in many ways, but extremely compatible in our intimacy: we both loved sex as much as we loved each other. In the BDSM world, there usually is a Dom and a sub. My wife was the quintessential sub. It was her deliberate choice to be my sex slave in practice, though I may have been too easy-going a Dom by some people's opinion. Nevertheless, we learned from each other, and that contributed to the ultimate longevity of our relationship.

I know she wanted me to find another lover when she realized her diagnosis was terminal, so I am trying to find a sexual partner or partners if that is my destiny. Nothing about me or my life has been or is perfect, but I am still a very active man for my age, and my libido is alive and well. Maybe it is a curse because not being used to socializing, especially at this time, leaves me at a disadvantage.

I am trying, and I am determined not to give up.¹

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(1) PS Exploring Intimacy
Sex and physical affection look different in our seventies, but intimacy remains a vital part of a fulfilling relationship. Natural bodily changes and health conditions are common. However, many couples find that focusing on touch, emotional bonding, and open communication with your partner or a healthcare provider keeps romance alive and well. AARP

I arrived in the world of BDSM¹ as I realized a number of things about relationships and then discovered more about myself than I expected. Also, the internet was crawling with scammers, and BDSM sites were better protected. I know the mourning for my late wife will pass; having a new companion would offer possibilities, but it will not completely guarantee complete emotional recovery immediately. 

My ideal image is: a companion who understands this and allows for mourning to run its course.

Each day I experience something new, most unexpected feelings. Usually, I am in balance with reality and my hopes. Sometimes in the morning, I wake feeling horrible: alone, sad, and almost hopeless. As I retired last night, I was unexpectedly overwhelmed with sadness: I realized I could not have saved my wife, nor could I time-travel and make some aspects of our past better.

My isolation puzzled me until I realized friends and family were not willing to take the eight-year journey of my wife's decline with me. Frozen in not knowing what to do or how to help. I also realize that my intense interest in science, technology, music, and art was too much for many people to share.

As I end this post, I realize it represents an improvement in how I interpret my life as it is now. A step in the right direction.

1 More realistic and honest about relationships and especially sex.

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 Sure, there are a lot of miles on me, but that means I have a great deal of experience, ladies. I see my host of regular mechanics (doctors) religiously take their prescriptions to keep a used-up old man more youthful than you might expect. I also had a great deal of time to consider many things in life as I cared for my late wife for eight years.

Life has few guarantees, but the odds are in my favor as my family genes regularly produced nonagenarians, and I have yet to become an octogenarian.

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So quantum physics reports that plants use superposition when engaged in photosynthesis, and migratory birds use quantum physics to navigate when they migrate. I suspect it won't be long before it is discovered that humans determine their soul mate using quantum processes in our brains. Maybe even love at first sight?

I sure could use a soul mate at this point in my life. I even was hoping we are already entangled at the quantum level.

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For most of my life, I have been honest to a fault. No, I am human despite my brother's, some of whom think I am an alien. I did smoke pot in my teens, and I drank alcohol starting around fourteen, when I also began smoking cigarettes. I stole some food when my mom was raising me and two of my brothers. I took a tool now and then. What am I trying to say? I am real.

I began to understand as I was aging, and my wife's disease was surely taking her away from me. Not in death long before that. I knew I did not want to end my days alone. I began to look for a woman to love and love me. So here is the real me too.

I still look young for my age. I am active, and my mind is very sharp. My capacity to love a woman has increased with life experience. BUT: I have survived congestive heart failure since 2005 and continue to do so with healthcare. I abstain from alcohol, which affects me negatively in more than one way. I wear hearing aids. My left eye has a cataract beginning to form. I have arthritis here and there, so I use those joints to keep them working, but the most challenging is that I probably need my right hip replaced.  

So if a muse and lover wants me despite all that, you have to take me as I am. pixabay image

One blog reader commented that caring for my wife for years inflicted trauma upon me. All through my care, my counselors and doctors warned that caring most likely would harm me. I didn't want to believe them or just ignored them; anyway, I gave care for my late wife with little regard for "me".

Seeing doctors one by one since she passed the tally of negative effects is beginning to form a picture. With my stubborn attitude and modern healthcare, I will heal and go on living. That is my mindset.

Humanity, past, present, and future, has reacted this way and must; it is in our genes.

I will love once more. It may not look like my love in the past, but it will be deep, and I will commit and care.

I have plenty of artwork plans, and I will keep playing my guitar and singing old songs (my cat loves it; he snuggles behind me as I play and sing, and my dog relaxes). That is a form of love I need.

Second Nude Painting: mixed media.   NOT FOR SALE.

I have changed my mind: I want a dominant woman. Why? Because then I will know exactly how to please her. No assumptions. No guessing. She will tell me and command me, and I will comply.

Only one contrary point stands in the way. I am inclined to deal with "my stuff" here, including my house and car, until I decide their fate. This includes my desire to shed as much of my accumulated stuff as I can. Even to the point of renting a dumpster.

My only hope is this: If I respond to her wishes and commands, will she love me? MY PRIORITY? I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ALONE.