You’re Choosing to Stay
I’ve been thinking a lot about trauma bonds lately, especially how they show up in D/s and M/s dynamics. It is one of those things that’s uncomfortable to talk about, but necessary if we’re being real with ourselves.
Here’s the truth that I had to face: people aren’t holding you back, you’re choosing to stay.
Yeah, I said it. I’ve been guilty of it myself in the past. I’ve stayed in dynamics that were already falling apart, trying to convince myself that things would get better. I told myself stories like, “They just need time,” or, “They’re struggling, so I should be patient.” But deep down, I knew the connection had changed. I knew they weren’t showing up in the same way, that the structure and energy we agreed to wasn’t there anymore.
And instead of walking away, I stayed.
Not because they forced me to. Not because I was trapped. But because I was afraid. Afraid of being alone, afraid of what their absence would feel like, afraid that if I set boundaries or spoke up, they’d leave.
That’s on me.
It is easy to say “they’re holding me back,” but the truth is, no one is holding you anywhere. You’re choosing to stay in a place that’s hurting you. And I get it, trauma bonding is real. That push and pull, that need for validation from the very person who’s stopped giving it, it messes with your head and heart. But at the end of the day, it’s still your responsibility to recognize it and step away.
When someone stops maintaining the dynamic you both committed to, stops providing consistent connection, communication, or care, that’s a sign. It’s not a cue to chase or cling harder. It is your signal to walk away.
You don’t owe them your loyalty when they’ve stopped honoring the agreement. You don’t owe them your emotional labor. You’re not there to save them from their choices, and they’re not there to save you from yours.
People are only accountable for themselves.
So stop using them as an excuse. Stop saying, “They have no one else,” or “They need me.” That’s not compassion, that’s fear dressed up as purpose.
If you truly want to grow, you have to call yourself out sometimes. You have to recognize when you’re choosing to stay in something that’s no longer healthy, and have the courage to say, “No more.”
Leaving doesn’t mean you failed. It means you finally remembered your worth.