Under The Whip

A place where a humble blind service submissive can calm her mind and clear out the corners with her thoughts, opinions, stories, experiences, and tribulations.

Sitting In My Anger

4 weeks ago. October 22, 2024 at 4:35 PM

I dont want to write this but I am going to. I am hoping that once I write this it will help me feel better and to move on, and if I still cant then maybe people can offer me advice on how to get through it.

First let me add some context. I have a major issue on letting things go, or moving on from a situation. I dont understand or even know why my brain is like this. Things that have happened years ago still makes me super angry today and even if I dont think about it all the time, when I do, I am still as angry now as if it just happened.

Now I have suffered in the past as a child growing up severe child abuse and neglect. I have been working on healing that part of my life so I can be enough for just myself.

So the point of this post. I have been sitting in my anger. I know it will sound silly when I tell you why. One of my Masters had to fly to visit his mom for ten days. He has some personal matters to attend there during this time. I know, I know it is ridiculous. It is ONLY ten days and I should be grateful that he is returning because other relationships are completely online, or long distance.

I also know Anger is a mask for a different actual emotion.

The issue I am having is I dont know what emotion is being masked. I know he could have cut his trip down to not be so long. This is the Master who is my main caregiver for my disabilities. My other Master is gone four days out of the week for work. Though we will manage because this is a reoccuring trip that happens four times a year.

However tell that to my anger. Tell my anger to be rational. I have explained this to both of my Masters. They know I am angry. They understand it. My anger does NOT and never will get in the way of my service.

As my Master Damon has told me time and time again. I have every right to be angry but I can be angry from my knees in

service.
I have never been more humbled in my life then when my Master Damon has said that to me. It hits home.

So I am angry that he is not here right now. I am angry that he didnt cut his trip short. I am angry that I can snuggle him when I want to. Or give him little bunny bites on his wrist when I am being playful. I am angry that I miss him, and that I feel like I cant breathe when he is not near me.

So yesterday was hard. We dropped him off at the airport. I hate watching him walk away and head behind security where I cant see him anymore. I am always hoping one time he would just turn around and say he changed his mind. Even though I know I have to be selfless and let him go.

My Master Damon did wonders for me. he spent alot of time with me. We had tacos for lunch so I could have some comfort food. We listened to one of our audio books together on the ride home. Instead of having some big dinner that night we just ate cereal in bed and curled up together and watched a tv show.

Not going to lie that was the best coping and care Ive had in a long time since my Master Calvin, aka Mr Big has had to fly back to visit family. So I am extremely grateful.

Today is going well so far. My Master Calvin doesnt have much to do today so we can spend time together in Discord. My Master Damon is off work today so he is also with me and some of our friends in discord hanging out.

It has helped me alot. I just dont want to sit here anymore in anger mode. Fluffy Bunny with her claws and fangs out. I want to be humbled, and sweet, and kind and loving and affectionate.

Writing helps me. Keeping my mind off things helps me, if anyone else has any other ides on how to release this anger or ways they help move past anger. Especially when its not even rational anger, for the love of all things kinky, please help!!!

Max Heathen(other male) - Perception is a tool or a ticking time bomb. From what I'm reading, you are having abandonment struggles that most likely stem from that childhood memories.... so if you will, let us consider some things. We are who we are because of where we've been, what we've done and the shit we've gone through both bad and good. You, both negative aspects and positive aspects, would not be the woman you are without the shit life or blessings you've encountered. Anger comes from fear and frustration. In the above situation I'd consider how many times this Master of whom you speak, has had to leave, yet... He's always returned. When he returns, what is the ritual that you two do to reestablish the bond? Do you not look forward to it? Your perception is in what you do not have in the moment but what do you have that you would not otherwise have if he was there?
Hardship gives us a better sense of relief when the help comes along, it bolsters our gratitude and increases our joy. If one does not experience hardship then they feel neglected, like something is missing and start making life harder on themselves, essentially crying over their spoiled existence, non-appreciative for the effort put in so they might have that comfort that is given to them freely. Ask yourself... do you perceive your situation to be hard? In your hardship, what have learned... what ways have you devised to adapt? Your brain has been forced to think and create... You are focused on loss, angered by the fear, frustration and abandonment, yet... without the hardship, loss and abandonment, you wouldn't be the woman you are today. Your craving to serve would not exist, your choices would have been different and your Masters would have never become part of your life. Be grateful for the abilitity to endure hardship, it hones you into a better version of you.
In that knowledge, with that perception, You can release from your anger and find peace or even happiness... Take time to consider it. Every choice we make, leads us down a specific path that only that choice would have... we always assume a different choice would have made us happier but such things are an illusion of what if. look at the reality and consider it. Alter your perception.

4 weeks ago

BunnyBites(sub female){HoK} - I definitely appreciate and can see that perhaps it is an abandonment trauma response. A lot of the abuse I endured had abandonment in it. That was a huge part of my life. I do know that I go through a huge state of panic attacks on the day we do go pick him up from the airport. We always get there early and I am in tears feeling like he wont be coming down the terminal hall once he gets off the airplane.

So perhaps it is just fear and the trigger from my childhood. I know the reasons he is up there are for good reasons and I know when he isnt busy doing stuff he is with me in discord or on the phone talking to me. He isnt exactly too far away and I can call him even if he is busy.

Eventually he wont have to be traveling anymore because we are moving up there. So that will be easier. As for the hardship I do know that the path I am down and the people in my life have been brought to me because of the things I have gone through and the direction my life has taken. I never think back hoping and wishing I had done something differently. I dont live my life that way. Am I angry about things in my past, yes. Do I regret decisions I have made. Honestly I dont.

Would I have loved to have had a happy normal childhood? Yes but that is out of my control. I can only move forward and make myself as happy as I can be. I have done my best to break the cycle of abuse. I have gone no contact with people who are related to me because of their abuse. I try my best to stay aware of times where I am toxic as well and hold myself accountable for my own actions. It is rough.

Though you have opened my eyes. Not once did I think I was having an abandonment issue trigger. So thank you.

4 weeks ago

Bunnie - I’m gonna suggest a little step further along the abandonment line of thought. Sometimes I think anger can arise when we abandon ourselves. Our fears can definitely lead us to focusing on the other and their behaviours and how we feel unsafe in response to what they do. But oftentimes I think we forget to look at that within ourselves also… how do we behave towards ourself to make ourselves feel unsafe? What behaviours do we practice towards ourselves that could be a form of abandonment… do we ignore our needs? do we step beyond our boundaries to make others happy? do we forget to practice self care?
As a “recovering” people-pleaser, I can tell you, self abandonment is a huge factor. It’s only now that I’m finally beginning to realise that “safety” lays in finding that place where I can meet in that emotional space with another, without abandoning myself to achieve that.

So perhaps something to practice while he’s away, is to sit with the parts that hurt, and ask them what *you* can give them to help them feel safe. You may find that when those parts start to feel heard *by you* the anger may begin to dissipate a bit.

4 weeks ago

BunnyBites(sub female){HoK} - You know what that is a great perspective and advice. I will have to do that and see if that is also the case. I definitely think I am triggered each time he leaves to fly back to see family. I know I have abandonment issues and I do my best to work on them.

I definitely think that abandoning myself is something I should be looking into also. So thank you for your view and perspective here. I will definitely have to sit and do this and see what comes up.

4 weeks ago

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BunnyBites​(sub female){HoK}

Under The Whip

Sitting In My Anger

BunnyBites(sub female){HoK}