You know how they say to be careful what you wish for? I'm half joking with this but I left my bedding in water longer than I should and it had an odour when I hung it up, even after I tried rewashing it multiple times. It's been windy and that helps in the drying process. However, I thought to myself that since it's still summer and braais (barbeques) are still a thing, maybe a neighbour will start a braai and the smoke will latch onto my bedding and neutralise the odour. I woke up from a nap this afternoon and the whole neighbourhood was filled with smoke because a building nearby was burning. Everyone is safe though. lol. Anyway.
My desire to belong is so strong that I constantly ignore red flags. I often try to manage my feelings by staying away from cliques. I don't have the type of personality to chameleon my way into established groups within a community, I always stay in the fringes. From my observations, communities are often made up of a core group, these are people who may be founding members of the group or have been around for a long time. Then are people on the fringes such as new people or people who do not fit in for some reason. The core group may also just be recognizable people in a community.
When I like a community, and it is a small community, the rules for myself are not to date/or get involved in a way that will potentially hurt me with someone from the core group of a community and to be in good standing with the core community. When I was with my spiritual community, I had so many fights and disagreements with people and it never really mattered. We either became best friends afterwards or just coexisted. Conflict can be natural. When I felt hurt by the core group, the rejection stung more than anything. I am experiencing something similar in my kink journey with the chatroom that I keep frequenting.
Before I entered my current dynamic, I was going to join another poly-dynamic. I had sent out a notice on my profile that I am looking for a Dom and a few Doms responded. I chose one that was a red flag from the get-go, he has the Joker as his profile pic and he refers to himself as the Devil but he has a personality and that is what attracted me to him. I never paid attention to the main chatroom and I didn't realise that he was a recognizable figure in the group because he was always there. From what he tells me, he was an outcast for a while but from what I see, he has become part of the core group by having subs who are part of the core group. His subs are the most popular subs in the chatroom, there are multiple ranking systems on that platform.
I usually would not put myself in this situation because I know how it would end up. When he ended things with me, his excuse was that the other women were not feeling a family vibe from me. I just met them, ofcause they would not feel a family vibe from me. He spent the week telling me that I was going to be a perfect addition to his group and making plans for all sorts of activities that we would do together. I just go with the flow. I tried very hard to interact with the other subs, I would greet every morning and I would send them messages when he asked me to. I do not think that the subs are the reason why I did not fit in the dynamic.
I think the real reason was that he was not attracted to me because when we had a play session two nights prior, he did not want to see my body after I sent him pictures and videos of myself. The next day, I tried to get to know him better, asking him where in the USA he was from, Michigan. I tried to have a conversation about the interesting things that I have learnt about the USA. Through my interactions with people in kink, I learnt that there is a region in the USA called the Midwest. I also tried to mention how close-knit the East-Coast/Atlantic states are, because American media dominates popular culture, I hear of states and cities in movies and series, on social media and in books but it's interesting to be able to put it all into perspective.
I was struggling to make sense of my thoughts and I was sorting my thoughts out as I was talking, but the fact the conversation felt forced was an indicator to me that I was going to struggle in this dynamic. He fell silent after I spoke about how when one thinks of American cooking, one thinks of Southern cooking such as fried chicken, cornbread, mac and cheese, potato salad, collard greens etc., or fast food like burgers and there is American Mexican food such as tacos, guacamole and quesadillas. I didn't mention this but I want to add how mainstream Italian food is mostly American Italian food. I might have made the mistake of saying that Midwest cooking that I've seen so far feels like convenience cooking, like taking whatever is in the house and making a meal. If the person engaged in a conversation with me, I would continue that I really appreciated it because mainstream conversations on food in the USA are very out of touch. That can of soup is not going to kill you.
I once had a debate with my previous Dom ( The one I keep talking about, let's call him M) on canned food and my stance was canned food is still very important, especially in the USA where there are food deserts. Also, in many places around the world where people experience poverty, preserved food is still very helpful. Fruit and veg are readily available in every corner of South Africa but not everyone can afford the amount of fruit and veg that is needed to consistently make a good meal for an entire family, or may not have the time to chop vegetables, because of Apartheid spatial planning, a majority of South Africans live far away from their places of work and spend a large part of their day and salary commuting to work and back. Apartheid spatial planning not only means that people do not have time for things like gardening, but that people of lower income, mostly people of colour, do not have the space or fertile land to have a vegetable garden. I know, I used to be in close proximity to projects that are trying to find a solution to the lack of gardens in marginalised areas.
