The Culture that has been here all the time

My mother was always saying things about relationships, not about my father, but just some general things.

1. "Stay away from women who want to reinvent you into the image they prefer."

2. "Seek a woman who would be submissive but an intelligent partner."

3. "It never hurts to marry for money."

I met some of each didn't marry for money and discovered the stress created by a woman trying to mold me into what she wanted me to be.

What worked for more than forty years? Sexual compatibility and a willingness to work with the flaws of a partner.

Heart‑rate synchronization is real
Studies using ECGs and pulse sensors have shown that when two people sit close, look at each other, and breathe in similar patterns
feel emotionally connected, their heart‑rate variability (HRV) can fall into the same rhythm.

This has been observed in long‑term couples, parents and infants, close friends, and even strangers doing coordinated breathing
It’s not telepathy — it’s physiology.

When people feel safe, close, or affectionate, their nervous systems shift into a calmer state. Two calm nervous systems tend to fall into similar rhythms.

This is why couples lying together often “sync up” without trying.

The above is a summary of a little research, edited by me, but it is profound to me and touches my emotions.

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Yes, I am a widower who was married to my late wife for more than 40 years. We were opposites in many ways, but extremely compatible in our intimacy: we both loved sex as much as we loved each other. In the BDSM world, there usually is a Dom and a sub. My wife was the quintessential sub. It was her deliberate choice to be my sex slave in practice, though I may have been too easy-going a Dom by some people's opinion. Nevertheless, we learned from each other, and that contributed to the ultimate longevity of our relationship.

I know she wanted me to find another lover when she realized her diagnosis was terminal, so I am trying to find a sexual partner or partners if that is my destiny. Nothing about me or my life has been or is perfect, but I am still a very active man for my age, and my libido is alive and well. Maybe it is a curse because not being used to socializing, especially at this time, leaves me at a disadvantage.

I am trying, and I am determined not to give up.¹

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(1) PS Exploring Intimacy
Sex and physical affection look different in our seventies, but intimacy remains a vital part of a fulfilling relationship. Natural bodily changes and health conditions are common. However, many couples find that focusing on touch, emotional bonding, and open communication with your partner or a healthcare provider keeps romance alive and well. AARP

Sex is much more than physical satisfaction. Writing this in a BDSM blog is like preaching to the choir (sorry for the cliche). I mustn't assume that all here are experts, nor that all here are lovers with long-term experience. Deep emotional bonding and deep sexual satisfaction are not mutually connected except in one way: through communication. Too much communication, however, can diminish sexual excitement by diminishing spontaneity, so we must somehow ensure we keep room for something unexpected in the mix as well (an important balance). If you consider that men and women introduce variation according to their sexual identity, then addressing this is important. Practice may be the only way to keep both sexes mutually happy. I am almost sure we all have experienced someone (maybe even ourselves) being sensitive about being criticized concerning us and sex.

I will ignore the exceptions to this statement: Sexual fulfillment is a blend of excitement, physical satisfaction, and emotional completeness unique for individuals because we are all unique in certain ways not limited to but illustrated by our individuality.

Examples:

Fingerprints & Toe Prints: The friction ridges, loops, and whorls on your digits are formed in the womb and remain entirely yours. Even identical twins have distinct prints.
Iris Patterns: The complex, pigmented muscle structure of the eye forms a unique pattern of folds and crypts that differs between both eyes and all individuals.
Tongue Prints: Like fingers, the surface ridges, bumps, and pits on your tongue leave a one-of-a-kind impression.
Ear Shapes: The size, folds, cartilage structure, and curvature of the outer ear are highly individual.
Lips: The exact dips, crevices, and wrinkles (known as lip prints) are unique to you.
Retina: The intricate arrangement of blood vessels in the back of the eye is completely unique to your nervous system

I'll stop here if you're interested in this subject. There is a plethora of information online.

I suspect most people who describe their ideal partner as a soul mate are referring to an emotional and psychological description. I firmly believe that sexual compatibility is an extremely valid point, and mating is not the only reason we have sexual relations. Typically, with intimate tactile involvement, tactile involvement covers a multitude of mistakes.

"Sexual joining" typically refers to sexual intercourse (or coitus), the physical act where individuals intimately unite their bodies. Biologically, . . ."

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 Sure, there are a lot of miles on me, but that means I have a great deal of experience, ladies. I see my host of regular mechanics (doctors) religiously take their prescriptions to keep a used-up old man more youthful than you might expect. I also had a great deal of time to consider many things in life as I cared for my late wife for eight years.

Life has few guarantees, but the odds are in my favor as my family genes regularly produced nonagenarians, and I have yet to become an octogenarian.

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So quantum physics reports that plants use superposition when engaged in photosynthesis, and migratory birds use quantum physics to navigate when they migrate. I suspect it won't be long before it is discovered that humans determine their soul mate using quantum processes in our brains. Maybe even love at first sight?

I sure could use a soul mate at this point in my life. I even was hoping we are already entangled at the quantum level.

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Why irony hits so hard
Irony works because it exposes the gap between:

what we expect
what reality delivers
And that gap is where humor, frustration, or insight lives.

I have been affected by irony too often in my life. When things turn out well, that is great, but when things go wrong. I become perplexed and confused. I like to reflect on my early teenage years: I tried to imitate pop culture: Blue suede shoes, black leather jackets, playing guitar, and singing. Yet the amazing thing was? Every girl I liked didn't like me, and the girls I didn't like liked me. This situation didn't clear up until later, when I began performing regularly in New York City with a band I created. Like a child in a candy shop, I wound up causing problems out of ignorance. Eventually, I had normal experiences of marriage, divorce, children, and remarriage. My marriage to my late wife was more than forty years. Most of that time, I got by in life by making mostly the right assumptions and decisions. Here I am, old, still functioning well, living the life of a widower. Every day, I discover something about that situation and something about myself. The most significant self-revelation? Despite some faux claim, I wanted to be a hermit; I truly believe I am not meant to be alone, but I am.

I have a great deal of interests and experience to share, and I have softened my hard-line misanthropy; like a swimmer putting one toe in a cold lake, I want to swim with people and seek a compatible companion to share this phase of my life.

My priority is to find a lover/muse asap. I suppose I am mostly a Dom, but can switch to a sub for the right woman, for the purpose of learning, and as a potential way to make the unknown woman content and happy.

Not having a loving touch is horrible. And not being able to explore my kinky side probably is worse.

Not much else to say.

This is worth my breaking my silence. My cat Sunny Day loves it when I play my guitar and sing to him LOL.

I have one big secret for life as we age: use it or you lose it. OK, it isn't original. Joints that work together as I play guitar are working better since I practice each day. Singing voice has regained some range. My worn hip is even bothering me less because I cut the lawn (careful not to overdo it). My senses are good as I pet my cat and dog several times a day. A neighbor I did not know well, and I have conversations with now, and her husband, too, squeak me into socializing a minuscule bit. I compensate for a rusty drawing hand with old artists' tricks. Most of all, I use my brain for all of the above, plus a chess lesson every day and a theoretical physics video every day.  My favorites include Feynman because he is so eloquent to understand. One big fear.

My greatest fear is that as the hourglass dribbles grains of sand, the longer I lack a lover, the more sensuality and sexuality evaporate. I believe I can only go so long without a muse before I disappear from life.

The "Seven Grandfathers seem mute on the subject. Image borrowed from Google search.