The blurb machine

Some time ago I decided to try my hand at writing smut. It’s based on a headspace I created for if I ever wanted to try slave play. I can’t handle being an object as a person…but as a doll, well that is very different. Because I’m a brat it turned out much different than I intended. But most writers know that characters often don’t do what they’re told. Please be gentle with me 😬

He was watching her where she knelt, like a perfect doll, at his feet. She couldn’t see his eyes, her’s being lowered to the ground, but she could feel his gaze as it raked over her skin. Hot and intense as an infernal blaze, he could do much with his eyes alone to have her folding at the knees. He rarely had to ask or command her to do so anymore, a quick cut of his eyes in her direction was usually enough.

When she had first knelt for him it had been a trial. Sore knees and an insatiable need to move often got her into trouble. He had painstakingly trained her, stripping away her humanity until she was the perfect doll who knelt before him now. Her wants were an irrelevant afterthought. What need have she of personal opinions? She existed to be used and displayed and found herself quite happy in her role as his doll…most of the time.

He rose from the chair and her wandering attention snapped back into focus. He was the center of her universe and every move he made affected her to her core. Each breath was his. Each beat of her heart.

His hand settled on her head and his touch, even after all this time sent sparks of pleasure through her nerves. But she showed no sign of the pleasure she felt except the slight blushing of her cheeks.

He tipped her head back, fingers sliding down the line of her jaw to the column of her throat. He moved behind her pulling her back into his legs in a smooth motion that had her head spinning. Her back arched into the motion almost to the point of pain. That pleased him apparently because he pulled a little more. She couldn’t help the gasp that escaped her.

There was a pregnant pause as he seemed to consider whether to strike or show mercy. Her heart pounded in anticipation. He made a “tisk tisk” noise and released her, just roughly enough that she almost fell to the floor.

“Dolls are silent.” He says, taking a few steps away from her. The distance doesn’t make her feel any safer. “But perhaps you don’t want to be a doll today hmm?” His words are a slow dripping threat. A trap laid out for her to trip right into.

She opens her mouth to answer and he moves faster than she can register, pulling her head back with a harsh jerk with the handful of hair he grasped in his fingers.

“Is the little doll dissatisfied with its place? Does it think it has any right at all with which to express itself without my permission?” His tone is sneering, dripping with condescension that has her dripping down her thighs. He rarely breaks like this. He rarely shows his temper, and all it took was a gasp.

There is a moment as she is held there where she contemplates if it’s worth it to push him further. To take a break from being the perfect doll and see his claws and teeth bared for her. She looks him in the eyes, slowly and deliberately. A rule is broken and she sees how it lands, it lights a fire in his eyes she hasn’t seen in a long while. And deep inside her, she knows this was the right choice.

His retribution, when it comes, is a whirlwind. A slap she hears before she feels it.

“You little bitch” he snarls, nearly beside himself with fury. She moans as the pain blossoms across her cheek. It’s been so long since she’s been able to indulge. But each sound she makes winds him up further. Until she finds herself against the wall his fingers wrapped around her throat just tight enough to feel her head spin. She whimpers.

“So,” he says, voice so quiet suddenly that she can barely hear him past her racing heart. “The little doll wants to turn into a real girl?” It’s almost a snarl. She shudders as he kicks her legs apart forcing her onto her tiptoes to avoid strangling herself in his grip. He begins slowly opening his pants.

“We’ll wish granted sweetheart. Let’s see if the pussy of a real girl can satisfy me better than a doll.”

She almost screams as he pushes into her. There is no warning, just a brutal taking as he grins at her savagely. Her eyes roll back into her head. It’s so much that it has her legs shaking. “Sir please!” She begs. And she doesn’t even know what she’s begging for. Mercy or more brutality.

He takes the choice out of her hands and slaps her again before leaning in close. “Does the little slut like making me angry. Does it please her to have me abandon decorum to teach her a lesson?” She makes a mindless sound in response. She cannot possibly think enough to use words. She’s so close to cumming that her body is shaking with it.