When I see Midwestern Americans with that can of Campbell soup, it makes my heart happy. It's a breath of fresh air from the food fear-mongering that occurs within mainstream conversations that are dominated by Americans. Firstly, I am always surprised that Campbell's is still being sold. For a non-America, one's exposure to Campbell's is through the famous pop art painting by Andy Warhol, I always thought that it was a vintage brand that didn't exist anymore until I saw it on Tiktok. Midwestern cooking feels so familiar and homely to me.
I saw a girl with scurvy on TikTok and there was a conversation on how scurvy is on the rise in the USA because of food deserts and the cost of living crisis experienced worldwide. One of the ways to prevent scurvy is to have fresh fruit and vegetables, it doesn't matter if it is fresh, canned or frozen. Sure, the nutrients that you get from preserved food are not perfect but it is not useless either. There has been this push for perfection in health conversations over the past 20 years that is incredibly unattainable for the average person. I want to write more about this in another blog.
It makes me sad when the only thing that a person knows about South Africa is load-shedding or crime. I am not against people talking about the problems but it's unsettling when it is used to villainise my people and when it's the only thing that a person can talk about. That is what happened with this Dom, that was the second red flag. When he found out that I was South African, he asked me about load-shedding because he heard of it on an episode of 90-day Fiance. That show is already a hot mess and I do remember that couple he was talking and I have so many opinions that will just piss people off, so I keep my thoughts to myself.
I've learnt things from 90 Day Fiance but I noticed commentary from the audience of that show has a tendency to villainize developing countries, the people and their cultures and I will write more about this in another blog. You can still learn a lot about a country from that show, beyond the problems of a country. I've been ignorant too, one of the featured couples on 90 Day-fiance, the woman gave up her yoga studio to move to the USA. I never really thought about yoga in the Caribbean, even though there is a large population of people of South Asian descent because of history.
After I told this Dom that load shedding had been fixed (temporarily), he proceeded to speak about crime and then he repeatedly asked me if I was safe. That is very weird (THAT IS A MICROAGGRESSION). I don't think that I am any less safe than an American is in their own country. I consume American news and I get exhausted from American news because there is always a tragedy happening. I will still never make that the core of my conversation with an American person. Even when I do speak about American issues, it is to defend marginalized Americans. People are so much more than the problems of their country.
I don't expect a person to know everything about South Africa but I appreciate when a person to empathetic, socially aware and makes an effort. One of my favourite conversations was with a Dom that I met in the Cage, who was in tune with the fact that racism is an issue in South Africa without me having to say anything about it. I was telling him about how people are not happy with the name change of my home city. The name isn't even in my native language but I respect it because there isn't enough indigenous (Khoi-san) representation in this country and it is causing tension. Another conversation, that I also had on the Cage was a Dom who asked me about the three capital cities that we have, lol. That is such an obscure fact.
My current Dom, who I met in the dodgy chatroom (he is such a light in that place), has actually stepped foot in South Africa. He visits for business trips. In one of the first conversations that we had, he criticised Apartheid sympathisers. I never told him how much it meant to me. He also knows what Maas is. I call maas fermented milk but it's similar to buttermilk. We also have buttermilk in stores, so I assume that maas is different. Maas is sold in bigger quantities than buttermilk. It's mostly similar to yoghurt but it's not as smooth as yoghurt. The fact that he likes it made me want to cry. It's one of my favourite things ever.
There are other issues that I had with that other Dom. He asked me if I did raceplay and I declined. I now think that he only wanted me for raceplay. He also wanted me to move to the USA but I don't think that I can do anything more than visit in the next 10 years. At the same time, even visiting America requires sacrifices from me that I can only do for the right person. I am writing about that in another post. I have a lot of thoughts but I have been too overwhelmed to write. The men I've met who speak about me visiting, seem to underestimate how tough it is to enter the USA. A friend of mine got rejected for a visa because she could not prove that she would go home due to the fact that she didn't have stable residence, and she needed the visa for a cruise job. Don't get me started on how expensive it is because of the exchange rate.
