Under The Whip

Reflections from the Holy Fire Conference.

A take away from the Master/Slave Relationships as a Spiritual Path class, Presented By Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny

I had the most wonderful time at the Holy Fire Conference. Truly, it was the best way I could have imagined to kick start 2026. I learned so much, and yet the biggest thing I walked away with wasn’t a technique or a protocol, it was the realization that I still have so much room to grow within myself, as a slave, and within my submission.

There are times when my Masters give me a task. Tasks that, honestly, should be simple. Even fun. And before I go any further, I want to be very clear, I do complete the tasks. There is no disobedience there. But what I had never really looked at before was what was happening inside me while I was doing them. The grumbling. The complaining. The quiet judgment that something was mundane, boring, or not intellectually stimulating enough.

My Masters usually laughed it off. They would tell me “too bad, you’re still doing it,” and I would go do it. The task would be completed, and we would move on. I never stopped to ask myself, or them, whether my attitude caused harm. I never even considered that it might. For that lack of awareness, I am deeply upset with myself, and genuinely sorry.

During Raven Kaldera’s first class at Holy Fire, they said something that landed straight in my chest.

“Service should not be performed with grumbling in the heart.” Raven Kaldera

That sentence cracked something open in me. Because the truth is, I do this. And after a lot of reflection, I’m beginning to understand just how harmful it can be.

Serving with a grumbling heart doesn’t just make me appear ungrateful, when service itself is an honor I am privileged to give, it can undermine my Masters’ authority and role in our dynamic. It can chip away at their confidence. It can dull their desire to ask me to serve at all. And the thought of never being asked to serve again? That would be devastating to my heart.

I also realized that when I grumble, I am not serving from a spiritual place of love and devotion. Anyone can perform an action mechanically. Fetch the cup. Fill it. Set it down. Obedience alone can do that. But for me, service has always been about intention. It is about how I prepare the cup, how I fill it, how I carry it. How I present it with grace, how I kiss the rim before setting it into their hands. It is meant to be an act of love. Of beauty. Of devotion.

So why have I been serving with a grumbling heart?

Right now, I don’t have that answer. And yes, that’s disappointing. But I am doing the work to find it. What I do have now is awareness, and that matters. Awareness means I can catch myself. Awareness means I can shift my mindset. Awareness gives me the opportunity to realign my service so that it honors my Masters, my surrender, and myself.

Moving forward, I am choosing to offer my full surrender in service. I am choosing to meet tasks with an open heart, a soft smile, and a willing spirit. I’ve been thinking a lot about how, when my Masters ask me to engage with something that excites them, a book, a show, a video game that doesn’t immediately interest me. I don’t want to just “get through it.” I want to find my way into it. To discover something that genuinely sparks my curiosity. To participate, not just comply.

I don’t want to merely obey. I want to belong in the service. I want to live in it. Ritualize it. Breathe meaning into it. So I am taking Raven’s words deeply to heart, and I will do my best to never serve with a grumbling heart again. 2026 is going to be about growth for me. About stepping forward more fully. About surrendering deeper, softer, and with greater intention. I serve because I get to serve. And that is an honor I never want to forget.

I entered this lifestyle 23 years ago, and whew, I was extremely naïve. Painfully literal. I stepped into the Gorean side of things first, and honestly? I learned almost everything wrong in the beginning. I had no support system, no informed consent, and absolutely no education. I hadn’t done my research, didn’t know the language, and didn’t even know what questions to ask. I was 19, far too trusting, and very much “young and dumb” in the way only experience can fix.

I was told I was never allowed to say no. That as a slave, I was not allowed to have any limits. Whatever a Master said went, whether I was okay with it or not. Safewords? Didn’t even know what those were. Unsurprisingly, that dynamic ended fast.

Because while I choose to be a slave, I also choose self respect, and autonomy. I can submit, surrender, and serve while still having boundaries, limits, and deal breakers. Those things are not opposites, they coexist beautifully.

Zero Limits? Yeah… No.

Over the years, I’ve met a lot of people who are new to the lifestyle, or who simply refuse to do the bare minimum of educating themselves. In my experience, they usually fall into two camps.

• They think they already know everything
• Or they’re just too lazy to care

Most people I’ve met who loudly proclaim they have zero limits are submissive types, but I’ve also run into Dominants who try to bark orders and announce they “don’t allow limits, contracts or safewords.” My response is always the same, I briefly educate them, and then tell them to fuck off. Just in kinder words.

I have zero interest in unsafe behavior!

Here’s the hard truth,

Claiming to have no limits doesn’t make you edgy, fun, attractive or evolved. What it does do is put a giant neon sign over your head that says “Predators Welcome.”

