Under The Whip

Lately, I’ve been watching a few of my friends step into the world of kink with intention. They’re not naïve. They know what they want, what they need, and, most importantly, what they will not tolerate. They ask questions. They set boundaries. They move slowly and thoughtfully. And honestly? I respect the hell out of that.

Which brings me to why I’m writing this.

Recently, I had a conversation with a man who, very clearly, was barking up the wrong tree. I am deeply happy in my not so perfect, very real dynamic with both of my Masters. Still, conversation happened. He identified himself as a Dominant. Naturally, I asked the kinds of questions many of us do: Leather lifestyle? Philosophies like Gorean? Sadist? Experience with power exchange beyond the bedroom?

And that’s when the mask slipped.

He admitted he only lists himself as a Dominant because it is “easier to meet women” and get them into bed. No interest in power exchange. No desire for responsibility, structure, care, or accountability. Just casual sex, wrapped in a stolen title.

I found it disgusting. Predatory. And yes, in my personal opinion, behavior like that edges dangerously close to sexual assault because it relies on deception and exploitation. I told him plainly to never contact me again and to stop lying to people to use them.

Now here’s the part that truly breaks my heart.

As my friend continues her search for a healthy, consensual dynamic, this is all she seems to find. Men who claim dominance but offer nothing beyond “hello… can I see your naked pictures?” Men who apply pressure immediately. Men who vanish the moment boundaries appear. So I have to ask: how did we get here?

Are these men actually Dominants seeking meaningful, ethical power exchange, or are they simply using a title as bait? How has our community fallen so far that this behavior is not only tolerated, but common?

Let me be clear, there is absolutely space in kink for casual sex, fetish play, swingers, and purely physical encounters. That is not the problem. The problem is lying. If you want kink without commitment, say that. Stay in your lane. Do not masquerade as something you are not. Trust me, we can see right through you.

I believe we have a responsibility as a community to uphold standards. Words like Dominant and submissive mean something. When we allow people to misuse them, others get hurt. I wish I had a better solution than quietly keeping my own list of people I refuse to allow at my events, but right now, that’s where I’m at.

So all I can really do is write. And warn.

There are people out there claiming titles they have not earned. Some will say they are Dominant. Others will say they are submissive. And some will use those labels to extract sex, money, labor, attention, or control, without consent or integrity.

Please be mindful. Ask the hard questions. Take your time. If someone pressures you to give more, move faster, or ignore your instincts before you’re ready, see that for what it is.

A massive red flag.

You are allowed to say no thank you. You are allowed to walk away. And you are allowed to demand honesty in a community built on trust.

Stay safe out there.
 

I entered this lifestyle 23 years ago, and whew, I was extremely naïve. Painfully literal. I stepped into the Gorean side of things first, and honestly? I learned almost everything wrong in the beginning. I had no support system, no informed consent, and absolutely no education. I hadn’t done my research, didn’t know the language, and didn’t even know what questions to ask. I was 19, far too trusting, and very much “young and dumb” in the way only experience can fix.

I was told I was never allowed to say no. That as a slave, I was not allowed to have any limits. Whatever a Master said went, whether I was okay with it or not. Safewords? Didn’t even know what those were. Unsurprisingly, that dynamic ended fast.

Because while I choose to be a slave, I also choose self respect, and autonomy. I can submit, surrender, and serve while still having boundaries, limits, and deal breakers. Those things are not opposites, they coexist beautifully.

Zero Limits? Yeah… No.

Over the years, I’ve met a lot of people who are new to the lifestyle, or who simply refuse to do the bare minimum of educating themselves. In my experience, they usually fall into two camps.

• They think they already know everything
• Or they’re just too lazy to care

Most people I’ve met who loudly proclaim they have zero limits are submissive types, but I’ve also run into Dominants who try to bark orders and announce they “don’t allow limits, contracts or safewords.” My response is always the same, I briefly educate them, and then tell them to fuck off. Just in kinder words.

I have zero interest in unsafe behavior!

Here’s the hard truth,

Claiming to have no limits doesn’t make you edgy, fun, attractive or evolved. What it does do is put a giant neon sign over your head that says “Predators Welcome.”

People who think that way are far more likely to be harmed, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and often not in consensual ways at all. Worse? It also signals that you are not a safe person to be in a dynamic with. I don’t want to be friends with people who won’t take the small amount of time it takes to look inward and identify even their most basic boundaries.

Where Things Changed for Me

Everything shifted when I met my Mentor and his lovely girl. For the first time, I felt validated. For the first time, I had a voice. They gave me a starting point and taught me something incredibly important, There are non negotiable, set in stone boundaries that should apply to everyone.

If someone, or something, cannot give consent, it is a hard limit. Period.

• Children
• Animals
• The deceased

None of them can consent. Anything involving them is a hard NO. My morality aligns with this completely. The same goes for anything that causes real harm to others (not consensual kink) or involves criminal behavior. Also a hard no.

“But I Don’t Have Limits!”

We all tease people who say that. I’m guilty of it. You probably are too, or will be eventually. It happens. When people complain that we’re “taking it to extremes,” I do that on purpose. Extremes make the point clear. Because guess what? Those same people always have limits.

Can we cut off a body part? No.

Rob a bank? No.

Give up your children for full time service? No.

Hand over every paycheck forever? No.

Okay, let’s go less extreme, I guess. Extreme is subjective, so keep that in mind.

Dark, extreme bruising?

Financial control with a stranger?

Scarification?

Branding?

