I always try to be mindful and understanding when it comes to my Dominants. I say TRY because there are moments where I am so down in the dumps that it doesnt always happen. During these times I tend to lose myself and forget that just because I dont see something, doesnt mean it isnt happening.
I am certain I am not the only one guilty of doing this.
I bring this up because yesterday I was talking with a new Dom friend that joined our discord server. She runs classes on Zoom for Disabled and Kinky people. Anyways she asked me how does my relationship/dynamic work with me serving two Masters. She asked me if we ever get jealous and what not.
YES. Yes we do. We are human. There are moments that we are jealous. Moments we feel inadequate. Moments when we feel that we are never enough, or that our partner values time with the other over us.
I will admit at first it was ROUGH.
There was a lot of fights at first. Damon and I are hot tempered. We both came from families that did not know how to communicate. So a ton of arguments ensued. Calvin actually got us to calm down and learn to communicate better. On top of that Damon had always been in Poly relationships. This is my first experience. I was navigating uncharted waters. So was Calvin. I have moments of feeling guilty for being with another partner instead of Damon. I had moments of feeling not good enough for either one because I was jealous.
I can honestly say that three years later we are in a great place. We communicate our feelings. When we feel insecure about the relationship we now voice those insecurities and we obtain reassurance from each other. Is our dynamic and relationship perfect? No, of course not.
So this brings me to why I wanted to share all of this. I have moments when I feel like my Masters are not present. That I feel that I am left to my own devices. That they do not know what I am doing, where or when or how, but of course they do. I just cannot see them doing it.
This was brought back to my attention the other night. My Master Damon and I were laying in bed snuggling. Instead of watching a show before bed we just talked and shared a few tiktok videos. He made me cry. I promise in a good way.
So a little context I have an eating disorder called ARFID. Or Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder. People with ARFID are extremely selective eaters and sometimes have little interest in eating food. They may eat a limited variety of preferred foods, which can lead to poor growth and poor nutrition.
When I tell you that I never think about eating it is an understatement. It is why one of my rules by my Masters is to make sure I eat at least three times a day. It is hard however becuase NOTHING sounds edible. Smells make me want to vomit. Textures that my brain doesnt like, nope going to vomit. Flavor if it tastes funny, vomit. Sometimes I have to close my eyes and just put it in my mouth chew it fast and swallow.
Take for instance Tacos. I used to LOVE tacos. In fact my ARFID made me love Tacos soooo much I had to have a taco every single day. Then we got a roommate who lived with us and he was heavily into spices. The hotter the better but he didnt have good hygeine so now, the smell of any sort of Taco spices make me want to vomit and it triggers me to the times he would walk by me.
I dont mean to come off mean but that is what happens to me.
So now my Masters have to give me a coping stuffy sprayed in their cologne or other calming scent whenever they cook with Cumin, Garlic, Onions, or any other spices with Peppers.
So now you have a bit of contezt and I am willing to talk more about my eating disorder if people want to know more about it through my DMs.
Anyways back to the main point. As I was talking with my Master Damon and sharing TikToks and earlier that night I was upset. We were having issues finding me something to eat for dinner. Becuase once again,, ARFID, and I feel like a burden because I know they get frustrated. My entire faimly gets frustrated and its not because I am a burden, despite me feeling that way, I know it stems from them feeling helpless to help me.
but my Master Damon made me cry. He showed me some videos on TikTok of a teenage boy who suffers from ARFID. He was sharing tips and tricks that he and his mother use to help him. He showed me that he had all these videos saved. We watched them and I just wanted to curl into his arms bury my face into his chest and just cry.
In my insecurities I coastally feel that my Master Damon doesnt desire me, or want me, or I am never enough for him. I never feel like I am on his mind even though he is texting me all the time at work. I know alot of this stems from my childhood trauma that I am working on.
but I cried so hard because in the background. When I am feeling these things, he can just open up TikTok so easily and reveal that I dont see him thinking about me, but I am on his mind. That something like my eating disorder is something that is on his mind, that he is trying to find a solution to make it better for me.
That he is trying to turn eating into something I can enjoy again, something that doesnt make me sit here crying at every meal because I cannot fathom eating, and I cannot change the fact that I throw up most of what I do eat.
I am NOT bulimic. The vomiting is involuntary. It is just my body.
Anyways I am even crying writing this. It is something I dont always share with people who arent super close to me and do not understand, but I felt brave today. I felt submissive and loving today.
I feel deep and great appreciation for my Master Damon because he always finds a way to humble me without even trying. To remind me that I am his. That I am on his mind. That he loves and cherishes me. That he desire my happiness just as much as his own.
That he cares for me deeply to suffer thousands of videos and articles because he doesn't want me to suffer.
So just remember when you feel like your Dominant is not paying attention to you. That maybe you just arent fully seeing the big picture. That maybe when you think they are absent mindedly playing on their phones they are actually researching ways to benefit you.
Just do me a favor. Reach out to your partners today and just give them a big hug and let them know that everything they do for you. You appreciate and love them for.
I love you my Masters. For everything I know you do, and especially for everything I cannot see that you do for me.
