Most people know what Stockholm Syndrome is. If by chance you may not, it is a syndrome were hostages form a psychological alliance with their captors. This causes them to defend the actions of the captors. In criminal cases, hostages will not press charges or testify. Now, let me apply this to what I feel these days.
I have loosely applied Stockholm Syndrome to myself. I have been hurt by a specific person, repeatively, and I defend their actions. I defend their words. I don't let people speak ill of this person. I saw a meme once that was like fuck her in a way that she will be ruined for anyone else...of course, I can't find it. That is what happened to me. I feel ruined.
In the last week, I have heard things said to me that I cannot explain the depth of pain associated with it. Some of these things I needed to hear. I needed to look at myself in the mirror to review the pain I had caused...the destruction that occured due to my behavior. However, I lacked the ability to fire back. There were things he needed to see and hear. However, the only thing I could think of was: I didn't want to add to his pain, I wanted to help heal his pain so he can move on with his life. I listened. I acknowledged. I took responsibilty. IT HURT.
I defended his pain and did not add mine to it. I defended his actions and denied his wrong doing. I did not have my pain acknowledged or vindicated. I defend his actions and words. I feel like a hostage to him and I don't know how to change that.
Maybe this is the result of the power exchange. Maybe this is the result when you hand yourself over and melt together with someone. Maybe this is the true cost of submission for me. Maybe that is why submission is so hard for me.