TRIGGER WARNING...TALKING ABOUT CANCER, HOSPICE DOWN BELOG!
I don’t even know where to begin. My heart feels like it has been ripped from my chest, and I’m barely able to breathe through the grief.
For years now, I have been holding my breath, praying, hoping, and watching my dear friend, my chosen sister, fight stage four ovarian cancer. About six months ago, we received what felt like a miracle: she was in remission. My heart soared. I let myself believe. I let myself hope.
But nine weeks later, the cancer came back with a vengeance. It spread to her lungs, filled the lining and fluid of them, and left her body too weak, too fragile to handle more chemo. I listened to her, as she told me, that her strength was fading, as doctors did everything they could to stabilize her, but it was never enough.
Yesterday, the hardest decision was made: she is moving to Hospice. she told me, if the cancer is at least kind, she might have, two months. Two months.
FUCK! Why is life so cruel?
I have spent all day, all night, crying. I barely ate, surviving mostly on junk food, because food has no meaning when my heart is breaking like this. Every ounce of energy has been drained. I have no spoons. I cannot respond to messages, I cannot get out of bed. I cannot be here in any real way right now. My soul feels fractured, and a piece of it is leaving with her.
She chose this path herself, she chose not to fight anymore. And though part of me wants to scream, to beg her to keep going, I support her choice. I respect it. I do not want her to suffer in pain. But losing her, losing her will leave a hole in my heart that I don’t know if I can ever fill.
She asked me to share, one last time, her gratitude to everyone online, who helped with her gift back in May. It eased her body, it eased her mind, and it gave her courage to fight. Please, let that kindness linger in your hearts, as it did in hers.
All I can say now is this, love one another fiercely. Be kind. Cherish the moments you have. We never truly know how much time we are given.
I love you Ves, my sister. I will hold you in my heart every single day.