I had a heart to heart, well about 90% of one with my younger brother. He has recently been diagnosed with autism and mental health issues. He was asking my about my mental health as well, as it turns out our nieces both are also autistic and our mother may be too, also mental health issues run very deep in my family.
I was telling him that I am dealing with a number of things and without going into all of it, I told him how as a kid, our mother always used to call me fat. She told me much later on that she meant it as a joke, but to me it was never a joke. He was angry, when I told him that when I failed my mock exams when I was 16, she told me that she wished I'd never been born. He was utterly furious.
This was the first time I actually talked to him about some of the stuff that had happened. I left home, well, I ran away from home, it had gotten to the point where if I didn't get out alive, I'd get out dead. He didn't blame me for it, he told me that if he been under the same circumstances, he'd have done the same. I told him how our childhood friends hated me for running away, I told him that they only ever saw the interactions from when they'd come over for dinner, they would just turn up and mum and I would be making dinner. They never saw what happened behind the scenes.
When my younger brother and I saw each other again, it had been nearly 10 years I think. He told me that I looked composed. I told him that apart from my husband being there for me, I was absolutely terrified. I was nervous that he'd hate me for doing what I did. He never did. At this point, I was starting to tear up (we were messaging back and forth).
My mum has definitely had an undiagnosed mental breakdown in the past, probably multiple times. She had not only been in an arranged marriage (while dad loves her unconditionally, she only recently grew to tolerate him and his family hated her from the get go), she also had multiple miscarriages. She's never been treated for her mental health and refuses to do so now, instead, for her, it's all about religion (which is her choice and I would never disparage her for it). I actually got more support from my in-laws than I did from my mum as a kid. I don't hate my mother. She had a lot to deal with. I just can't forgive her for some of the things she said.
I know this whole thing is rather disjointed, for that I'm sorry. I told my little brother that I have still got a love hate relationship with food, I can't look at myself in a mirror without hating myself. When your mother tells you that she wished you'd never been born, that kinda sticks with you. My self-esteem and confidence was never really there, but then it went out the window. My husband is the sweetest man I know, he tells me I am beautiful and intelligent, but I can't believe it. I don't feel any of it.
Then there is the other 10% that I can't tell him about because...I can't. My husband knows about it, but I will never tell my brother. That's got to be something I have to deal with when I'm ready.
I sometimes think what our family would have been like if we weren't all messed up. It was cathartic talking to said brother but man when I told the hubby about the conversation, I bawled my eyes out.
