Ramblings

I shout into my own head, only to hear an echo. Not the familiar excitement about the world that once sat there. 
I wonder if I will hear her again? That drive and passion for a challenge I once heard. The spirit that filled me with excitement at the thought of learning and experiencing new things. Good things.
Not the shell I feel now. 
I'm not weak, no. Don’t get that twisted. If anything I’m stronger, because I feel less. I don’t get drawn into things the way my naivety once allowed. 
But I pull away. I destroy what may be able to get close enough to hurt me, before it gets the chance. I react in all the ways I always told myself other people were crazy to do. 
Bound by my own hesitations. Gagged by my fears. And blindfolded by anger. A play session of its own. 

“Hi” Two letters, one word. A blank canvas to draw upon. Does it hide growth or hurt? Lust, anger… love? All too often a disguise for the key, to a gate holding back only hurtful demand. And yet, rude to ignore? Maybe. 
“How are you?” A polite follow up. Empty but appearing thoughtful. Your reply likely glazed over as they edge toward the reason for the energy expenditure. 
“so you’re a submissive?” A question based on information I provided. My profile. A loaded line. You await the inevitable. 

“You are going to be mine” 

I don’t think so.

A slip of the tounge and she knew a mistake had been made. Too late to fix it, it was gone. Out there. His eyes flit to hers in playful anger. “I’m sorry? Aren’t we missing something?” 
The sound of running water and no steam. A cold and soulless tower of water, no escape… only a lesson. 
Standing as her skin bites back, trying to wash knowing he was aware of her movements. Gritted teeth.

Lessons being learnt. 

Body turning blue, purple. Scrubbing still. Avoiding the sting as much as possible. Be clean. Hygiene.

Lessons being learnt.

A warm towel awaits, duvets and calm. Considering the teachings of the event. 

“I won’t forget again Sir”
“good girl” 

Everything looks better in the morning. That’s what they say isn’t it? 
The morning sun breaches the curtains veil, tired eyes watch the ceiling. A few moments before the world knows you’re awake. A few moments to take before the demands of the day take hold. 
The sleepy morning routine and letting the sun in. And coffee. Morning coffee. A blissful routine. 
Teeth to be brushed, washing to do, meals to prepare can wait. 
Today has been restful and resetting. My morning has lasted all day. 
I will be strong again. 

A wall doesn’t work if the bricks aren’t aligned. It would do nothing to keep out the threats. Strong together, bricks and mortar. Stronger together are the people who reached out for me today. The community I am so new to. A baby of the group and yet…
This community is something special. An oddity that feels like family. Linked by support and love, many shades of the same flavour. 

Thank you. All. Truly. 
Peace, you kinky motherfuckers ♥️

Play online comes with its risks and I know this. But weeks of getting to know someone, the small early hour conversations. Smiling at my phone like a moron, working to build something.
And I wake up to you gone.
No good bye, no explanation. Just thrown away. 
I am a full person. 
How am i meant to start trying to build anything? I spent time explaining to you my hesitations. now that my trust has been evaporated. 
heartbroken. 

A strong hand of guidance and patience. Brutal in moments of delicious anticipation.

Tease. Disciplinarian. Guardian. Teacher.

Daddy is a beautiful oxymoron. 

A hollow and sinking place. Black quick sand with no shoreline. Covered in sweat, saliva, tears… you feel like a newborn. Vulnerable to all threats. 
A payment to be made for allowing another into your mind. So fulfilling and beautiful. 
A Dominants life raft out of this darkness is something to behold. The right words at the right time. When and how to touch. Reassurance without crippling overwhelm. An art of its own.

A dance without universal rules. Beautiful, terrifying and so very important.

Today I got rejected for a mortgage I hoped would save a house that has been in my family for decades. I’m now unsure of what to do and where to go. 
Its 4am and I’ve applied for more fee free brokers consultations than I can recall. I’m sure I’ll regret that when my phone starts going crazy when the rest of the country wakes up. 
Heartbroken and surrounded by silence is a humbling experience. With nothing to consider but this perceived failure. 
It’s not kinky, but it’s life. Life humps suck. 

There is something beautiful about the vulnerability we feel during play. The essence of freedom we are able to taste in those most delicious of moments. 
Behind these moments is a lifetime of learning, questions and often hard lessons. 
Please, do not take responsibility for others vulnerability without spending the time to learn how to do this in a way that is beneficial and supportive of both parties. You can hit triggers and hurt people through online communication too!

SSC, RACK, AFTERCARE ♥️

That is all.