Why It is Earned, Not Given
One of the things I’ve noticed in the lifestyle is how often people seem surprised that trust isn’t just handed out in a power exchange dynamic. To me, this has always felt strange, because how can trust possibly exist without integrity, honesty, transparency, and consistency? Those things don’t happen overnight. They take time, effort, and lived proof.
And yet, some people act as though a month or two of talking should be enough to “earn” my trust. Honestly, I think a lot of that comes down to entitlement. Some expect that because we’ve exchanged messages or had a few conversations, I should automatically hand over something as precious as my trust. But that’s not how this works. Trust is not free; it is built brick by brick.
On the flip side, I’ve also noticed something darker, some people prey upon newcomers. Fresh faces in the lifestyle are easy targets because they don’t yet know what’s safe, what’s normal, or even what’s acceptable. I know this all too well because I used to be one of them.
When I first entered the lifestyle, I was told I wasn’t allowed to say no, that safewords were unnecessary, and that hard limits didn’t exist. I believed those lies because I didn’t know any better, and I was harmed because of it. That experience left a mark, but it also gave me a drive: to educate, to share, and to make sure others don’t walk blindly into the same traps I once did.
That’s why I write about my experiences and offer my perspective. I don’t claim to know everything, because no one does, but I do know this, if someone comes to me with a question, I will always do my best to offer advice, opinion, and lived experience. And if I don’t have the answer? You bet I’m going to find it. Whether it is attending a class, reading a book, joining an online workshop, or introducing someone to a local munch, I’m committed to helping people find direction and knowledge.
Because here’s the truth, seeking out voices with more experience isn’t wrong, it is wise. If that bothers you, then maybe the issue isn’t with the person seeking guidance. Maybe the issue is with you. A Dominant or submissive who feels threatened when someone they care for seeks education isn’t protecting them. They’re trying to control them.
For me, I’ll always choose to share what I’ve learned, continue my own growth, and stay open to learning more. Because trust? It isn’t built on entitlement. It is built on integrity, honesty, transparency, and consistency, over time. And that’s what makes it real.