People who think that way are far more likely to be harmed, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and often not in consensual ways at all. Worse? It also signals that you are not a safe person to be in a dynamic with. I don’t want to be friends with people who won’t take the small amount of time it takes to look inward and identify even their most basic boundaries.

Where Things Changed for Me

Everything shifted when I met my Mentor and his lovely girl. For the first time, I felt validated. For the first time, I had a voice. They gave me a starting point and taught me something incredibly important, There are non negotiable, set in stone boundaries that should apply to everyone.

If someone, or something, cannot give consent, it is a hard limit. Period.

• Children
• Animals
• The deceased

None of them can consent. Anything involving them is a hard NO. My morality aligns with this completely. The same goes for anything that causes real harm to others (not consensual kink) or involves criminal behavior. Also a hard no.

“But I Don’t Have Limits!”

We all tease people who say that. I’m guilty of it. You probably are too, or will be eventually. It happens. When people complain that we’re “taking it to extremes,” I do that on purpose. Extremes make the point clear. Because guess what? Those same people always have limits.

Can we cut off a body part? No.

Rob a bank? No.

Give up your children for full time service? No.

Hand over every paycheck forever? No.

Okay, let’s go less extreme, I guess. Extreme is subjective, so keep that in mind.

Dark, extreme bruising?

Financial control with a stranger?

Scarification?

Branding?

Forced body modification, piercings or tattoos?

Shaving your head? (It’s just hair, right?)

Changing your religion?

Who to vote for?

Limits exist. **Every single time. **And here’s the most important part, Your hard limits are yours. They require no explanation.

A no is a complete sentence!

Anyone trying to negotiate a hard limit is not someone you should be playing with, because they don’t respect boundaries.

Saying you have no limits does not attract the right people. I don’t care how convinced you are otherwise. If I flipped the script and became a Dominant tomorrow, a submissive claiming zero boundaries would be an immediate hard pass.

Self awareness is attractive.

Healthy boundaries are attractive.

Autonomy and agency are attractive, no matter your role.

The only people genuinely interested in you having no limits are the dangerous ones we don’t want in this community.

Limits Can Evolve, and That’s Great!

Now, let me be very clear, it is okay to revisit limits. You can say, “This has always been a hard limit for me, but I want to try it.” It must be your idea, your choice, and free from coercion. I’ve done this myself. Bastinado was a hard limit for me due to health reasons. One day, I decided I wanted to try it. We did, and learned I can do it on one foot only. Knowledge gained. Limits respected. That’s how it should work.

Why Limits Matter (Beyond Safety)

Limits aren’t just about physical safety. They show that you understand,

Your mental state

Your emotional health

Your triggers

Your body’s physical limitations

It is okay to say, “I usually love this kink, but today my body is operating at a level four, and I just don’t have the capacity.”

That kind of awareness makes you safe, mature, and deeply valuable in this lifestyle. Please, take the time to learn yourself, so others can learn and love you better. Be aware of the risks. Mistakes will happen. That’s life. But you can minimize harm by educating yourself and honoring your boundaries.

It took me eight years in this lifestyle to fully understand that I was allowed to do all of this. Having limits does not make you weak. It does not make you a coward. It does not make you any less of an incredible Dominant or submissive.

If anything, it makes you stronger.

I pride myself on mentoring people in this lifestyle. It is something I hold close to my heart, and I take it seriously. I tend to mentor one on one, quietly, intentionally, and with a lot of care.

I also want to be very clear about one boundary I keep for myself, I don’t mentor Dominants. That isn’t judgment, it is ethics, at least as I understand them. In my world, Dominants should be mentored by other Dominants, and submissives by other submissives. Power deserves to be learned from those who live it from the same side of the slash. But that’s a deeper conversation for another day.

That is my opinion. No, I will not argue it, in the comment section.

Recently, someone asked me what I like to start with when I mentor. What’s the first lesson? What do I teach right out the gate? The honest answer is, it depends. I know how much people hate that response. It is so vague.

Most of my mentoring is tailored specifically to the individual, because no two submissives are the same. I shape conversations, lessons, training ideas, and guidance around the kind of submissive you desire to be. I also say this early and often, I am not an expert. Not even close. Everything I offer is rooted in my lived experience and the education I’ve gathered along the way. I don’t pretend to know everything, and I never want to.

After we talk about consent, autonomy, bodily agency, and your rights as a human being and a submissive, there’s one thing I almost always say next.

Surround yourself with other submissives. As many as you can.

Please don’t make me your only mentor. That’s not healthy, and it is not fair to you. I can only teach what I know. For example, I am not a full time brat, so I would never claim I can fully educate someone on that path. I can offer perspective, sure, but lived experience matters.

Find submissives you admire. Find ones whose energy calls to you. Find ones who submit differently than you do. Each of us carries our own stories, wounds, joys, mistakes, and wisdom.