He tightens his grip around her throat, growling as he nears his climax. He releases her suddenly and instead of shoving his cock into her mouth or giving her the privilege of cumming inside her he lets her drop to the ground and releases between her legs onto the floor. “Pathetic”

He grabs her hair again and drags her body around until her face hovers over the mess. “Lick it up but don’t swallow it” he orders. Tears run down her face as she does as she’s ordered. Her body thrummed with the denied orgasm. When she has licked it all up he pulls her to her knees. “Kneel there and you dare swallow.” He snarls.

“Look at you. What a fucking mess.” He says with a mocking laugh. “Is this what having a real girl gets me?” She kneels shaking and overwhelmed in ways she hasn’t experienced in far too long. Her body aches with the brutal reminder of her place.”You will stay there until you can remember to be a good doll again or you can stay there forever.” He walks away from her and she settles in for the long wait ahead of her. It had been worth it, she decides, to break out of her shell for just a moment. But she loves being his doll too much to even think of abandoning it. And like a perfect mask, she slips back into place. A toy. A doll on display. Thoughtless, existing only to be used.

Since my birthday is coming up soon I thought I’d have some fun with this too! 

What has been your most memorable birthday so far?

I don’t usually celebrate my birthday but I’d say it was my 25th. I had finally gotten my life together after years of homelessness, followed by years of hard work to get on my feet. I bought myself a Caravel ice cream cake and determined to make a tradition all my own to celebrate. So now I eat one every year  

What’s one lesson you’ve learned this past year?

That I deserve people in my life who want me there  

What’s your favorite way to celebrate your birthday?

As the first question answered, eating an ice cream cake. 

What’s the best gift you’ve ever received?

I haven’t gotten many presents on my birthday but in general my favorite present was a fountain pen. 

What’s your favorite birthday tradition?

lol the ice cream cake 

How do you usually spend your birthday?

getting drunk and trying to eat the entire cake before midnight. 

What’s one thing you’re grateful for this year?

The kindness of the people in my life. Many have stood by me in some of the absolute worst seasons I’ve endured, and for that I’m truly grateful.

What’s one wish you have for your next year?

Id love to not be living in Massachusetts anymore. 

What’s your favorite birthday memory from childhood? My mother made me an ice cream cake covered in so much chocolate, caramel, and butterscotch sauce it was practically swimming. And I got Super Smash Bro’s Brawl. 

How do you feel about turning/leveling up annually?

My stats are slow moving. Perhaps with level up will give me a cool item or something. 

What’s one thing you’ve achieved in the past year?

Quite my toxic job and started one I love. 

What’s a goal you have for the next year?

I don’t have one. I want to see how this year ends before I even think about next year. Once I figure out what the final boss is I’ll decide. 

What’s the best advice you’ve ever received?

“You aren’t ugly. You just aren’t your type” 

What’s one thing you love about your life right now?

The potential adventure coming my way. 

What’s a book you’ve enjoyed reading this past year?

The Tarot Sequence. It’s urban fantasy and so good! 

What’s a movie or TV show you’ve loved recently?

Deadpool 3. Masterpiece! 

What’s your favorite hobby or pastime?

Writing or drawing. Sometimes I play video games. 

Who’s someone you’d love to spend your birthday with but can’t?

I get to spend my bday with someone awesome this year. So I’m pretty content. 

What’s one thing you want to do more of in the coming year? 
Write!! I want to finish or be near finished with a book this year. 

What’s one thing you want to do less of in the coming year?

Eat carbs. I’d like to dabble in more vegetables. 

What’s a place you’d love to visit?

Scotland or Germany. 

What’s your favorite birthday meal?

Mac and Cheese. 

What’s one thing you’d tell your younger self?

Well my younger self probably wouldn't listen to me, but I’d tell her eventually the days do matter again. I’d tell her it’s okay to be tired. 

What’s a piece of wisdom you’ve gained with age?

Everyone has lived through their own hell. Their experience doesn’t invalidate mine. 

What’s your favorite way to spend a free day?

Diving into something i find interesting. If i can get my adhd brain to happily focus on something I think its a day well spent.

What’s something you’re looking forward to in the coming year?
Hopefully having a car. I want to actually go and do stuff without having to consider transportation cost. 

What’s your go-to birthday outfit?

PJ’s. I choose comfort over fashion everyday I can. 

What’s a book or movie you’d recommend to others?

