One of the biggest struggles that I have been experiencing within kink is that my first introduction to kink was porn. Porn primarily shows one body type, especially when you are looking for niche content like BDSM. Though I do not believe that media solely influences our mindset, I do believe that it does contribute to insecurities. In the past few months, I developed the worst body image issues that I had ever experienced in my life and I grew up with a mother who hated my body and was very vocal about it.
I had already felt insecure to an extent. From internet conversations on the "ideal woman" to everyday conversations with women around me on how much they hate their bodies (even when they are the standard), it takes a toll on one's mental health. Regardless, I have always managed to be able to maintain healthy beliefs on women's bodies. Seeing bodies that I relate to is important but it is not my only concern. Seeing and celebrating ALL types of bodies is extremely important to me.
I was not doing or experiencing either. Besides consuming media with bodies that do not look like mine, I also was not seeing other body types, and that really altered what I thought was attractive. At the very least, on the days of my lowest self-esteem, I should be able to look at other women and think "OMW she's so gorgeous" but I struggling to do that.
One of the things that I wish I didn't have to stop doing was playing the Sims because, in the Sims, I could create a world where all body types are sexually desired. I knew I had a problem when I downloaded the Sims again and I didn't blink an eye that my current world has only one body type. I also knew that I had a problem when I was looking at a body type that I often find attractive on Tiktok and I did not appreciate the body type like I usually do. That is scary. I am now working on healthier ideas of women's bodies.
Outside of erotic media, merely seeing the type of women who are engaged in or interested in kink through profiles on this platform was quite healing for me. Then I started following a kink educator on Tiktok, Kat Blaque, and she has a mid-size body. I love seeing her passion for BDSM and her body not being centered like in mainstream conversations. She just exists. Kat is important to me beyond body image but she also speaks on politics and her experiences of being a black woman, that is something else that I needed.
Another non-erotic experience, that was quite healing for me, is seeing the new Harley Quinn and Catwoman in the Cape Crusaders series. I'll write about Catwoman in another post. I have always loved Dr. Harleen Quinzel (lol) but I know that will never look like Margot Robbie, so her body was something that I never really thought about until I joined a BDSM chatroom before I found the Cage. The chatroom would share gifs and the gifs were of the stereotypical petite and small-breasted pornstar body and that was already messing with my mind. Quite a few of the subs loved Harley Quinn and had Harley artwork as their profile picture but I had a sense that it wasn't for the same reasons that I loved Harley because the bios would say "I am crazy" or "I'm toxic", which I do relate to that side of Harley to an extent. When I spoke to Doms about Harley, I got the sense that they either loved her for her body or her codependency with the Joker, sometimes envisioning themselves as the Joker. That gave the ick so bad.
I noticed that I started looking at Harley differently after my experiences in that chatroom. I eventually left the chatroom because my mental health was plummeting and I had a heartbreaking experience. I then noticed that my view of Harley Quinn was weird...not like before. Suddenly I wished I looked like Margot Robbie. I even picked up an interest in skin lightening in the past few months, which is insane. I have never felt that way about my skin before. I had to unpack so much that was coming to the surface.
That was until I saw the new Harley Quinn. I love that more girls can see themselves in Dr. Harleen Quinzel, beyond the codependency with the Joker. Also, her new body is amazing. There isn't enough representation of different types of bodies in comics, it is always an ultra-slim but curvy body, which is beautiful but not representative of all women in the real world. It's just tiring that in an imaginary world where people have superpowers, they all have the same bodies, even the male characters. The new characters are still an idealized version of women's bodies but they are a little more realistic images of grown women.
My new Master has been healing me too (without realizing it). We never spoke about bodies and desirability but he has never denigrated another woman to make me feel secure in my body. In fact, he loves all types of bodies. When he sends me videos during play, it's of women who are different sizes. Even on his Fetlife profile, he likes the images of ALL types of women and that feels very genuine. I don't trust a man who has to criticize other women's bodies to make a point about the type of body that he likes.
I was a bit hesitant to join Fetlife because I heard a few stories. I thought it would be a bit overwhelming and I was right, it would have not been a good place for me 6 months ago because it's so much bigger than the Cage. However, I am not a new sub anymore, I know how to handle myself now. I still would not have joined without my Master.
Fetlife reminds me of Facebook but specifically for BDSM. I think it's genius. The best part is the erotic media of all types of bodies. It's amazing seeing, specifically black women (because I am a black woman) of all sizes exploring kink and creating content about it. It's something that you don't really see outside of kink spaces; the freedom and safety to be the object of desire, as a black woman who does not fit mainstream beauty standards.
