My How to Vet a Dominant or Submissive for a Power Exchange Dynamic
TLDR: There’s no single “right” way to have a kinky dynamic or relationship, what matters most is that it’s built on consent and brings you joy.
The length of a vetting period should feel right to both you and the person you’re vetting (and who is vetting you). For some, that process may take years,for others, it might be just a couple of weeks. As long as you understand the risks, give informed consent, and it truly fulfills you, follow the path that makes you happiest.
Understand What Vetting Really Means
Vetting isn’t about judging someone’s worth as a human, it is about ensuring that your values, boundaries, safety needs, and dynamic expectations are compatible.
It is a process, not a one time test. The goal is to:
Build trust over time
Verify safety and respect
Avoid abuse, manipulation, or mismatched dynamics
Know Your Own Needs Before You Start
Before you vet anyone else, get crystal clear on:
Your role (Dominant, submissive, switch, service based, protocol heavy, etc.)
Your non negotiables (hard limits, must haves)
Your desired dynamic style (24/7 TPE, scene based, long distance, poly/kink friendly, etc.)
Your personal boundaries (privacy, aftercare needs, emotional safety)
You can’t properly assess someone if you don’t know what you’re looking for.
Start With Background Checks (Soft & Hard Vetting)
Soft Vetting – casual, low risk steps:
Read their FetLife or social media posts: Are they consistent, respectful, and reflective of the role they claim?
Look for community involvement: Do they attend munches, workshops, or events?
Pay attention to how they treat everyone, not just people they want something from.
Hard Vetting – deeper verification:
Ask for references from past partners or respected community members.
Confirm they’re not on known predator/abuser watch lists (some communities maintain these).
Check if their stories match over time, liars often contradict themselves.
Ask Deep, Specific Questions
You’re looking for how they think, not just what they say.
Some example questions:
For Vetting a Dominant:
How do you handle consent violations, yours or someone else’s?
How do you approach aftercare?
How do you manage your own emotions when a scene doesn’t go as planned?
What’s your philosophy on discipline and punishment in the dynamic?
How do you ensure a submissive feels safe bringing concerns to you?
What kind of car do you drive?
Describe the room your computer is in, in detail.
For Vetting a Submissive:
What does service or submission mean to you?
How do you handle tasks or rules you dislike?
How do you communicate needs when you’re afraid of disappointing your Dominant?
How do you handle emotional drop after play or discipline?
What’s your experience with limits, and how do you uphold them?
Do you feel safe calling your safeword?
Do you have any references from past Dominants/partners?
Observe Their Behavior Over Time
People can act “perfect” for the first few weeks. Long term patterns tell the truth.
Watch for:
Consistency – Do their actions match their words?
Emotional regulation – Do they handle stress without lashing out?
Respect for limits – Do they push boundaries in small ways to “test” you?
Ego vs. empathy – Is the dynamic about mutual fulfillment, or their personal control trip?
Test Communication & Conflict Resolution
Healthy dynamics need repair skills.
Before committing:
Have a small disagreement or talk about a sensitive subject. See if they listen or get defensive.
Notice if they can own mistakes without shifting blame.
Check if they can negotiate without emotional manipulation (“If you loved me, you’d…” is a red flag).
Check Community Reputation
Quietly ask around in trusted kink circles:
“Have you played with/worked with this person before?”
“What’s your impression of their ethics and follow through?”
“Any safety concerns I should be aware of?”
Do this discreetly and ethically, vetting isn’t gossiping; it is harm prevention.
Start Small & Build Trust Gradually
Begin with low risk interactions: text, phone calls, vanilla coffee dates, non impact play.
Observe how they handle negotiation before a scene.
Look for eagerness to respect your pace instead of rushing into intense play or commitments.
Watch for Red Flags
Immediate warning signs include:
Refusal to respect your limits
Pressure to move faster than you’re comfortable
Badmouthing all ex partners without taking accountability
Avoiding public/community spaces without a good reason
Inconsistent or evasive answers
Trust Your Gut
Your instincts exist for a reason.
If something feels “off,” even if you can’t articulate it, pause, reassess, and slow down.
The right dynamic will not require you to ignore your discomfort.
Final Note:
In BDSM, mutual consent and trust are everything. Vetting is an act of self respect and care for your partner as much as yourself. The time you invest in doing it well could prevent months, or years, of harm.