Self Scolding – Confess a past mistake in service and speak about how you will improve.
Those who have walked with me know my journey has not always been graceful. I have spoken often of my past, of the challenges I’ve faced in taking things seriously, and the toxic behaviors I once embodied. Like all who walk the path of truth and authenticity, I had to start somewhere, and that beginning was far from perfect.
Even now, I continue to struggle. Pleasing and obedience do not come effortlessly, though I strive daily to embody them. I’ve made progress in managing my temper and addressing my anger. I’ve grown in my ability to communicate, and I deeply value the training, mentorship, and education I’ve received in the lifestyle. I pursue excellence with great intention. But I am still human. I falter. I make mistakes.
Last night was one of those moments.
In a painful surge of anger, stress, and frustration, I lost control. I raised my voice at Master Damon and spoke with aggression. Something that brings me deep regret. I have since offered my sincere apology.
Out of respect for House matters, I will not disclose the content of that discussion. What I will speak to is my behavior. Despite the emotional intensity of the moment, Master Damon remained calm. He did not mirror my anger or raise his voice in response. He met my aggression with composure. Something I failed to do.
Triggers are real. They can be overwhelming. But they are not excuses. They do not permit me to abandon my rules, my protocols, or my commitment to clear and respectful communication, commitments I have made in writing, in contract, and in spirit.
All I can do now is take full accountability. I must reflect on what led to my reaction, understand the emotions that drove it, and store that knowledge with care so I may act differently in the future. I will strive to recognize these emotional surges as they rise, to breathe through them, to request the space to kneel and reflect when needed, and to center myself before speaking.
The truth is simple. The behavior I displayed was unacceptable. It does not reflect the slave I aspire to be.
To my Masters and this House, I make this vow. I will do better. I will work tirelessly to identify and Master my triggers. I will not allow emotional overwhelm to dictate my behavior again. As First Girl of House of Koch, I serve as an example. It is my duty to embody the standards expected of every girl in our House. I take this responsibility seriously, and I will renew my efforts to lead from a place of humility, rather than stress or fear.
To my Masters and their House: I am deeply sorry. Thank you for holding me accountable, and for offering me the space to grow. I am honored to be trusted with the opportunity to correct my course and continue walking this path.
With sincerity,
The First Girl of House of Koch
- Ava