How to heal from past trauma and move forward in a healthy relationship. I am trying to teach myself this. Sometimes it feels like I'm going against all my instincts, and often instincts are generally not to be ignored but I have to trust my logical side this time. I know much of my "instincts" are fully based on how I had to learn to adapt and survive in a long term mentally, emotionally, financially, and occasionally physically abusive relationship. It takes time to rewire the brain after 15 years of being treated like a brainless worm, not capable of making good decisions, not knowing what is best for me and my life, told I'm the narcissist and having everything flipped on me. The irony, The vast majority of decisions he pushed on me were purely for his own benefit, to keep me down and dependent on him, to be his maid and nanny. The only bad decision I made was staying with him and often believing he had my best interest and the interest of our family at heart, when really it was all about him being superior. I had to learn to adapt, to harden myself when being yelled at, shrink when I was overwhelmed by frustration by the hypocrisy and his ever changing rules that may be one way one day, and the opposite the next, and told I'm heartless and stupid for not following the new expectations when I was never told they had changed. How many nights I would spend hours crying while being screamed at, berated, belittled, how many nights I would get up while he was sleeping to go scream and cry into a pillow in the next room to let it out in private, in peace, wishing nothing more than that I could just disappear and no longer exist because I felt I didn't deserve to exist. If I made this person's life so bad, I would be better off eliminating myself. At one point, I came dangerously close to following through. I had letters written. I had a plan in place. I had thought it out fully. Thankfully, I was able to talk myself off that ledge. And that, that was the point when my perspective began to change. I realized I could not put him above my mental health. I had to stand up for myself and I deserve to be more than a door mat. Life is too short as it is, and I would not allow him to, unbeknownst to him, convince my children's mother to take her life leaving them with no barrier from him. I began arguing back. I called out hypocrisy when I saw it. I started doing things I enjoyed regardless of his opinions. Yes, this lead to more fighting. But I was crying less and less. I began to become indifferent to his anger rather than reactive. I was more easily able to maintain composure. I was tired of giving him what seemed to be some kind of satisfaction of seeing me lying on the floor sobbing uncontrollably, sometimes for hours. I faltered at times, but I was becoming stronger by putting up tall walls. It still took several years, but I steadily grew the backbone I needed to leave for good. And I did. After leaving, my world flipped upside down in the best way possible. No longer was I obligated to listen to his rantings. No longer did I have to tolerate his fits of rage. No longer did I have to walk on eggshells for fear of disrupting the fragile temporary peace. Life was calm; for the most part. I still had to communicate with his about the kids, and the divorce. At times I felt I was being beaten, and like I should give up fighting for anything left. That it wasn't worth the argument. But things changed and I finally had enough and got a lawyer, and then a protection order. Now, with the divorce still pending but (hopefully) to be finalized in less than a month, and the house about to go on the market to be sold, I am so close to being able to have that entire sad, chaotic chapter on my life behind me.
Amidst the separation, I discovered the world of BDSM, and met my Daddy. We have been seeing eachother going on 8 months now. The night and day difference between what I went through before is unreal. This man loves me for the authentic me. I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not in fear of being shamed or yelled at to force me into submission. I don't have to walk on eggshells. We are able to communicate, and instead of getting emotional and unruly, have calm conversations. He helps me. He encourages me to be the best version of myself in every way. I have never felt so loved, so seen, so accepted, so safe.
And yet, as the saying goes, the body keeps the score. I still often find myself scared; scared of hurting his feelings, scared of making him mad, scared of asking questions, scared to ask for help, scared to make a choice he won't like. My body tenses up, my jaw clenches, and braces for the worst. And he has done nothing to invoke these fears, I know, it is all because of what I was used to for so long. Retaliation in the form of heavy verbal abuse is all I knew for 15 years. I know it will take time yet for me to unlearn that. But also consious effort to recognize when I am being unlogical, and I have to hype myself up to an extent just to be who I am, show my true self, ask the questions, admit I need help, being plainly honest, share my feelings and worries, etc. Things nobody should have to struggle with, for the most part. Things I am still working through but I am proud of myself for doing the internal work. I hope one day I can allow myself to just let go without having to think about it, to just know whatever happens, things will be okay, even in the hard times. That in time, I am simply safe, without having to stop and ask myself that first.