Ramblings

A time spent pondering one’s own personality faults is.. I suppose… time spent well. Looking deep into the mirror is something I always find beneficial. Find the abrasions and stitch them up again with help from others and their knowledge. 
I have realised that despite my aversion to people, I do need them. Especially those who take the time to see others for what they are. Truly. 
Over the last few days I have been offered quite a few olive branches. Had my wobbles noticed by those around me. Reassuring me that I am not standing alone in my journey. Some from those very close to me. Others totally unexpected. Both meant as much as the next. 
I guess my point here is, even when I felt totally lost- I was not. Land was nearby. Safety of understanding was an arm stretch away. And I have people watching me. Steadying me. 
I think it’s time to make a decision now. Invest or give up. I cannot keep walking this middle line. Allowing the hurt and confusion to keep me trying to balance. 
Two feet on solid ground… or jump into the water. Decision time.  

Thank you SD for the challenge. - https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=45308&postid=110961&view=latest

Lost
by David Wagoner

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.

Not my normal blog style but a question that I’ve been pondering… 

I am very good at getting rid of people in my life. Not always by conscious choice. I say the wrong thing. Push away. Insult and run. 
I do this when I genuinely like someone. It’s almost like they get within a certain proximity and my brain tells me to attack them. 
This has to be some kind of defence mechanism right? 
I have cut off most of my family this way. Love interests. Friends. Almost everyone I decided I enjoy the company of, hates me within days after. Because of MY behaviour towards them. It’s almost like I sit and watch myself ruin it. Over and over again. 
I guess my question is… am I alone in this? Does anyone else experience this? Am I insane? 
… 

thanks 

Each arm held out to her sides, in leather shackles. The skin below pink from the abrasion. Bent slightly forwards, legs bound too. Exposed and available. Her ass a blushed red. 
Sight taken and mouth full. Saliva runs down her neck as she squeals into the rubber. 
Bite after bite of the toy of the moment. A palm, a paddle. A cane and a flogger. Making art upon her skin. Tears soak the blindfold. Gently falling as she absorbs the consequences of her mouth. 
Bratting often got her here. But she was addicted to pushing the Dominant behind her. Pushing to gain a momentary heart flicker from the change in his eyes. 
TWACK. Another jolt. Another groan. Another mark on the canvas he was creating. Layers of red etched over each other. Hot and burning. Her blood felt like fire. 
The displaced air floating across her skin, soothing and cool. His presence close and intense. His gaze tuned into her. She could not see him. But she could feel him. Close. 
A firm grasp of the burning skin and she squeals again. Lost within his intent. 
The buckles come undone. A firm hand on her shoulder. Guiding. 
Her sight returns. Her speech still held. Before her? A note pad, a pen and a chair covered in uncooked rice. 

”Bratting shall bring me consequences… x100”

“Sit brat.”

“You talk to much” 

“I can’t be available 24/7”

“Can’t you just be… less?”

all sentences I have had thrown at me when asking for the attention I give out. When I invest in someone I jump into their soul. I don’t require constant attention but… energy? Investment? 
why is that so hard to communicate for me? Maybe I explain it wrong. Maybe I am too much. 
when left alone my mind wanders into all the things I have said that may have been too big. Too much. The feelings that felt like they would eat me alive if they got too close. 
Needy isn’t a choice. It’s a state of being. Maybe one day my person will understand that part of me. Show me my value rather than shun me for my over zealous actions. 
In the mean time, I second guess my communication. Edit sentences before I produce them. Change myself and pretend I don’t mind. Hide. 

“where have you gone?”

“Why have you changed?”

“Sulking now?”

sentences given when I finally pull back. Exhausted of being shot with dismay over and over again. Left out in the cold. And now I’m too little. Not enough. The attention is missed, once I don’t have the energy to continue to provide it unappreciated and seemingly unwelcome. 

confused and frustrated today. I hope to be my authentic self eventually. 

She cracks a joke to clear the air,
A punchline for her heavy heart,
With neon ribbons in her hair,
She turns disruption into art.

"I’m totally fine!" she loudly claims,
Then trips over a flat, smooth floor,
She plays the wildest comedy games,
To hide the lock upon her door.

The crowd all laughs at her routine,
She wears her humor like a shield,
The loudest girl they've ever seen,
With secrets never quite revealed.

But behind the grin and rapid wit,
She waits until the room is bare,
To let the bubbly costume split,
And breathe a sigh into the air.

A small flame always in the back of my mind. Urging to latch onto more knowledge and use it as kindling. Learn of all the things I cannot yet fathom. The new favourites, or limits. Things I haven’t yet discovered and wish to taste. 
I have learnt many things from my time here, titbits delivered over a virtual world. Researched in my own time. 
Videos, articles, threads, blogs. Long conversations with those far more experienced than myself. All knowledge I take with me. 
I’d like to thank the community for that. The opportunity to learn about something I have researched my whole adult life. And I wish to learn forever more. 

Wake up late, dragging tired limbs from the soft sheets. Rub my eyes and take a moment to breathe. 
I wander downstairs to grab coffee. Watch the kettle boil and feel my toes on the cold tile. 
Nestle into the chair, steam coats my face. The dregs are gone, the day awaits. 
But first, it’s shower time. A moment of warm refresh. Remove yesterday’s abrasions and start anew. 
Shampoo and soap. Floral and lather. The warm waterfall fills me with triumph. 
Fresh and new, I am ready for my armour. To step out and face it all again. 
Bring it on, I can stand against it all today! 

Always far away, never to be reached. A forever journey of travel and learning. One foot in-front of the other. Left, right, left, right. 
Picking up lessons as we go. Carrying memories with us. Left, right, left.
The “perfect” horizon moves with us. Ever changing as the landscape we pass. Left, right.

And all of a sudden the world looks totally different to where we started. Left.

A new horizon calls. 

Submission is a gift, provided only to those worthy. Demanding it will not work with anyone worth their weight in gold. And obviously that’s what we all look for. 
Sweet release of submission and Domination. Silent and glowing. An unspoken language. A unique art to be unfurled by the two working in tandem. 
Too often it is displayed in a broken frame. Held together with tape. A pretty bow tied around to make it look like a gift. Unearned. Unwelcome. Demanding and threatening. 
BDSM is so much more than sex. It is the protocols and rules. The freedom in regulation and fun in moments of challenge. Funishment. Punishment. Subspace- like honey and helium in a bottle. Reward and trust. It is freedom. 
It isn’t some dirty message pinging through at 1am demanding nudes from some stranger. Anger and frustration over undeserved abuse sent through because of the word no. 
Community. Love. Trust. Affection. Guidance. Sex. Correction.

Beautiful.