The Interview
I am writing this because others have felt that I have not addressed it in my previous Blog post so I will address the aspect of what I call the Interview
I will start of by saying that however you got to this point doesn't matter, you meet someone your both interested in the BDSM lifestyle and you want to proceed to the next stage. This is how I go about doing this.
This part is all about communication, you have to engage her in conversation, get her talking about what draws her to the lifestyle, try to elaborate on her ideas and information, (she may knot know much or she may know a lot or something in between) explain to her what the activities are and what there about, tell her some of the mechanics of how it works what she should expect in regarding physical experience like will it hurt, will it leave marks, the feeling of toys when there being used, talk about whips, floggers, and other instruments of striking the body, enplane the areas of the body that should be avoided from certain types of activities. Like never hit the kidney areas with impact play or in general be careful of bones, checking circulation, the need to communicate any distress, let her know that part of you job is to check on her and make sure her hands are not turning blue or really cold, if she is in a stressful bondage, or there is potential for a stress. I would recommend checking first in a scene after you have bound her take the time to check that your bond afford at least a finger to be inserted between the binding it should not be tight where you have to force the finger in, or loose enough that it can be gotten out of.
You should encourage her to ask questions, bring up topics for discussion suggest she do some research. You should discus as much about the kinks you and her are interested in and even other kinks just to expand her knowledge. You should talk about the reasons you like them and ask her the what here reasons are, try to identify her interest, she may or may not know, she may express an interest or she may not. The should no be a rushed conversation, it may take several days or more. You should also take about limits her's and yours, you should inform her about soft limits and hard limits, explain that a hard limit is something that will not be done for any reason, and that a soft limit could be something that can be visited and explored, or if she has consented than this may be an area she wishes to allow you to push her on at your discretion. Just because she has given her consent dose not mean you jump to that soft limit right away, get to know her first and why the limit exist, you should do that for all her limits it will help you know if something you plan to do could seem similar to a limit she has and doesn't know that it should be there. Like a fear of heights could be triggered with suspension. Talk about any physical limitations she may have like injuries special conditions or medical concerns talk about practicing safe sex should sex become involved. Tell her of the time required to have a scene, and the need for aftercare, enplane what that is and what your responsibilities are in that manner. I recommend a contract of play that you both work on together before any play begins I recommend that you both sign it and that it outlines what you intend, your responsibilities, what she desires and what her responsibilities are. You should discus what type of dynamic the both of you are looking for and make sure it is outlined in you contract. Inform her of safe words and how they are used. Example:
Red means all play stops she is removed from any restraints and ask her what is going on, give immediate after care if she desires it, communicate as much as she will allow, or give her space if she needs it, don't get angry, don't yell or make her feel bad for calling red. The scene is over and you should not attempt to start another scene, even if she request to. Reassure her that you are there and will help in any way, offer water, or a drink. Make sure she is not damaged or in some sort of pain.
Yellow mean you are to checking in with her, find out if she is in some discomfort, it dose not mean play stops but that you are checking in and adjusting things to be safe or comfortable, don't yell or get mad, don't call her names or tell her she is week because she called yellow, let her know it is acceptable and encourage her to use her safe words. They are there for a reason. If she is gagged or is unable to communicate verbally she should shake her head and say no, no, no repeatedly to get your attention, once she has you attention as her if she is calling red or yellow, than act accordingly, if she become catatonic which could happen, it is up to you to check her and see of she is alright, it may not be appropriate, or you may not be able get her to communicate, at that point so you have to make an assessment, see if she appears to be in distress, sometimes a slave/sub needs a minute or so after the the intensity is over to experience or process or come down, before you remover her from any restraints or the position she is in. you will learn more as your experience with her grows.
Tell her all this before play.
Discus with her Safe Sane and Consensual practices. I believe in communication, honesty, and trust and should be hand in hand with SSC I believe in a constant level of communication is important, I think that you should have a time when you can openly discus feelings, thoughts, experiences, likes and dislikes. Any changes you might make in you contract I believe that you both should be able to add to you contract as you need and discus any changes you plan to make. As you progress through this part of the interview you should discus the roles you both want and intend for your play. Talk about the dynamics of these roles and what is acceptable to both parties. Have a set rules for both of you create together set boundaries and enforce them together. Discus the type of relationship it will the be.
Is it a 24/7 situation, a D/S relationship or a Master/slave, is it Dom/sub is it part time, how much control dose she want you to have and in what areas of her life let her set these boundaries don't demand something she doesn't want to give. Make your desires known and work with her to meet them, she may be willing to compromise, but don't push it if she is clearly uncomfortable about it,as a Master/Dom you may not always get everything you want accept that and move on. Once you have decide the type of relationship talk about the dynamics involved, talk about your idea of what it means and get her input on what she thinks it means to her, discus the other forms of these dynamics as you you both might want to add elements of them to your specific situation. This part is about communicating educating each other and discovery, you should make sure she has no unanswered questions restate what you think she wants and desires, and what you both have agreed to. Even if she has chosen to be your slave and given (in her mind) complete control to you, that is still not totally true, you must always give her the option to say no, and use safe words
In a situation where someone gave me that kind of control, where they say they don't want a safe word, I would offer her the ability to use yellow, and through communication you can use it as red when you see that it's appropriate. She may not want to have the power to say no, that may be apart of the dynamic she desires, but someone has to, and if not her than you. Even if she has chosen the role of a no limits slave you must still discus activities you plan, training you intend the goals you are going to set, get her input, gauge her reactions to these things, remember she is still a person, even if she is a slave. She will have limits, everyone dose, it will be up to you to figure them out and set them on her behalf, talk to her about setting them, and why. If she insist that you be the voice of control, than take the responsibilities of that, trust me when I say they are serious,(heavy is the head who wears the crown). Because she has given you this level of control you will have more responsibilities, you have to figure out what her goals are, what dose she hope to gain from this, don't discount her personality hobbies or interest, a good slave is one who is happy, and healthy, mentally and psychically give her things to explore that relate to her likes. This may sound strange but exercise her mind and her body, if she is looking for direction in this area as well than you will have to figure out what she enjoys and insist she explore that.
There are two types of this kind of relationship one is called TPE that means a Total Power Exchange, and the other is called an ATPE that means an Absolute Total Power Exchange, the latter is definitely more extreme that the first both types are on the far end of the scale of control, these are typically found in a Master/slave type of relationships but that is not a set rule. Their also found in a 24/7 situation. Again not always the rule, a TPE can be only for the duration of the scene only at that time, these are also things that should be discussed prior to any scene play or agreements of the desired relationship, these are the steeps that I take when doing the interview as I am calling it.
I recommend that you ask your self weather you want the responsibilities that come with a TPE, or an ATPE. Because you are taking a huge responsibility when you do.
Once you have done all of this and you both feel comfortable with your contract, limits safe words and the boundaries you have agreed to you can proceed to the next step I don't recommend you skip any of this, but I know that people do. I think that doing this kind of preparation will allow both of you to have a safe and enjoyable experience.
Shadowlord
