Last year, on my birthday, my ex and I got back together. We lasted for a month and finally decided to call it quits for good. The door is open on his side, but I cannot bring myself to go back again. I outgrew the dynamic. We talk from time to time. He messaged me recently to tell me that he cares about me, words I never thought I'd ever hear coming from that man. I declined a "catch-up" chat because that is a trap, and I am still grieving. I'm not grieving our relationship, but I am tired of being forced to let go of yet another dream that seemed perfect at first. I badly wanted something amazing to happen to me, but it was never going to happen with him.
That month was a very nice month. In the time between our second-last breakup and the month we were on again, I did a lot of work on myself. I hated myself so much before, and I wanted to be better. In the end, I had tried so hard to grow for our relationship, but I was the only one who had grown. When we got back together, he was a bit softer and opened up more. He was not going to be a long-term partner, though. He was only there for a specific purpose, and that purpose has been fulfilled. I cherish every minute that I got to spend with him, and accept that going our separate ways was the best thing for both of us. He told me from the beginning that he doesn't do vanilla relationships. As much as he kept bringing up the idea of being together long-term, his actions indicated otherwise.
What I love about this relationship is that I didn't feel like it was my fault or that I was undesirable. He treated me like he treated any other sub. I've seen that man get the perfect woman for him, or a woman who may not necessarily be his type but is extremely conventionally attractive, and he still lets them go. He never treated me any differently from how he treated them, and that is a relief. I was not entirely his type, but I was close. I loved that he always chose to be an individual. I'm mentioning this because he had a very specific type, and people with this type often harbour a lot of hate towards women do not fit that type, but he didn't. I never felt like he hated me because of who I am, but I've always gotten the sense that he just didn't want to be trapped in a relationship. He did grow in other ways.
I spent those months, before we got back together, trying to witchcraft, pray, and manifest us into our most fulfilling lives together. He gets a girlfriend/live-in sub after years of being single and breaks up with this girlfriend. He then moves back to his favorite city after 10 years of being away and gets a better-paying job than he had in his home town. I am sure that it was a coincidence, but I give him so much credit for inspiring me, I would like to take some credit, too. His life changes are mostly due to his own determination and resourcefulness, but I'd like to think that I somehow inspired something. It became clear that the most fulfilling lives we could live are apart.
I wish I could inspire myself and pull myself out of a hole just like he did, lol. I miss who I was when I was with him. I miss how the world felt less scary and less overwhelming. I miss believing that anything was possible if I could just get through the disabling effects of being neurodivergent, but that did not happen. I now feel more hopeless than ever. I finally became an atheist last year and am experiencing a very interesting, intense grief. I was angry and depressed. I felt stuck. Then, this year, my dog died (and a family friend), and I spiraled a bit. However, I still felt different.
I remember, over a year ago, telling this man the craziest thoughts I had when I was anxious and how ridiculously easy it was for me to get into these terrifying spaces. This year, I was supposed to feel more anxious than I've ever been, but I didn't experience the intense fear, paranoia, and nightmares that I used to have. I did experience a little bit of intrusive thoughts and paranoia, but I have had moments in my life when I felt like I was close to taking a "grippy sock vacation," and this was not it. I just had to feel all of the grief and let it go. This week, I was struggling a lot, but then I realised that the last intrusive thoughts I had were gone.
As crazy as that ride was, I had grown a lot from that relationship, and I'll always appreciate it. It had raised my standards and made me believe that there is a perfect relationship out there for me. I learned a lot about myself in that dynamic, and I am clearer about what I want in my life. Despite struggles, I still take one step towards that life. I've made peace with myself in so many ways, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
I am in a very healthy and stable dynamic right now. We've been together for almost 6 months. I probably would not be in this dynamic if it were not for the lessons I learned in my previous dynamic, about myself, life, and relationships. This relationship is not a forever relationship, for many reasons, but it is everything I asked for and everything that I need. My current Master is amazing, understanding, and kind. He actually listens to me when I'm upset, and our conversations during conflict lead to a better understanding and changed behavior from both of us. He keeps me so calm and secure.
That period when I was without a Master, and searching for one, was absolute hell. The experiences that I was having made my ex seem like a saint. I am so proud that I did not go back, no matter how desperate, in pain, or hopeless I was. My current dynamic is proof that when I hold on to my values and boundaries, the right person does come along. It's how I met my ex, how I met my current Master, and hopefully, how I'll meet my forever Dominant one day.