I like to think of it like a big, infinite buffet table.

Every submissive brings a dish. You get to sit at the table, talk, listen, learn, and taste. You can fill your plate with the things that nourish you, the flavors that feel right in your body and your heart. And the things that don’t resonate? You can simply smile and say, “Thank you,” and leave them for someone else. No guilt. No shame. No judgment!

Always take guidance with a grain of salt. Not everything will apply to you, and that is more than okay. It is healthy. What matters most is that you are happy, your partner is happy, and the dynamic you’ve negotiated together is consensual, informed, and intentional.

You don’t need to submit the way I do. You don’t need to submit the way your friends do. You don’t need to submit the way anyone else thinks you “should.”

You are not them. Your relationship is not theirs.

You are a unique and beautiful person, and that deserves to be celebrated, not corrected. So go to classes. Read books. Devour podcasts. Attend live demos. Ask questions. Listen more than you speak. And when possible, experience things in consensual, risk aware ways. Be informed, be cautious, and be gentle with yourself, because yes, sometimes shit happens, and sometimes we get hurt. Growth isn’t sterile. Learning isn’t always pretty.

But you are allowed to learn. You are allowed to explore. And you are allowed to become the submissive that feels most true to you.

Shared spaces in the kink community are a privilege, not a right.

They exist so we can come together, across dynamics, identities, structures, and lived experiences, to learn, connect, support, laugh, vent, heal, and sometimes just breathe in the presence of people who get it. These spaces are not created so someone can show up, scan the room, decide they don’t approve of the people in it, and then take that judgment elsewhere to belittle, mock, or publicly berate them online.

That behavior is unacceptable. Full stop.

If you attend a shared space and see people living their lives, practicing their dynamics, or expressing their submission or Dominance differently than you do, that does not give you permission to attack them. Just because something isn’t your way does not make it wrong. It simply makes it different.

Here’s the part some people seem to struggle with: no one else’s dynamic affects yours if you are not part of it. Their relationship does not weaken yours. Their structure does not invalidate yours. Their expression does not diminish your authority, submission, devotion, or identity in any way.

And if you claim that someone else’s dynamic “influences” you? That is not their problem. That is a you problem.

Shared spaces are not echo chambers meant to mirror your personal beliefs. They are community spaces. That means diversity. That means differences. That means seeing people who don’t do things the way you do, and learning to sit with that without lashing out.

Let me be extremely clear about my own boundaries.

People who show up to shared spaces, observe others, and then choose to judge, ridicule, or attack them, publicly or privately, are not welcome in any space I host. Ever!

The spaces I create are protected intentionally. I consider it a sacred duty to safeguard the people in our community, especially those who are vulnerable, learning, healing, or finding their voice. My responsibility is not to appease closed minded individuals. My responsibility is to maintain spaces that are safe, respectful, and free from judgment and harassment.

If you are so rigid in your thinking that you cannot coexist with people who practice kink, power exchange, or relationships differently than you do, then the work is yours to do. Maturity means recognizing that your way is not the only way. Growth means educating yourself instead of attacking others. Wisdom means understanding that community requires tolerance, humility, and respect.

This community is wide. It is layered. It is complex. And it is not built to cater to anyone’s ego.

So here is my firm and final stance, If you cannot show up with respect, openness, and basic human decency, you do not belong in my spaces. I will always choose to protect my community over indulging judgment, cruelty, or intellectual laziness.

We are not required to be the same.

We are required to be respectful.

And that is a boundary I will continue to enforce, without apology.

A Conversation Worth Having

A few weeks ago, a friend and I were talking about something we saw on a BDSM/kink forum. An 18 year old had joined and posted an introduction listing practically every kink and fetish from A–Z.

At first, my reaction was simply, “Everyone starts somewhere.” New people are allowed to be excited, curious, and unsure. That’s part of the journey.

But both of us still felt a tug of concern. At that age, most people haven’t had the time or experience to research all those areas, let alone understand the safety, consent education, or nuance behind them. Frenzy is a real thing as well.

Then we saw the replies.

Not from peers close to her age, but from men 30, 40, even 50 years older, immediately flirting, trying to “guide” her, or pulling for her attention. Instant red flags. Instant predatory energy.

And let me be clear: I am not shaming age gaps. Preferences exist on all sides. Consensual relationships with age differences can absolutely be healthy.

But what raised concern was the pattern something many of us have seen too often. When I came into the lifestyle at 19, the men interested in me were rarely my age. And I didn’t know better yet. Looking back, I wish I’d had someone to teach me safely, to protect me, and to tell me what red flags I wasn’t old enough to recognize.

A quote I once heard in a class came back to me,

“My existence does not represent a hardship for you.” - Miki_Rei*

That young woman’s presence doesn’t harm me. She isn’t a problem. She isn’t disrupting my kink life or my dynamics. Getting angry at her would be pointless, and honestly unwarranted.

