BunnyBites(sub female){HoK}

Under The Whip

A place where a humble blind service submissive can calm her mind and clear out the corners with her thoughts, opinions, stories, experiences, and tribulations.

Understanding Informed Consent

3 months ago. February 7, 2025 at 4:40 AM

In the beautiful world of BDSM, the concept of consent is paramount. It serves as the cornerstone for safe and enjoyable experiences, allowing all parties involved to explore their desires, limits, and boundaries in a respectful and consensual manner. However, misunderstandings about consent can lead to discomfort and frustration, particularly regarding informed consent the cornerstone of BDSM play.

What is Informed Consent?

Informed consent goes beyond simply agreeing to an activity. It requires that all parties involved have a clear and mutual understanding of what will take place, encompassing all of the dynamics that may arise during a session. This entails not only articulating desires and interests but also discussing limits, safe words, and aftercare preferences. Consent must be an active process, involving ongoing dialogue before, during, and after any BDSM activity.

Negotiation Is Key

Before diving into any scene, it is crucial to engage in thorough negotiations. This is your opportunity to express feelings, limit any potential risks, and discuss boundaries. The idea behind negotiation is to ensure that everything is clear. what will happen, what is acceptable, and what is a hard no.

If you choose not to voice a concern or a limitation during this stage, then it is not a consent violation.

Silence does not imply consent; it can often imply uncertainty, anxiety, or reluctance. Creating a non judgmental space for communication promotes trust and honesty, which are essential in BDSM dynamics.

When you enter into a negotiation, it's also important to consider the emotional and psychological aspects of play. Some activities can bring up unexpected feelings or memories. Discussing potential triggers is an essential part of the process. This is where informed consent truly shines. Both partners can feel secure, knowing that their limits are respected, accepted and understood.

Managing Expectations

One common misconception is that if a participant does not enjoy a certain activity, it constitutes a consent violation. The truth is that experiences vary widely, and not every action will resonate positively with everyone. Sometimes, exploring a fantasy is about the journey rather than the final outcome. If you consensually engage in an activity based on informed discussions and it doesn’t meet expectations, this does not translate to a breach of consent. Rather, it highlights the importance of reflective discussions post-play to understand what worked, what didn’t, and how to evolve for future play.

Empowerment through Communication

As members of the BDSM community, we carry the responsibility to practice clear, honest communication.

If you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, it’s critical to speak up.

At the same time, being a responsible participant means that you should not make assumptions or jump to conclusions regarding another person's experience, especially if they have not voiced those feelings.

In essence, informed consent is about empowerment. It enables individuals to take control of their experiences, understand their boundaries, and ensure that their needs are met while respecting the needs of others. This brief exploration of informed consent is just the beginning; the journey into BDSM should always be a collaborative and consensual adventure, one built on trust, understanding, and mutual respect.

How We Negotiate

Negotiate the kind of scene we will be having.
Talk about Emotional, Mental, Physical ailments for the day.
Talk about the risks that might come out of the scene. Emotional Risks - Share concerns and past experiences that might come up during the scene.
Negotiate toys that will be used. (Once scene starts nothing new will ever be added).
Explain expectations of the scene and what you are hoping to get out of it.
Physical Safety Measures, IE safety sheers, water, first aid kit, etc.
Negotiate Safe words and Non verbal signals.
Negotiate if any sex will be happening during or after the scene.
Negotiate Aftercare

Negotiation is for all participants involved. Each participant is entitled to aftercare, without persecution of judgment and free of guilt.

Aftercare is YOUR responsibility.

It is not the responsibility of the participants playing with you to provide it. It is your responsibility to ensure you get aftercare the way you need it. If the person you are playing with cannot provide said aftercare then it is your responsibility to locate someone that can provide it. This is also something that should be negotiated and consented upon.

So let’s foster a more informed and consensual BDSM community. Speak up, listen, and evolve together. The safety and enjoyment of our experiences depend on our commitment to clear and respectful communication.

I do love you all so much. Please stay informed and stay safe out there with all of your kinky fun.

Aradia Nightshade(other female) - Another well written piece. I don't live a BDSM lifestyle, so my questions may occasionally cause those who do live it to face palm. There are two things I'm wondering about.

The first one is that there are those who get off on fear. Consent is paramount for these people too. So wouldn't discussing the scene in detail take that kink away. Given no real harm is going to come to the person, the dear has to come from somewhere. When I think of what could cause fear in a consent situation is the unknown. Wouldn't it then be appropriate in that particular scene, for those who get off on fear, to not discuss exactly what is going to happen? They would confirm that all hard limits will be respected, soft limits will be pushed very slowly, with ample opportunity to use the safe word or signal, which leaves them safe, but has that element of the unknown to stir up the fear. The toys or items used would still be pre-approved - the fear would come from when or perhaps how those items will be used.