Rose Red! They made a short tv series or a long movies (depending on how you look at it). Favorite haunted house movie ever!
What’s something that makes you happy every day

Coffee! The things I would do for coffee! But also knowing what I do everyday might be changing someone’s life. 

What’s a wish you have for the world?

Kindness. In our quest for acceptance I think we have forgotten kindness. 
What's a new hobby you'd like to try this year? 

I’d like to really hammer down my kitchen skills 

What's a place you feel most at peace? 

I don’t really have a place like that now, but I remember at a kid I loved walking trails in the woods all by myself either at camp or my grandmother’s house. 
What's a song that puts you in a good mood? 

Power of Love by Huey Lewis & The News. 
What's something you'd like to learn more about? 

Homeopathic medicine and natural remedies. 

What do you see…

This is a poem I wrote some time ago. Ive recently been reading some of my old writing and thought it was halfway decent. Thought a few people here might relate to it. ❤️

I am a girl alone

Choking on the smoke of the bridges I burned 

Tripping over the obstacles I laid to keep everyone away

I have trapped myself behind walls.

Walls I once thought protected me but instead they are now my prison.

I am a girl unknown

I slip behind a mirror

let my reflection live in my stead

She plays me very well. 

Sometimes she forgets she's not me

And I forget I'm not her.

I am a girl afraid

Jumping at shadows

In fear of the dark

Afraid of raised voices and quick movements

Afraid of living and dying both

The monsters in my head call me a fool 

And like a fool I believe them 

I am a girl in denial 

I fear the past 

Dread the future 

And spend each day attempting to live like it matters. 

I close my eyes like a child,

 against the demons in my head. 

“If I can’t see them they can’t see me”

As they laugh in my ears whispering my worthlessness into every corner of my mind. 

I am a girl who is lost

Searching for answers 

Grasping at explanations for why my reality can not be.

I stumble through life 

Wasted on fake enthusiasm and breathing in the toxic fumes of cigarettes. 

Each day hoping it will be the last. 

I am a girl who lies

I lie to my friends

I lie to my family 

I smile to their faces 

And cry when I’m alone

I lie about who I am

I am a girl who wants her world to stop spinning. 

I am a girl who wants peace

I am a girl…

Today I find myself in the mood to be reverent. It’s not something I usually go for but I have the deep urge in my bones to declare myself as owned. I want to kneel and look up at someone as my world, with all the reverence and deep ardent affection my heart is capable of. I want to make a dom blush with the intensity of my desire for them and feel in that moment that they own my very soul. Alas there is no one for me to do this for, which has turned the desire into an ache, but I hope one day I can look up and realize I am safe in somones heart. 

Lately I’ve been struggling between what I believe and what I want. It’s confusing because sometimes I'm not even sure what I believe. Is it wrong to give up what I could have because of a something I believe in..but that I’m still unsure of? I feel like I’ve broken bonds and ruined relationships because I am so conflicted. How do I deal with what my heart desires and what my conscience tells me is the right thing to do? I feel like I am being pulled in two different directions and I need direction or I’ll be ripped in two. I’m tired of thinking. I want to just let someone have control, but I also feel wrong for wanting and needing that. I'm so confused. 

Who was gonna tell me that women are so fantastic? Like I knew (I’m a woman)…but damn. I need to reevaluate some things about myself! 

That’s it. That’s the blog. 

This art piece came about during interactions with three fascinating people I met on here. Their story and relationship was so beautiful and inspiring and this art was born from what I saw. It has evolved much from when the first line was drawn to the now completed piece. If I were ever to find a dynamic or relationship with another human, much less two, with any measure of the patience, understanding, and commitment they have with each other, I would feel truly blessed.  

So I mention it in my profile but I used to be on this site under a different username. I left partly for my mental health but also partly because I had a fairly public mental breakdown…embarrassing Ik. Coming back has been strange. I knew a lot of people when I was here before and now they don’t know me. I’ve not decided If I should openly identify myself to them or not. Part of me loves the anonymity that comes from being unknown. But when they comment, like, or engage with me in any way I feel a sort of guilt for pretending not to know them. I hate the idea of being associated with the person I used to be, and I’m not even sure If I’m any different. 

Just a reflection I suppose. 🤷🏻‍♀️