Living in service to my Masters is one of the most fulfilling, grounding, and challenging parts of my life. Yet, I would be lying if I said my submission isn’t impacted by the way my nervous system was shaped in childhood.
I live with what’s called fearful avoidant (or disorganized) attachment. That means I deeply desire closeness, intimacy, and connection, especially with my Masters, but at the same time, I carry an equally powerful fear of it. The result is a “push pull” dynamic: sometimes I’m clinging, desperate to please and be reassured; other times I’m pulling away, shutting down, or afraid I’ll be “too much.”
When my attachment wounds get triggered, my service can become inconsistent. One moment, I’m pouring myself into making sure every detail of the household is perfect, feeling deeply connected in my submission. The next, I’m battling fear, shame, and the urge to run. I sometimes question if I am worthy of my Masters’ love or if my imperfections make me unsafe in their eyes.
But the truth is: both parts of me, the one that longs for closeness and the one that fears it, are trying to protect me.
How I Cope in the Moment
These are tools I’m learning to use when the push pull shows up in my submission.
Name what’s happening, I’ll quietly tell myself, “I’m feeling the push pull. Part of me wants closeness, part of me is scared.” Naming it takes away the shame.
Pause before reacting, Instead of snapping, withdrawing, or over apologizing, I give myself a 10–20 minute reset. Sometimes that’s journaling, sometimes it is just taking a walk barefoot to ground myself.
Body based grounding, Because my fear lives in my body, I’ll hum, hold myself, or press my feet firmly into the floor. These little rituals help me remember I’m safe with my Masters right now.
Anchor to the relationship, I ask myself: “Is this fear really about my Masters, or is it an old ghost from my past?” Nine times out of ten, it is the latter.
These practices don’t erase my triggers, but they keep me from letting the fear sabotage my service.
My Healing Pathway
I think of healing as a form of submission to myself, choosing to care for the frightened little one inside me so that I can better serve the people I love.
1. Nervous System Regulation
I’m practicing daily rituals that tell my body, “We’re safe now.” Things like warm baths, wrapping myself in a blanket, or cuddling with a pet. The calmer my body feels, the more freely I can give myself in service.
2. Parts Work & Inner Child Healing
Inside me, there are two voices: the one who longs to kneel at my Masters’ feet, and the one who’s terrified of being hurt. Both are protectors. When I pause to thank them and ask what they need, I find more compassion for myself.
3. Relationship Experiments
My Masters and I work on small, consistent rituals of connection. Whether that’s a daily check in or structured time for service, these steady rhythms slowly rewire my brain to believe closeness is safe.
4. Therapeutic Support
Because my background includes trauma and dissociation, therapy that understands complex trauma is essential. It gives me a safe container to explore these dynamics without flooding my Masters with the weight of my wounds.
5. Becoming My Own Secure Base
I’m practicing a new inner voice that tells me,
“It is okay to want closeness.”
“It is okay to need space.”
“I am safe in this moment.”
This voice steadies me when my attachment fears flare up.
Signs I’m Growing in My Submission
Little by little, I see changes in how I serve and connect.
The swings between clingy and distant are becoming less intense.
I can express what I’m feeling, even if it is messy, instead of shutting down.
I’m learning to repair after conflict, instead of spiraling into shame.
Most importantly, I’m beginning to believe: “I can survive closeness. I can survive distance. I am safe with my Masters. And I am safe with myself.”
Serving while living with fearful avoidant attachment isn’t easy, but it is teaching me that submission is not just about obedience or service. For me, it is also about healing, learning to stay present in vulnerability, and offering my Masters the most authentic version of myself I can.