The second thing I am wondering about involves aftercare. Shouldn't the dominant be responsible for the aftercare? It is the responsibility of the sub or slave to communicate their aftercare needs of course. Is my opinion that a dominant should see to the aftercare a strange one? If they cannot or will not meet the aftercare needs of their sub or slave, I question if they deserve the gift of submission in the first place. The only exception I can think of offhand is that if the dominant has a disability that would prevent them from fully providing the aftercare needed. In this case, their responsibility becomes making sure that the sub or slave gets this aftercare from a designated person at the appropriate time. The sub or slave are responsible for community their aftercare needs and keeping the dominant informed if something changes. I suppose the important thing is that the aftercare happens and I understand that my belief that the dominant who led the scene should provide it is an opinion.

This time I won't put my foot in my mouth and mention an inaccessible chat that you cannot join. I think you would be an excellent addition to the chat mind you, if only they made it accessible. As for the two points I am wondering about, I hope I did not word anything offensively. My goal is to share my opinions in a respectful manner unless the post was categorically atrocious, such as involving the abuse of animals or children, or to any living creature who cannot consent. Your post certainly was not atrocious. You are absolutely right that consent is paramount for all parties in a scene - and so is trust.

3 months ago

BunnyBites(sub female){HoK} - To answer your first question. Fear play is a major aspect of my dynamic and kinks and fetishes. So is CnC. So yes you can negotiate for a Consensual Non Consent, but in the long run it is still negotiated before hand. The sub/bottom will always designate what they allow and dont allow in their boundaries. What tools can be used and what can not be used. This can all be done as a blanket negotiation for any and all CnC scenes that involve fear play. Though you did bring about that negotiation about a fear play scene ahead of time does not necessarily take away that fear. They can negotiate their expectations and inform their partners about what they want out of that scene itself. Then once everything is negotiated and the scene starts the Dom/Top is of course in charge and will do whatever they wish to do within the confines of said negotiation. Of course some people prefer scripts and to roleplay it out like a story as well. Scripts dont necessarily work for me however. I prefer to negotiate and then after that whatever happens, happens as long as its within the confines of our agreed negotiations.

To answer your second question. It is in my opinion never a Dom/Tops responsibility to give aftercare. There could be times where they cannot give aftercare because they just dont have the spoons to give that to them. During negotiation if the sub/bottom needs the person they are playing with to provide aftercare and that person says they cannot do that, then clearly they should not be having a session with that person.

It also good to remember not all people that play are Dom/sub. Some are just Tops/bottoms which often will do pick up and play at parties and events. So they might sign up to just play but not stick around the aftercare.

In my personal dynamic my Doms will be the ones to most often give me aftercare and vice versa. However there have been on occasion times where they say we cant sit here for the hour to cuddle we need to just go have alone time, and even I have said my aftercare I need you both to just leave me alone for an hour to watch a show, or play a video game so I can process my feelings. Naturally that is the beauty of BDSM, is that it is very much a personalized journey and it will look different for each and every person.

Though I will never say that it is the Dom/Tops responsibility to ensure the Sub/Bottom has their aftercare secured. It is only their responsibility to maintain safety of play and respecting of negotiation and boundaries set before them. This is why clear communication is key when discussing things with Doms/Tops because sometimes they just cannot provide these things for you. Sometimes you wont be able to provide aftercare to them either and that is perfectly okay. Simply asking if they have a back up aftercare plan is good. Even just checking on them to make sure that their aftercare person or people are available and are there to care for them makes you a good person.

As for the chat, no need to feel any way about it. You had no idea and I greatly appreciate you words of finding me to be beneficial for such a conversation on that platform. As for being offended. I do not get offended so easily and I welcome questions.

Having a dialogue with people is a good thing. Open communication so people can have opinions, their own perspectives opens up for great conversation and learning experiences. So I am thankful you took the time to read this and to comment on it and ask your questions. Means a lot to me.

3 months ago

Aradia Nightshade(other female) - You're welcome - and thank you for sharing some thoughts on the questions I asked. BDSM is a very personal thing, a really intimate thing, and the beauty of it is that dynamics are entirely up to the parties involved, as long as they live the three golden rules, safe, same, consensual. I look forward to reading more of your posts.

3 months ago

BunnyBites(sub female){HoK} - SSC, RACK, PRICK are essential. I do love that it is unique to each dynamic and that you can mold and shape it anyway you desire. That is the beauty of it truly and it makes me happy. I am glad I could answer your questions from my own perspective.

3 months ago

You must be registered and signed in to comment

Register Sign in

BunnyBites​(sub female)​{HoK}

Under The Whip

Understanding Informed Consent

BunnyBites(sub female){HoK}