This man also shared a borderline racist joke. The sub that I met is Indigenous American, she asked me how many languages I speak and I told them English and my Native language, isiXhosa. IsiXhosa is the language that they based the language of Wakanda on in Marvel's Black Panther. The next day, he tells me and his sub a joke that starts with, "Since you're both Indigenous American". Huh? I was incredibly confused. There are people outside of the USA who identify as Native or Indigenous to their countries. The joke got weirder and I am too exhausted of thinking. I don't want to read into things anymore. If she laughed at the joke, then I am not going to say anything,
When we fell silent after I said what I said about Midwestern cooking, I felt stupid because I was not really sure about the thoughts that I was sharing. He sent messages to our group chat and still ignored me throughout the night. I messaged him the next morning and he didn't apologize. I gave one-word answers because I was not sure of myself or of my mind. He then said he wanted to talk and gave me this excuse of me not getting along with the other subs, who I had been nothing but polite to. I totally understand, those women have been friends for a long time. This is something that he should have thought about before including me in the dynamic, it feels even worse that they kept telling me how much of a good match I was up until that day. I think he just wanted to avoid conflict and did not have the guts, to be honest with me. It would have hurt less if he told me that I was rude to him or that we were incompatible.
This felt like a knife to my heart. I felt like I was a teenage girl again, being rejected from my all-female groups or experience passive-aggressive behaviour and covet bullying. Last year, I reconnected with a former best friend of mine she didn't know that I came from a political family but my most prominent memory of her is of her telling me to shut up and calling me self-centred, so I always waited for questions before telling anyone anything about myself for the longest time. I learnt to feel safe again in my 20s. Now I have good female friendships again. I am still pretty apprehensive though. With most people, I listen, and they feel safe around me but I feel exhausted and isolated by the lack of exchange of energy.
Men come and go, but you are kind of taught that you should have some sort of camaraderie with other women and if you don't, then there is something wrong with you. Women are supposed to be a sisterhood. It's an unrealistic standard to place on women though, even I, have not always been warm to other women or protected them. What goes around comes around. Even with this realisation, I still feel hurt that these women, who I've barely interacted with, did not give me a chance. I know that narrative is probably not true but it is stuck in my mind. It made me feel so unsafe in the chatroom. The subs are part of the core group of the chatroom, they dominate that chat.
One thing that we spoke about was public play, his fantasy is to put his subs on display and I was hoping that it would bring me out of my comfort zone. I hate seeing them doing their public play in the main chat. I also think about how the need to fit in is so strong in human beings that even attraction is based on not only how one feels towards their partner but also how their partner influences how people perceive them. I know that I am not everyone's cup of tea and I try to protect myself as much as possible. On my profile, I clearly state that I am a plus-sized black woman and he said that he had no problem with that.
Another thing that I don't speak about anymore is being on the spectrum. It takes me a while to figure out social cues, I can recognise patterns but I cannot reciprocate social cues. I will always feel somewhat awkward. I tried so hard to put myself out there with the other subs. That not being enough feels like a reminder of being defective somehow. He has an autistic nephew that he looks after. I felt sad that I still didn't trust him enough to be honest with him and ask for help with the interactions with the other subs. People have disappointed me so much when it comes to this that I just don't feel safe anymore to speak about it.
I left the chatroom for a cool-off period and to focus on my current dynamic. I still feel insecure though. I know that I did not get rejected from that chatroom but because I didn't receive honesty, I feel like I have to look over my shoulder. One of the things that Dom would tell me about the chatroom is that people gossip about him. I felt I was involved in clique politics and I try to avoid cliques like a plague for this very reason. In 4 to 6 months, the place is going to drastically change again like it always does.
I think about my ending with M and how I was more broken about losing him but I never felt like there was something defective about me. M was always honest with me about who he is, his desires and he believed in me when I did not believe in myself. This one feels like a real punch in the gut. Not because I want the Dom back, but because I betrayed myself so much in that short connection and it brought out so many insecurities in me that I had been trying to work through. As much as he keeps saying that I did nothing wrong, nothing makes sense besides the fact that he is the villain in this story. It was humiliating.
I wish I could allow myself to be angry and scream.
"Why are you leaving me, if I didn't do anything wrong? I don't understand, I thought you liked me."
I feel want to feel safe and protected. I want to feel heard. I also want to belong but not at the expense of my authenticity.