The real issue is the people who wait for newcomers because they know the newcomers don’t yet understand vetting, negotiation, boundaries, informed consent, or what ethical power exchange requires.

And realistically, many brand new 18–19 year olds don’t know those things yet.

That’s exactly why predators target them.

These individuals swoop in under the guise of “teaching” or “guiding,” but the majority are not acting in good faith. Many are manipulative, coercive, or outright abusive. I’m not speaking in generalities, I’m speaking from personal experience. Before meeting my Master Damon, I had more encounters like this than I want to admit, and yes, I fell for a few.

One so bad it left me in debt. The other so bad it left me ina coma for three weeks.

Now, let me also say this, I love men. I love men who are ethical, honorable, grounded, and capable of the dark and delicious intensity that kink can offer. The surrender to such men is intoxicating.

But anyone, man or woman, who uses kink as a hunting ground for inexperienced people is a danger to our community.

And it is not just male Dominants. I’ve seen experienced submissive women manipulate new, eager men who want to learn how to be Dominants. I’ve watched subs play emotional or sexual games with them, use them, then leave them confused or damaged.

For people like this, it is almost a sport,
“Take what I want, ruin fast, vanish clean.”

And yes, that does create hardship for the rest of us.

We’re trying to build a community where kink is understood as consensual, ethical, and empowering. A place where we can be ourselves without being labeled abusive, dangerous, or deviant. A place where we teach the world that BDSM isn’t coercion, it is enthusiastic, informed consent. We cannot build that while allowing this behavior to thrive in the shadows.

It is no surprise communities gatekeep. It is no surprise play parties are intensely vetted. It is no surprise mistakes that should be teachable moments become exile level rumors. People are scared. And they have reason to be.

What we truly need is accountability and community support:
Dominants checking other Dominants when they misuse power
Submissives checking other submissives who manipulate new partners
Doms supporting Doms

Subs supporting subs
Peer groups that uplift, teach, and protect rather than tear down
Mentorship built on ethics, not ego
Preferences aren’t the problem. Age gaps aren’t the problem.
Newcomers aren’t the problem.

Choosing someone because they lack knowledge and are easier to manipulate is not a preference.

It is abuse. And that IS the problem!

One of the weekly tasks my Masters give me is something I’ve actually become super grateful for, a current-events assignment.

Every week I have to choose an up to date topic about something happening in the world. It can be international, national, statewide, local, or even just something I think They’d want to know about. Once I pick the topic, I have to dig for credible sources, news articles, reputable sites, videos from verified stations, and gather everything neatly for Them.

And then comes the fun part.

I have to explain what’s happening, why it’s happening, why it matters, and add my own personal opinion. Yes… They make me think. They make me form opinions. They make me say what I believe and why. And for some reason that just hits a very specific submissive switch inside me, the “yes, make my brain work for You” button.

I’ll be honestt, this is one of the tasks I genuinely love. It keeps me aware of what’s happening around me. It challenges me in ways that aren’t boring or repetitive, like chores can sometimes become. It is creative, and I love knowing that every week I get to show up to our Dom Talk check ins holding something new, researched, polished, and offered like a little intellectual gift at Their feet.

And the best part?

Their other slave has to do it too, and we never tell each other what topic we’re doing. Two months of this so far, and not once have we picked the same thing. I actually look forward to hearing what she brings. I love seeing what she finds relevant, what sparks her passion, what she thinks matters. It feels like we’re learning side by side, offering up different pieces of the world to the same Hands.

There’s something deeply satisfying about a task that trains my obedience and engages my mind. Something that makes me feel useful, intelligent, and connected to Them. Something that leaves me kneeling there with my notes and links and thoughts, hoping They’ll be proud that I paid attention, that I learned, that I brought something meaningful to Them.

I love when my Masters find ways to guide me, that light me up like this, fun, stimulating, and still undeniably submissive. It makes me feel seen.
It makes me feel owned. It makes me feel… good.

And I can’t wait to see what I get to bring Them this week.

My Master Calvin taught his very first class over the weekend, an hour and a half long, and absolutely amazing. We had around thirty - forty people attend, and the response was incredible. So many came up afterward to tell Him how much they learned and how much they appreciated His teaching. I was bursting with pride, standing there knowing that I belong to Him.

I can’t wait for His next class after the new year. Until then, He continues to co host the Master/Dominant Roundtable support group with my other Master, Damon. Together, they also host Little Space Story Time once a month, where they read stories for all of us littles, middles, our caregivers, and anyone else who loves that soft space.

Even with all the chaos in my life, caring for parents with dementia and everything that comes with it, I’m just so deeply grateful to have both of them in my world.
💜💜💜