trigger warning: Domestic Violence
This is a stream of thoughts because writing helps me process things. This blog might be all over the place, because I am exhausted.
A month or two ago, I had the desire to own a tuxedo cat, I'm not in the space to get one though. It was more of a wish for the future. However, that night, my dogs started barking at something. They never bark during the day, but they were still barking at something the following day. I knew something was up, so I followed my dogs to the corner of the yard where the commotion was apparently happening. I looked up and I saw a tuxedo cat looking at me with a confused face. It was adorable and chubby, I wish I could steal it but I don't have a suitable house for a cat and I would never steal someone's cat.
I haven't seen that cat in over a month but I saw it today. It was too afraid to come to me and I was too distraught to bribe it. I wanted to hug it so badly. I felt a little protected in a moment when I felt unsafe. I don't know what the cat was going to do but it helped me regulate my emotions a bit. It felt like a sign.
The situation at home escalated. I am not going into details but everyone is fine, but it was traumatic, to say the least. I spent the evening talking to police, getting locksmiths and security and crying, then cleaning a lot of blood. I feel so angry that it went this far. I feel angry that I had been pleading with my relative to do something to actually make sure that the man does not return to the house. She was relaxed and I tried to be relaxed. Then today I had to save her. What if I was not here to save her?
I constantly scream "I told you so" and I feel like such a B**** for saying that.
I don't understand what is going on. I begged for a real solution. I begged for the person to be put in jail a week ago. I begged for the locks to be changed. She tells me that changing locks is expensive but she had all the connections to have it done with free labour and get locks at a discounted rate and now we spent double the amount. I thought I understood domestic violence from a theoretical point of view but it feels like it all got thrown out the window in my mind. I find myself frustrated with experiencing this situation and the feeling of powerlessness. I question whether she enjoys the drama. It's such a horrible thought. I know that there is a lot of past trauma influencing current decisions but I still hate her for constantly protecting this man. That is also such a horrible thought.
She is the most hyper-vigilant person I know when it comes to the world, I don't understand why she is nonchalant about someone who is trying to hurt her. Someone who has hurt her badly multiple times.
I feel angry at the abuser too. I feel sad that I am watching someone spiral to the point of ruining his life but I am terrified of where this will end if there are no consequences. I hate him for forcing us to make these decisions. I feel sad at the consequences that they are forcing us to enforce but we have no choice. I also wonder if there will be consequences at all or will the victim have empathy again. I just want this to end without any loss of life.
The worst has passed but I still fear that it can get worse. I am tired of thinking positively, I have no control over anything and it is terrifying. I feel guilty that I am making this about myself.
I am always looking out for my mental health. A friend who I haven't spoken to in months messaged me today. I told her what happened and she is organising trauma counselling from our spiritual community. I've been steering clear of my spiritual community. However, my friend and I have always done undercover missions to help people like me as much as possible. People who are not in good standing with our community. It's interesting being a recipient of that help.
I used to advocate so much for my community to have counsellors. They used to be anti-therapy, even though we have psychology professionals in our organization. I also used to get backhanded comments when I was a psychology student. I don't think I'm the reason they have counsellors though. After the events of lockdown, the 2021 riots in our country and protests within the community for an inclusive and safer environment, the community finally realised that we are not immune to the ills of the world. It feels so surreal that they taking access to counselling seriously now.
I am definitely getting a long-term therapist next year though.
Something she said gave me a flashback of another incident where someone put their life in my hands. It happened a few years ago but somehow I still cry about it sometimes, even though the person is alive, good and married, they have a good life. I am still stuck in that moment, beating myself for every little mistake I made. I spoke about it for years in therapy and it never really helped beyond managing the thoughts. I wonder what effect this situation is going to have on me, I'm so glad that I have resources because I don't think that I can process this on my own.
It's 5:30 AM right now and I need to go sleep but I am so scared to go sleep. I am so tired. There is no threat right now but there is the fear of the possibility of something going wrong.
I had already told myself that I was taking a break from kink, but now I will be definitely taking a break from kink. I don't know who I am right now and I feel so vulnerable. It's more than the events of last night that are making me take a break but last night confirmed that I need time out to figure out myself again. As much as I so badly want a Daddy to make me feel safe and tell me to sleep, I would not feel good burdening someone with a traumatised version of me. Also, traumatised people are terrible at picking partners.
I think I want to take a break from the Cage but I love having some kind of community.