Forced body modification, piercings or tattoos?

Shaving your head? (It’s just hair, right?)

Changing your religion?

Who to vote for?

Limits exist. **Every single time. **And here’s the most important part, Your hard limits are yours. They require no explanation.

A no is a complete sentence!

Anyone trying to negotiate a hard limit is not someone you should be playing with, because they don’t respect boundaries.

Saying you have no limits does not attract the right people. I don’t care how convinced you are otherwise. If I flipped the script and became a Dominant tomorrow, a submissive claiming zero boundaries would be an immediate hard pass.

Self awareness is attractive.

Healthy boundaries are attractive.

Autonomy and agency are attractive, no matter your role.

The only people genuinely interested in you having no limits are the dangerous ones we don’t want in this community.

Limits Can Evolve, and That’s Great!

Now, let me be very clear, it is okay to revisit limits. You can say, “This has always been a hard limit for me, but I want to try it.” It must be your idea, your choice, and free from coercion. I’ve done this myself. Bastinado was a hard limit for me due to health reasons. One day, I decided I wanted to try it. We did, and learned I can do it on one foot only. Knowledge gained. Limits respected. That’s how it should work.

Why Limits Matter (Beyond Safety)

Limits aren’t just about physical safety. They show that you understand,

Your mental state

Your emotional health

Your triggers

Your body’s physical limitations

It is okay to say, “I usually love this kink, but today my body is operating at a level four, and I just don’t have the capacity.”

That kind of awareness makes you safe, mature, and deeply valuable in this lifestyle. Please, take the time to learn yourself, so others can learn and love you better. Be aware of the risks. Mistakes will happen. That’s life. But you can minimize harm by educating yourself and honoring your boundaries.

It took me eight years in this lifestyle to fully understand that I was allowed to do all of this. Having limits does not make you weak. It does not make you a coward. It does not make you any less of an incredible Dominant or submissive.

If anything, it makes you stronger.

A Conversation Worth Having

A few weeks ago, a friend and I were talking about something we saw on a BDSM/kink forum. An 18 year old had joined and posted an introduction listing practically every kink and fetish from A–Z.

At first, my reaction was simply, “Everyone starts somewhere.” New people are allowed to be excited, curious, and unsure. That’s part of the journey.

But both of us still felt a tug of concern. At that age, most people haven’t had the time or experience to research all those areas, let alone understand the safety, consent education, or nuance behind them. Frenzy is a real thing as well.

Then we saw the replies.

Not from peers close to her age, but from men 30, 40, even 50 years older, immediately flirting, trying to “guide” her, or pulling for her attention. Instant red flags. Instant predatory energy.

And let me be clear: I am not shaming age gaps. Preferences exist on all sides. Consensual relationships with age differences can absolutely be healthy.

But what raised concern was the pattern something many of us have seen too often. When I came into the lifestyle at 19, the men interested in me were rarely my age. And I didn’t know better yet. Looking back, I wish I’d had someone to teach me safely, to protect me, and to tell me what red flags I wasn’t old enough to recognize.

A quote I once heard in a class came back to me,

“My existence does not represent a hardship for you.” - Miki_Rei*

That young woman’s presence doesn’t harm me. She isn’t a problem. She isn’t disrupting my kink life or my dynamics. Getting angry at her would be pointless, and honestly unwarranted.

The real issue is the people who wait for newcomers because they know the newcomers don’t yet understand vetting, negotiation, boundaries, informed consent, or what ethical power exchange requires.

And realistically, many brand new 18–19 year olds don’t know those things yet.

That’s exactly why predators target them.

These individuals swoop in under the guise of “teaching” or “guiding,” but the majority are not acting in good faith. Many are manipulative, coercive, or outright abusive. I’m not speaking in generalities, I’m speaking from personal experience. Before meeting my Master Damon, I had more encounters like this than I want to admit, and yes, I fell for a few.

One so bad it left me in debt. The other so bad it left me ina coma for three weeks.

Now, let me also say this, I love men. I love men who are ethical, honorable, grounded, and capable of the dark and delicious intensity that kink can offer. The surrender to such men is intoxicating.

But anyone, man or woman, who uses kink as a hunting ground for inexperienced people is a danger to our community.

And it is not just male Dominants. I’ve seen experienced submissive women manipulate new, eager men who want to learn how to be Dominants. I’ve watched subs play emotional or sexual games with them, use them, then leave them confused or damaged.

For people like this, it is almost a sport,
“Take what I want, ruin fast, vanish clean.”

And yes, that does create hardship for the rest of us.

We’re trying to build a community where kink is understood as consensual, ethical, and empowering. A place where we can be ourselves without being labeled abusive, dangerous, or deviant. A place where we teach the world that BDSM isn’t coercion, it is enthusiastic, informed consent. We cannot build that while allowing this behavior to thrive in the shadows.

It is no surprise communities gatekeep. It is no surprise play parties are intensely vetted. It is no surprise mistakes that should be teachable moments become exile level rumors. People are scared. And they have reason to be.

What we truly need is accountability and community support:
Dominants checking other Dominants when they misuse power
Submissives checking other submissives who manipulate new partners
Doms supporting Doms

Subs supporting subs
Peer groups that uplift, teach, and protect rather than tear down
Mentorship built on ethics, not ego
Preferences aren’t the problem. Age gaps aren’t the problem.
Newcomers aren’t the problem.

Choosing someone because they lack knowledge and are easier to manipulate is not a preference.

It is abuse. And that IS the problem!