Disclaimer: This writing was inspired by another's writing, in which they suggested that not remaining friends with an ex, or multiple exes, could be considered a red flag. I wanted to share my perspective on that view. Before diving into the heart of my thoughts, there is one important point I’d like to address.
I consider it a red flag when someone consistently belittles every past relationship they've been a part of without taking responsibility for their own role in any negative behavior.
In the modern dating world there are a number of expectations people place on relationships, often driven by societal norms or personal ideals. One of the most common yet debated aspects of post relationship behavior is whether it is necessary or healthy to remain friends with ex partners. While some may view the decision to not maintain a friendship after a romantic relationship ends as a red flag, this perspective fails to account for the complexity of human emotions, personal growth, and the need for closure.
For those who have experienced the end of a relationship, it is essential to recognize that not all breakups are synonymous with animosity, unresolved issues, or bitterness. Many relationships end on mutual terms. A realization that two people’s needs and desires simply no longer align. So why is it that the idea of staying friends after such a breakup is considered a mark of emotional maturity or healthy closure? The truth is, it's not a universal expectation, and there are valid reasons why someone might choose not to remain in contact with their ex partners after a romantic relationship has ended.
It is easy to assume that an inability to stay friends with an ex signifies unresolved issues, personal flaws, or that a person is somehow incapable of maintaining healthy relationships. However this interpretation oversimplifies what it means to end a relationship. As the majority of relationships end due to mismatched needs or desires. Rather than toxic behavior or betrayal. It is perfectly normal for two people to part ways amicably and without the need to maintain a connection. In these situations, there is no malice, no ill will. There’s simply a realization that life has evolved in such a way that keeping a friendship doesn’t serve either individual’s emotional or personal growth.
When two people come to the conclusion that their relationship has run its course. It is often a result of personal growth and self awareness. If they have reached an understanding that their needs no longer align, there’s little reason to hold on to a friendship that could interfere with their ability to move forward. This is not a red flag. It is an adult response to the evolving nature of human connection.
There is also a significant difference between relationships that end due to natural changes in life and those that end due to abuse, betrayal, or toxicity. For people who have endured toxic relationships, where cheating, manipulation, or other forms of harm were present, the idea of maintaining a friendship with an ex can be emotionally and psychologically detrimental.
In such cases ending the relationship is not only a necessary step toward healing but also a means of safeguarding one's well being. Keeping in touch with an ex partner in these circumstances can often trigger negative emotions or even prevent both parties from moving on and finding peace. It is important to recognize that wanting to distance oneself from someone who has inflicted harm is not an indication of emotional immaturity. Rather it is an act of self care and self preservation.
Healing after a toxic relationship requires space, and sometimes that space means severing ties completely. This isn't a sign that the person doesn’t care for the ex partner. It is a healthy choice to prioritize their own mental and emotional health.
Not staying friends with an ex also reflects a healthy approach to moving on. Life is a journey of personal growth and transformation, and every relationship teaches us something important about ourselves. Once a romantic chapter has ended, i is natural to desire the space to explore new beginnings. Whether in terms of new relationships, personal goals, or self discovery.
Being able to move on without the lingering emotional pull of past relationships is not only a sign of emotional maturity, but it is also an acknowledgment that growth requires the freedom to let go. Holding on to past connections, particularly those tied to romantic history, can hinder progress, preventing an individual from fully embracing new opportunities. When someone chooses not to maintain a friendship with an ex, it is often a reflection of their ability to detach and focus on their own personal development.
The choice to not stay friends with an ex is often rooted in healthy boundaries. Respecting personal space and recognizing when it is time to move on are fundamental aspects of self respect. Relationships romantic or otherwise, require an understanding of each person’s needs and boundaries. For many maintaining a friendship with an ex may simply not be what is best for them, and that is okay.
Establishing boundaries, even with people from the past, is a sign of emotional intelligence. It is a recognition that continuing a relationship in any form romantic, platonic, or otherwise must be mutually beneficial. When an ex partner is no longer part of that equation, it is a choice to honor one's own emotional well being and continue moving forward without unnecessary attachments.
Not being friends with an ex is far from being a red flag. It is, in many cases, a healthy and rational choice that reflects personal growth, an understanding of one’s emotional needs, and the desire to move forward in life. While some relationships end on a bitter note, many others end amicably and with mutual understanding, with both parties recognizing that they have simply grown apart. Similarly when toxic behaviors such as abuse or cheating are involved, cutting ties entirely is often the healthiest choice for both individuals involved.
We should embrace the idea that it is okay to move on from past relationships without the need for continuing contact. Moving forward, establishing new connections, and focusing on personal well being are all signs of emotional maturity and strength. The decision to leave the past behind, rather than holding on to the ghosts of former relationships, is not a reflection of one's inability to care; it is an expression of moving forward with grace, dignity, and self respect.
