I am hoping that if I write this out, I will feel better about it. I need to finally close this chapter in my mind.
My previous Dom knew the stupidest little carrot to dangle for me to fall for him again but this time it did not work. He showed me a bag of a certain pop-culture significant high-end motorcycle that he doesn't own and I still thought it was the coolest thing ever that he was in close proximity to it. This was as pathetic as the first time we got back together, I broke no contact by showing him the ugly tomatoes my family got from our garden this year, lol.
This time he gave me information about himself and I felt disappointed. He knows me. As much as I was happy that we were talking and that he was opening up to me, I knew that nothing was going to change. We want different things and I was not going to force things again. I finally accepted that we were not meant to be together. That he was just a lesson for me. It is still painful as hell though. I was trying hard not to catch feelings this year but here I am AND IT SUCKS! I want to go back to my nonchalant, detached self.
I am the one who first opened communication a week prior. I wanted to close the chapter by being honest and telling him that he was not a healthy person for me. I never get the opportunity to be honest with people. I have to be honest though, I was still hoping for an apology or a realisation of some sort that I knew was not going to manifest. We had an argument, I stopped responding and a week later, he made contact again. I know. Very toxic. When I told him that I was moving on, I meant it this time.
I've spoken about this before, that even if we had mutual feelings, there are many reasons why we would not work out. I still miss the conversations though. Our conversations gave me life. I am so afraid that I will never experience that type of connection again. I don't want a man like him again but I want a similar connection one day. It is a very rare connection. I don't feel the same when I speak to other Doms. I can still connect to other Doms but it's just not the same. That's okay for me for now. I don't appreciate any Dom that I talk to any less because there aren't fireworks.
One thing that this dynamic has taught me is that I am not being honest with myself about not wanting a long-term dynamic. It made sense when I was still new and figuring things out. Now I am feeling more comfortable within the lifestyle and I want something proper. I have always known that I am using online relationships to fill the loneliness that I am experiencing without the commitment aspect. I am obviously not ready for a committed offline relationship. Online relationships work very well for me. Being a sub is still a big commitment but I love it.
Through kink and online relationships, I meet a diverse range of people that I never thought I would be able to date or befriend and that is crushing for me. Astrologically, it has always been written in my stars that my life partner will come from distant lands. For many reasons, it makes sense that I am having better connections from international connections than local connections. The frustration of not being ready for a long-term relationship is killing me though. To have something I desperately want being so close and yet so unreachable hurts so much. I am learning a lot about myself through these experiences and I am making peace with myself. I still wish I could have experienced this growth with one person instead of being put through quests by the Universe or fate or whatever.
Within the kink community, I love that I have been able to show up as my most authentic self. I have never had that experience before. The experience is not perfect but it is a better experience than I have ever had in my life. I've always known how to stay in my lane and staying in my lane is proving to be rewarding for me. I still tone myself down a lot in some settings but whatever fulfilling experience that I have means so much to me and it is changing my perspective on myself.
Another realisation I had to finally face is that my taste in men is very bad. My commitment issues make me fall for eternal bachelors. I need to let go of the delusion that my affection will change their minds. I need to be with someone who wants the same things as me (I know! It's supposed to be common sense) My ex-Dom was not suitable for a long-term relationship, he established that at the beginning of our dynamic. What I miss is the conversations that we used to have and I am so afraid that I will never find that again. I don't need another man like him but I know that when I am ready for a vanilla commitment, this is the type of connection that I want.
I am in a new dynamic now. When I first spoke to my current Dom, I made the mistake of mentioning that one of his current subs is a former sister-sub of mine. It took me a while to decide to be his sub and I used the excuse that I did not want to impose on that sub's space. Apparently, she doesn't remember me but she said that it was okay, so we are now sister subs again. We haven't interacted though and I appreciate that because I want to focus on my relationship with Dom.
I had to put a boundary with my Dom about comparisons. He kept asking me about this previous Dom and I really did not want to get into it because it has the potential for racial insensitivity because of the type of dynamics that my previous Dom had with his other subs. I also don't want my current Dom to feel as though he is saving me from my previous Dom. I also don't want to be put into a position where I am defending this ex-Dom. I don't know what happened with other subs but I can only speak for my own experiences. I feel like the negative experiences that I have had are being exploited in some way.
I adore my current Dom but I cannot stand a saviour complex. My entire personality is being reduced to my alleged experiences with my ex-Dom. My current Dom is convinced that my choices are influenced by experiences with my ex-Dom and is creating a trauma narrative that does not exist. I did not have the best ending with my ex-Dom but he healed me in so many ways within our relationship. I am pleading with my current Dom to leave this other man in the past. I'm unsure of what is going on with the other sub but this situation is irking me out for many reasons. It feels obsessive and very unhealthy.
I am so proud of myself that I am able to advocate for myself but I find it exhausting. I think he finally gets it. We'll see. Don't get me wrong, my current Dom is amazing and tries his best to be a safe, sane and consensual Dom. He is also a bit conservative. After my situation with my family, I started rethinking the types of dynamics that are good for me. I need stability and my current Dom is promising to give me that. I also need gentleness and my current Dom is giving me that. I very much adore him and he cares about me. I just want to leave the past in the past and focus on him.