Three things brought me to the Cage.
As someone in feminist spaces, there are a lot of conversations about whether kink is actually safe for women. Personally, I am not too fond of the type of feminism that believes that women are incapable of making good decisions for themselves. I decided to start reading different opinions on kink but I never fully grasped the nuances of it until I started exploring kink.
The second experience was watching a TikTok video advising women to become Findoms as a way to make quick easy money. I needed quick money, so I started researching what being a findom is about because the video didn't go into details. Also, I have always thought that dominatrixes are the most amazing powerful women but mainstream media doesn't do justice when discussing the nuances of being a dom. We only see male doms torturing women in porn. We only see female dommes doing what might be perceived as "scamming" because people cannot fathom why anyone would pay someone to make them write an essay, to insult them, or to financially blackmail them, especially in a patriarchal world where men are shamed for "submitting" to a woman or women are shamed for providing services to men. The more I researched what being a Findom is about, the more I realized how risky it is, not only for the dominatrix but for the potential sub. I knew that I have no ability to be dominant and I am irresponsible, I decided that I never wanted to put anyone through that.
My first experience with kink was even before I started researching the practice, I was in a vanilla online sexual relationship with a man who expressed an interest in kink but came from a conservative country. I tried to explore kink with him but it left me feeling very unsettled. We were not doing it right and were not taking into account the complexities of a kink relationship and how it needed a lot of care. I downloaded kink-based mods on my Sims game and that piqued my interest in kink even more and my desire to try new things.
It's been over two months since I found the Cage and I cannot believe how much time has flown by. This platform is my very first experience with a proper kink community and I love the articles, forum posts, and discussions that occur here. Though, my journey in the two months has been bumpy.
When I started my account I was completely clueless and I was honest about being clueless. I see discussions about new subs being bombarded with messages from Doms and that was my experience. I met very genuine Doms who gave me advice, but a majority of the Doms that I spoke to took advantage of my clueless position. The experience was so overwhelming that I went off the platform for a while, which was a bad idea for so many reasons. For the first month, my telegram was an even bigger dumpster fire that I don't want to speak about.
I eventually found less overwhelming spaces to read about proper BDSM dynamics but it was still so confusing until I returned to the Cage and started reading the discussions in the forums.
I made so many mistakes in my first week on this platform. I didn't know that you're not supposed to enter a dynamic immediately, that you're supposed to get to know your potential Dom. I didn't know that BDSM dynamics were just as binding as vanilla relationships. I didn't know about vetting or contracts. I didn't know the basis of BDSM such as the 4Cs. I relied on my intuition and what I was being told by the men I was chatting to.
This is exactly why I love reading about BDSM as a concept because the resources out there to ensure safety within a dynamic are empowering. Practising BDSM though is still very risky.
It was something instinctive for me to focus on building friendships, especially with more experienced subs. That is why I returned to the Cage. This week there was a blog post that advised just that, which made me feel so validated. I'm not sure if it was the same blog post but there was a post about a female sub on another platform who was engaged in a degradation kink relationship that was bordering emotional abuse. I relate so much. I have been admiring how mature I feel lately and my ability to discern. However, if I had explored kink in a space in time when I was more vulnerable such as my early 20s, I would have gotten myself into so much trouble. My relationships in my 20s were already quite toxic. From from teenage years, at 17, I was groomed multiple times and was involved in relationships bordering abuse and emotionally abusive relationships. I am so happy that I never even thought of exploring kink during those years.
Every interaction and discussion on this platform could mean the difference between someone feeling shame and not knowing when or where to seek support or someone feeling empowered enough to seek support when feeling confused or unsafe.
On my return to the Cage, my inbox was not better but I was, at least, more equipped to handle it. In my first week back, I had Doms speaking to me under false pretenses of friendship but then attempting to manipulate me into a dynamic that I stated that I didn't want. I had to state that I don't want a dom because I already have a dom for people to leave me alone. I also had someone trying to spark unnecessary drama.
I felt stupid because what was I expecting from a site that is centered around sex, then I remembered that consent was one of the basis of a BDSM connection and I also noticed an emphasis on non-sexual connections and boundaries in the conversations within the forum posts. That empowered me to make more informed decisions on how I conduct myself on this site. I also had to be more aware of how I speak to people that I do not lead anyone on. It's something that I am very open about now, that I am strict with my interactions because I do not want to lead anyone on.
There are still corners of this platform that I find to be not conducive and border shaming others. When we are not having nuanced conversations about human behavior, we risk failing those who are vulnerable.
My experiences are fine for me because I am mature enough to handle them, to see and to learn from my mistakes. However, I think about younger people who enter BDSM spaces and might take a longer time to learn how to be healthy. I think about vulnerable people who may struggle with mental illness, who may have unprocessed trauma, or who may come from a cultural background that makes them vulnerable to abuse. There are so many horror stories out there of people being hurt badly because they engaged with someone who was not practicing properly and they were not able to discern the difference between what is healthy and what is harmful.
People say that the sub holds all the power but does the sub know that they have the power, how to yield that power, or how to safely give that power away? When we take into account that we are all conditioned into patriarchal thinking that takes a long time to unlearn, does a sub really have power? (both men and women can be harmed by patriarchal thinking)
I don't think anyone, dom or sub, should be shamed for not practicing properly, unless their actions are life-threatening in one way or another, including mental health-wise, or if a person is incapable of being self-reflective, even after advice. I do think that empathy is important because a person may be on a rocky journey. A big factor in steering me in the right direction were Doms who saw that I was a mess, gave me advice, and then left me alone, or the dom who is taking the time to know me. I still had the responsibility of taking the advice that I received and doing better. I pray that I will deal with my future interactions with the same level of empathy that I received (Doms deserve empathy too).
Things are still very confusing for me but at least, I am better at navigating through my confusion.
I think doms, whether male or female, have such a big responsibility to ensure that subs are safe and are learning proper safe practices. This is especially true for the male doms who offer to be a "supportive person that you can come to for advice" to new subs or those who offer to "train" subs. On the other hand, subs also have the responsibility to arm themselves with knowledge. But doms, especially those with experience, should not be taking advantage of a sub's inexperience or naivety. I think online spaces are safe-ish to explore kink but I think about how improper practice in real-life play can mean life or death. If you are not listening to someone telling you no in online spaces, are you going to listen to your sub during real-life play? Also, if subs are not learning the proper practices from doms, what does that mean for their next connections when things don't work out with the first dom?
It's so important that everyone, whether dom or domme or male/female sub have a safe space to have these conversations and seek community support when feeling confused or unsafe but with awareness that your words and actions have an impact. Empathy is important in a space that places people in vulnerable positions such as a kink community because safety is dependent on empathy.
