I’ve been reflecting a lot lately about the changes in my mindset and feelings towards my role as a slave, especially when it comes to doing domestic chores. It has been a long time since Master Damon and I started this journey together, around nine years ago. Back then, when I would do chores, whether it was something as simple as cleaning the bathroom or doing the dishes, I was beyond happy. There was something deeply fulfilling about it. The fact that he never commanded it of me, but I pretended he did, and it made every action feel like it had meaning. It wasn’t just about the chore itself. It was about serving him, about the pride I felt knowing that I was fulfilling my role.
Over the years something has changed. I don’t quite understand why or how, but I’ve noticed that my feelings towards these tasks have shifted. Sometimes, when I’m doing things like the dishes or vacuuming, I don’t even feel like a slave anymore. It is as though the connection I once had to the tasks, the deep sense of purpose in fulfilling them, has faded. I can’t quite put my finger on when or why this change happened, but I’m struggling with it deeply. It breaks my heart, honestly.
The change has been especially difficult to deal with since I lost my vision. When I do chores, there are often others (Family), who come behind me and point out mistakes, like a missed spot or an incomplete task. Those moments sting, and they make me want to give up on doing the chores altogether. It is hard not to feel disheartened when I try my best, but my efforts aren’t acknowledged in the way I need them to be. When this happens, I often find myself questioning my place in all of this. It makes me feel, for a fleeting moment, like I’m not a slave at all anymore. And that feeling is so painful.
My Master's aren't even at fault. They tell me I do my best and they are proud of me. It still usually does not change my feelings!
Why is that? Why do these tasks, which once brought me joy and a sense of pride, now seem so detached from the connection I once had to my role? I don’t have all the answers, but I know that this struggle is something I need to work through. Maybe it is the frustration of not being able to meet my own expectations due to my vision, or maybe it is the way others' judgments have started to affect me more deeply than I would like to admit. Whatever the reason, it is something I need to confront.
I want to get back to that place where every task, no matter how small, feels like a meaningful act of service. I want to find that pride again, the one that comes with knowing I’m doing something for the person I love and respect so deeply. It is a journey, one I’m still figuring out, but I’m hopeful that by reflecting on these feelings, I can start to work through them and rediscover the joy in the simple acts of serving, even in the face of challenges.
For now, I’ll take it one step at a time. Acknowledging where I am and where I want to be. I know that the bond I have with my Masters is still strong, and I will continue to strive to live in a way that honors that bond. Even if the path feels difficult now, I trust that it will lead me to a place of peace once again.
Advice Is Always Welcome!