You’ve probably heard it before: "You being defensive and hurt in your feelings is a you problem. It is not my job to make you feel better. It is not my job to police your emotions. It is not my responsibility to focus on not offending you." When I first encountered this phrase, many years ago, it took me by surprise. It felt harsh and somewhat dismissive. Yet, after sitting with it and reflecting on what it really meant, I began to understand it in a deeper way. One that’s not about disregarding feelings, but rather about responsibility and self awareness.
This statement highlights an important point: our emotions are ours to manage. It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that someone else is responsible for how we feel. After all, we’re all human, and it is only natural to want others to be considerate of our emotional needs. But when we put all the responsibility for our emotional wellbeing on others, we set ourselves up for disappointment and disconnection.
For me, this phrase has become a reminder to take ownership of my own emotional responses. No one can truly "make" you feel something. Those emotions arise within you based on your thoughts, beliefs, and experiences. This means that if I’m feeling hurt or defensive, I have to ask myself why. What part of this situation triggered something inside me? Is it something I need to work through? Is it a reflection of my own insecurities, past wounds, or unmet needs?
Once I realized that my emotions are mine to manage, I felt a sense of empowerment. It is not about ignoring or suppressing feelings. Far from it. It is about acknowledging them and taking responsibility for how I react. In doing so, I can respond in a way that’s more measured and thoughtful, instead of reacting impulsively from a place of hurt or defensiveness.
Another aspect of this phrase that resonates with me is the reminder that it is not anyone’s job to police my emotions. While it is important for us to support one another emotionally, we cannot rely on others to constantly adjust their behavior or tiptoe around us to prevent us from feeling hurt. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be compassionate or mindful of one another’s feelings. Of course, empathy and understanding are key in any relationship. However, it is also crucial to recognize that each person’s emotional state is something they are ultimately responsible for managing.
For example, if someone says something that I find offensive, it is not their job to immediately apologize or correct themselves. It is my job to process my feelings and, if necessary, communicate my boundaries or concerns in a respectful way. It is about building resilience and learning how to navigate the complexities of our emotions without placing all the weight on the shoulders of others.
In a world where we’re constantly interacting with others and navigating a range of perspectives and personalities, it is easy to feel overwhelmed. We might wish that others would always understand us or act in a way that doesn’t hurt our feelings. But the truth is, we can’t control how others behave or react. What we can control is how we respond. By developing self awareness and emotional intelligence, we can begin to recognize when our reactions are rooted in personal triggers rather than the actions of others.
Being defensive, for instance, is often a knee jerk response that stems from a place of vulnerability. When I feel criticized or judged, my first instinct may be to become defensive. But once I acknowledge that this defensiveness is a reflection of my feelings, not necessarily the other person’s intentions, I can start to approach the situation more calmly and with greater clarity.
Ultimately, I think this phrase points to a deeper journey of personal growth. It encourages me to reflect on my emotional patterns and to take proactive steps in addressing any unresolved issues. It is a reminder that emotional healing is a process that takes time and effort, and it is something that only I can truly undertake for myself.
When I embrace the idea that my emotions are my responsibility, I feel a greater sense of peace and control. It frees me from the constant need for external validation or reassurance. Instead of waiting for someone else to fix how I’m feeling, I can focus on understanding myself better, setting healthier boundaries, and cultivating emotional resilience.
At the end of the day, I’ve come to realize that it is not about being unkind or indifferent to the feelings of others. It is about creating a healthy balance between empathy for others and self respect. When we acknowledge that our emotional state is something we can influence, we empower ourselves to navigate the world more confidently and with greater compassion, for both ourselves and those around us.
What are your thoughts on this idea? Have you had moments where you realized the importance of taking responsibility for your own emotions? I’d love to hear how you approach these situations in your own life.
